On episode 73, Laura lives in Boston with her husband and two children. She wasn’t an athlete growing up, but at 26, all of her girlfriends got married. The following year she set out to make it a special year for her. It was the first time she felt powerful in deciding what was next her life. She didn’t think getting married was an option, so she decided to train for a marathon. It changed everything in her life. She was a distance runner and worked for a series of non-profit organizations. She met her husband in her mid 30’s while training for the Boston Marathon. They married when she was 40 and wanted to start planning a family right away.
She was 40 and knew it might not be easy to get pregnant. She saw a doctor just to run the basic blood fertility panel tests. Before those results came back, the doctor told her he doesn’t see a lot of women getting pregnant with their own eggs over 40. This was her first appointment, before they ran blood work. It was a really frustrating conversation, but it was also very eye-opening for her. The results of her blood work showed her AMH numbers were very low, a hormone level that can reflect the quantity of eggs. Everyone told her she was so healthy running marathons, she won’t have any trouble getting pregnant. They tried on their own for a little while: she took Clomid, she did a couple of cycles of IUI. After about a year of trying, nothing worked. She decided to go straight to IVF because she didn’t want to waste time. She did three egg retrievals: The first egg retrieval, she got three eggs. They all fertilized. One made it to day five blastocyst and was sent off for PGT testing. It came back with a chromosome abnormality, so she opted not to transfer that embryo. The second time, she got two eggs. One egg fertilized, but didn’t make it to a blastocyst. She remembers driving to that third egg retrieval and telling her husband that it was absurd. That is wasn’t going to work. Her husband told her she was about to go under anesthesia and how unlike her to be negative. Laura told him that she didn’t think that they were on the right path, but she needed to do this third cycle. The third egg retrieval, she got one egg that didn’t fertilize. Lauren says it’s different for everyone, but for her, the third failed cycle was when she knew it was time to move on.
I feel like this path of using donor eggs IS going to work. I want to do this, and I want to do it NOW.
At that point she had been researching donor conception and donor eggs. She didn’t imagine this was going to be the choice for them. Of course, it would be ideal to pass on her DNA and genetics, but she didn’t think it would work. She started to realize how much using donor eggs increased their chances so significantly of getting pregnant. She wanted to get pregnant. She wanted a baby, and felt like that it would work. She wanted to do it and do it now. The priority was she wanted a baby. She wanted to hold a baby in her arms. She was ready now. She decided to go the donor egg route. She decided on a fresh cycle instead of frozen eggs because she planned for siblings as well. It went from bad news, bad news, bad news to all good news from the second that her agency told her the donor said yes. For the donor’s egg retrieval, she got something like 30 eggs. They did not test the embryos. It was an option, but her clinic didn’t recommend it. Laura was so ready to get pregnant and so excited to do a fresh cycle with a transfer five days later. Thinking back, she wonders if it would have been better if they had the embryos tested.
In 2017, Laura had some very specific qualities she was looking for in a donor: The idea that if she chose a donor that resembled herself, then her children could potentially resemble her was important to her. She has blue eyes, and her husband has brown eyes, which is obviously going to be the dominant gene, but she needed to have that chance. She felt very strongly that if her children had blue eyes, then people would assume her children were hers. Looking back, she cared what other people thought. She felt like the project manager to find a donor. She chose four potential women: They all had blue eyes, fair skin, and resembled her in one way. She was also looking for a woman that had similar talents to both her and her husband. Her husband is an athlete, and his sports are soccer and swimming. Laura chose a donor who excelled in those sports as well as academically. She wanted to read about the donors and figure out who she connected with. She presented the four donors to her husband after looking at hundreds of women. Her husband chose the donor that was also Laura’s first choice. It was thrilling to find out the donor accepted. She wasn’t looking for an anonymous donor, but she happens to be anonymous. She doesn’t even know her name. They have communicated through the agency, so she would be able to ask questions and share things together. The donor knows she has two children and she’s been able to thank her.
Laura’s son at 43, was the result of that fresh embryo transfer after the donor’s egg retrieval. She was pregnant for the first time at 43. It was incredible. When her son was nine months old, Laura found out she was pregnant naturally because she was experiencing a miscarriage. She had stopped breastfeeding two-three months prior to that, so her cycle wasn’t normal yet. When she missed a period, she didn’t think anything of it. Four weeks later, she started spotting, and she remembers thinking her cycle was finally here. Her husband saw her panicking and questioned if she could have been pregnant. She stopped him when he wanted to buy a test because she had plenty in the bathroom. The test showed she was pregnant which was very confusing and complex emotionally for her. She was in disbelief. She felt guilty for life trying to grow inside of her but not know it. She questioned the outcome if it would be different if she knew. It lit a spark in her that she did want another baby. Laura doesn’t think she took the time to heal from the loss, but she took it as a sign she wanted to get pregnant again.
