On episode 90, we have two ladies on to discuss their experiences with the pregnancy after loss over 40. We have returning guest from episode 48, Jamey. Jamey had a 10-year IVF journey that includes two miscarriages and many other losses along the way to her pregnancy at 41 with her daughter using embryo adoption. Jenna, from episode 44 had four daughters with four losses before her fifth daughter at 43. The goal of this show is to normalize loss over 40 because loss is a part of so many of our journeys and we are definitely not alone.
Jenna, from Sheboygan, Wisconsin has five girls with her high school sweetheart. Jenna’s journey to motherhood began in high school when she was just 17 years old. A few years later she wanted her daughter to have a sibling, so she had her second daughter at 20 years old. They were busy with two children and life, and knew she wanted more. She thought 35 was her deadline for having children even though she had two more girls at 34 and 38 with a miscarriage in between. Her husband desperately wanted a boy, and her family didn’t feel complete. She was hopeful when she fell pregnant but four miscarriages later, she always thought maybe next time… One specialist could only fault her age for the losses and told her IVF with donor eggs would be her only hope of getting pregnant. She went to another specialist that was also doomsday about her fertility. Jenna didn’t agree with either doctor and wanted to prove them both wrong. Jenna is a mom of five daughters today. She conceived naturally at 43 with her fifth.
Jamey works in forensic science and lives in Jacksonville, Florida with her husband, their daughter, and their two dogs and two cats. At 30 years old, Jamey and her husband got married. She knew they wanted to start a family right away. They had been together almost five years, and she knew time was not on her side. She stopped taking birth control the summer before their wedding. A year later, she noticed she wasn’t ovulating, at least according to the tests strip. She wanted to get checked out by a doctor. After a 10-year journey, Jamey gave birth to her daughter through embryo adoption. She was 41 when she delivered and was their first live birth. She had two miscarriages before her.
What is pregnancy loss?
Loss is more than just miscarriage. There are so many other things, like losing an embryo to a thaw, ectopic pregnancies, losing fallopian tubes, failed IVF cycles, etc. I think loss looks different for all of us, and I want to honor all of them, but I also don’t want to really define it, either, for anyone.
Overall, how was your pregnancy after loss?
Jamey: Surprisingly, okay. The first trimester was definitely scary for me, but it was easy physically. I had a little bit of food aversion, so I was very lucky. I always like to say that the universe owed me an easy pregnancy after everything, so I definitely got that. I’ll tell you every time I peed, I was checking the toilet paper for spotting. I want to say it was after we told family. I think I was about 10 weeks or so. I’m not even kidding you. I think it was like the day after we told my parents and my sister. I started spotting and I was like, “Are you kidding me?” We called the doctor and she asked if it was heavy. I told her not like the last time and she was okay with that but to keep her posted. It went away within about 12 hours. It was light but it was bright red and that made me scared. That was the only time and she is here now, downstairs. So the first trimester was definitely very scary. A lot of PTSD happening. About 13 or 14 weeks I started feeling better and my energy was back. I just crossed my fingers hoping that all was good. Thankfully, because I was geriatric, we did get to see her in the second trimester. We were still only like once a month with the maternal fetal medicine doctor, but it was still more than the regular OB. We got to see her regularly and everything was good. As I mentioned, the perk of being geriatric is that you do get to see them a lot more often. We have so many sonograms, which is amazing. Both 3D and 4D sonograms, so, if it weren’t for that, I think I would have had a hard time with it.
Jenna: I had four miscarriages before and I was not spotting, but I had clots and blood. I just thought it’s another miscarriage again. I thought, for sure, it was another miscarriage. Then that same day, or maybe the next day, I took my kids to the St. Louis City Museum. I thought I was already having a miscarriage, so I’ll just go down this slide. Then, we went down the slide and hit my hand and thought I had broken it. To get out, I had to go down another slide and I didn’t want to do that again. So, now I had a broken hand and a broken tail bone, along with having a miscarriage. We were on vacation supposedly to have a good time. I waited another two days until we got back to Wisconsin and then went to the hospital, or walk-in clinic. I told them about the miscarriage, broken hand and tailbone. They weren’t even going to x-ray my hand, but I told them “yes you will”. They said the baby was fine but I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. I thought just like all the other ones, she was a goner. I just assumed the worst because it was a lot of blood. It slowly tapered off, but like you said, it is that PTSD where every time I went to the bathroom. It’s so nerve-wracking. And, one of the miscarriages I had, I made it to 12 weeks where everybody’s cheering. The percentage of and if you’ve seen the heartbeat on the ultrasound, you know you’re going to have such a percentage of it being successful. I was already past all of that. Then I miscarried. So, I didn’t feel safe, honestly, for me until I was holding my baby. I honestly didn’t feel I had that. I just didn’t think it was actually going to happen.