She was working with her clinic for her first frozen embryo transfer. It was really exciting because she knew what she was doing. She was confident. She knew the tricks to get a thick uterine lining and went to acupuncture. She couldn’t wait to be pregnant again and she was pregnant in November 2019. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She went for their first ultrasound, but they couldn’t find a consistent heart rate and the numbers were low. She was only seven weeks, so they asked her to come back in a week to check again. A week later she found out there were two heartbeats. The embryo had split, so she was carrying identical twins. That was another complicated emotional experience because that was not the plan: she was going to have three children under two years old. Her husband was visibly angry. She went back a week later for another ultrasound but there were no heartbeats. She’ll never forget the sonographer telling her she was sorry, but she didn’t see a viable pregnancy. After wiping the tears away, she kept thinking they had more embryos and were so lucky. She was going to be okay and will have another baby. She didn’t allow herself to process the news nor let herself grieve. She thought the answer was to push forward. She had a D&C and the tissue tested positive for chromosome abnormality. She lost an embryo when it didn’t survive the thaw. Another transfer turned out to be a negative pregnancy test. It just didn’t work. In July of 2020, she had a chemical pregnancy where she was pregnant, but the hormone levels were low. It was hard to recovery physically from the transfers and wondered if her body was telling her she wasn’t ready.
It wasn’t until the fall of 2020 before she was ready to try again. She tried something different. Laura prepared for this embryo transfer by seeing her acupuncturist. Laura told her she thought they’re going to put in the 4AB embryo this time. She really thinks that her baby. She was nervous to think that way. She was scared to get attached to an embryo in case it doesn’t work out. Her acupuncturist asked if she would be less hurt if she wasn’t attached and it didn’t work out. She didn’t know. October of 2020, at 46 Laura had a transfer with the 4AB. Laura calls herself a tester, she didn’t wait for the doctor to tell her if she was pregnant. She tested on Day 7 and was very nervous knowing how many losses she had experienced in the past. She was in the Smokey Mountains of Eastern Tennessee celebrating her anniversary at a really beautiful resort. It was a week after her transfer, so of course she brought pregnancy tests with her. It was early the next morning after they arrived when she tested. She placed the test in a draw while she brushed her teeth. She opened the draw slowly to find a positive test clear as day. She told herself she was pregnant right now. She was happy, really happy. She thought it didn’t necessarily mean that she’s going to have a baby. After loss, it meant she was pregnant right now, but she didn’t know what would happen whether she’ll have a baby or experience heartbreak. That’s where she was at that moment. She really felt like this was going to be the baby that she was meant to hold, but it didn’t matter how she felt. She probably tested every day for 10 days and kept all the tests. When they came back, she had the beta at the clinic that was 577 and the second was 1261. It still didn’t give her the confidence that it would stick because her pregnancy with the twins was also high. All she knew was she was pregnant right now. The two-week wait was hard, and it helped to be on vacation. It was the first time she had been on vacation during the two week wait.
I worked way to hard to get pregnant with this baby, and it’s not fair I can’t enjoy it.
They got home and she went the clinic’s appointments. Getting pregnant by IVF, she had all this attention in the beginning with betas every couple of days or so and super early ultrasounds. There is a lull between the fertility clinic’s graduation and seeing the OB for the first time. That was really difficult for her. She got anxious enough that she asked for another ultrasound. Given her history, the fertility clinic was fine with it. She was incredibly emotional, worried and scared. She asked herself many times what if it didn’t work. She would often get emotional out of nowhere, she explains. She felt like she worked way too hard to get pregnant with this baby, and it’s not fair that she can’t enjoy it. Her doctor’s office set her up with a counselor that offered some tools. They told her when she was having a hard time, she could go in and listen to the heartbeat to calm her down. The invitation alone helped her feel better.
She committed to doing yoga every day even if it was just a few minutes to connect with her body and feel strong. That helped her more than she could have predicted. She would do poses that would encourage the baby to move around and that meant everything to her. She doesn’t like to run when she’s pregnant but did lots of walking with both pregnancies. She believes she was in better shape when she was pregnant at 46 than now. For her diet, she didn’t have a huge appetite with both pregnancies. If she craved anything, it was bread. She wanted simple food that her husband would prepare for her.
Laura, her husband and their son were driving to Nantucket to stay for a week. Early on in her pregnancy she took the blood test to check for abnormalities as well as the gender. There were so many surprises leading up to this that she wanted to learn more about the baby. She was on the car ferry when the email came through. Her husband and son were in the restroom. She panicked because if they didn’t return soon, they were going to be too far out to be able to open the email. She first opened the email that told her the baby was clear of any abnormalities. She felt like she had to wait to open the email with the gender. As soon as her husband was in sight, she hurried him to the car to open the email. Her husband was certain they were having another boy. Inside the car, she opened the email to read: Congratulations! You’re having a girl! She held her breath to get her husband’s reaction. He didn’t believe it. She immediately thought this was the best news. Laura was thrilled and wanted to do all the shopping. This was another milestone in feeling confidence in the pregnancy. It made her feel like she could start sharing with more people.
She found out she was having a girl in December and bought a rainbow Christmas ornament. It was to celebrate her daughter that was coming but also to honor the babies she lost. She still must give herself a moment each time she unwraps it to hang it on the tree each year. There was time when she thought she shouldn’t be hanging an ornament on the tree that makes her cry, but those tears are her way of grieving and acknowledging her losses.
Physically, she struggled with back pain with both pregnancies. She was excited to have back pain because it meant she was pregnant, but it was uncomfortable. She bought an extra cushion that she sat on and always had a pillow behind her back. She never used pregnancy pillows or creams. She felt like her skin was always clear when she was pregnant, so she felt like she slacked on her regular skin care routine. She focused on making herself comfortable and solving for that. She had pillows everywhere and would align them along her back. The pain started at 20 weeks in both pregnancies like a light switch.
The biggest difference between her pregnancies at 43 and 46 was the anxiety after loss. She was excited all the time with her pregnancy at 43. The only real scare with her son was during the anatomy scan. They discovered at the appointment that he only had one functioning kidney. The right kidney looked great, but the left kidney was just not developing. It is not totally uncommon, but given that she conceived via IVF, they treated it like it could be a really big deal. It was scary for Laura. She opted to do an amnio test to confirm there were no other chromosome abnormalities that they didn’t catch with the blood test earlier in the pregnancy. That test came back negative. She asked herself after everything she went through, how could that happen. It was a reminder that it’s not a case of paying your dues. He is thriving today with one kidney.
Laura had a c-section with her first pregnancy and didn’t want to assume she was having another one with her second. She spoke with her doctor about the possibility of a vaginal birth. Her doctor put in her information into a ‘calculator’ to figure out the changes of this. She had a c-section the first time because of his positioning, so that was in her favor and many others were, expect when she put in her age. The doctor concluded she had a 51% change of a successful vagina birth. Laura decided to play it safe and schedule a c-section. If the baby came early, then she would give a vaginal birth a shot. The more sonograms and the more the baby grew, the less she wanted to try to have a vaginal birth.
In June of 2021, Laura’s c-section at 46 was very different than her c-section at 43. Her first was a c-section after days of labor. She immediately had an epidural even though she wasn’t in pain yet. The epidural hurt and was kind of scary. She was aware of everything that was going on. Labor is really difficult, even if it’s a c-section. Laura became ill during both of her deliveries which is not unusual. Her daughter weighed over nine pounds. When she got out of the OR and was in the recovery room, a nurse noticed a bleed. It was a uterine hemorrhage. They took her daughter from her and fifteen doctors showed up in her room. There was also a lot of yelling. The first step to stop the bleeding was a non-invasive tactic which didn’t work. Luckily, the next option worked because she was told option three was a hysterectomy. She lost a lot of blood, and they thought she might need a transfusion. The elation about just giving birth dimmed, and she was really uncomfortable. They wouldn’t let her have any water because the possible of a hysterectomy. She was expected to wear a mask and no visitors, including her son. She felt pressure to leave the hospital sooner than she would have otherwise. She left two days later. She was anxious to get home to her son and wanted the comfort of her own home. She was not physically ready to leave the hospital, but she did. They sent a home-visiting-nurse that was concerned Laura was being too active. Her son was almost three-years old, and her blood pressure was higher than it should have been. The nurse wanted Laura to stop and slow down. Laura didn’t know how with a new baby and toddler. The experience after birth was traumatic for, so it physically and emotionally took her longer to heal, especially because she went home early.
Postpartum at 43, Laura didn’t produce enough milk to breastfeed in order to satisfy him, so she got comfortable combo feeding with breast milk and formula really fast. She also combo fed her daughter at 46. Breastfeeding her daughter was much easier than with her son. She nursed for a year and also supplemented. Postpartum at 43, she only nursed for about five months and she and the baby were done. He needed a lot more milk, so he was frustrated. It was very discouraging for Laura, so she was happy to be done when the time came. At 46, it was a grieving process when she was done breastfeeding after a year. She found the combo feeding was the best for her because she was able to have the bonding experience breastfeeding, but then have her husband help feed with formula. Mentally, she felt stable and felt confident in how she was feeling. Of course, she was tired but she always felt good and strong. Later on she struggled with letting go of her entire IVF experience. She continues to work on some of it. She went from postpartum to perimenopause, so she has worked with her acupuncturist with hormones. It has really helped with her emotional health.
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Resources:
Donor Egg Guide: https://over40fabulousandpregnant.com/donoreggguide
Over 40 Fabulous and Pregnant on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/over40fabulousandpregnant/
Laura on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/positive.fertility/
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