How do you think your pregnancy was different because you experience loss?
Jamey: I never experienced real pregnancy before because our losses were always a very early thing. Thankfully. I don’t know if that makes sense, but, we never saw a heartbeat ever, so I don’t know how it would have been different, but I loved being pregnant. I honestly said the universe owed me a little bit of something. They gave me a good pregnancy and a really good baby. I really don’t have much to add because I didn’t know what to expect or how, or anything to compare it to. I will say that my younger sister who has had three kids, her pregnancies were always a little hard because she was always nauseous and a little sick. So, I wasn’t looking forward to that, assuming that I was going to feel the same way again, genetics, but I never had the fraction of the sickness or the nausea that she had, so I loved being pregnant. I really did.
What were some of your thoughts that helped you through pregnancy?
Jamey: Oh, like the only thing that I can think of is honestly is that I think it was my age that was in my favor because I had a lot more patience in general. I didn’t care as much about anything. I was just more willing to hand out, relax, just be on the couch. I was such an avid runner when we stated trying for our family when we first got married. I love running marathons and it got to the point where I was told that my running marathons was causing my infertility, which is not true. Don’t ever listen to anybody if they tell you that. I think just like not caring about anything. It just helped me because I didn’t care what I ate, to be honest. I did have an image of before I got pregnant, like I was going to eat healthy. I wanted to be a healthy pregnant person. When I had these food aversions, all I could eat was bread and pizza and crackers. I had a little bit of guilt about that. I talked to the doctor and she said if you’re keeping food in, you’re good and take your multivitamin. You will eventually even out everything. Your baby’s getting what the baby needs. I just think my age really just helped me because I didn’t have as much stress and anxiety as I think I would have. Had I been 30, my 30-year-old self would have been anxious that everything I was putting in my body, everything that somebody said to me, every pound I gained especially my history with eating disorders. I think would have really had an impact on the way I was eating and treating myself. My age was a silver lining for sure.
Jenna: I think the universe did all of the things it did with the whole breaking my tailbone and hand because they told me that I had to stay off it at least for six weeks because it would heal better. I literally laid around as much as humanly possible, which is totally not what I normally do with having children that needed me. I think that helped me in a way. This sounds really hokey, but I did have a dream that said that the whole reason that everything fell into place was that I was staying on the couch and didn’t get up and move. In my dream it was like some guardian angel that said this was how it had to happen. I know it sounds really hokey. It was just like a dream, but it stuck out and it stuck with me.
Jamie: I can kind of relate with Jamey because of my age. Listening to all these stories really helped me. I know they help the listeners, but it’s like they helped me to get through all of the loss, too. And so I really thought, who care? I’m 42. It’s going to happen one way or another. It really helped me through the age factor.
Is there anything you wish you did or thought differently during your pregnancy because of loss?
Jenna: No, I don’t think. I really don’t think that I could have done anything differently or would have, because I was looking through it with the glasses that I had from previous experiences and so you can’t really change the past.
Jamey: I wish I journaled more. Through my whole infertility journey, I journaled a lot, but I will say as the years went on, I journaled less and less to the point where I stopped in 2020 and never updated them. I’m a little bummed at myself, but it was just so depressing. It was like every time I had an exciting cycle coming up, I got excited. I wrote about it and then I get bad news. I used to be so open on social media about our journey and we would keep people abreast of everything that was happening; when we had cycles, but then I had to tell everybody when it didn’t work. It got to the point where I was like y’all, I can’t do this anymore. It’s not only just depressing that I have to hear the news, but then I had to deliver it to you whether I knew you or not. So I stopped, but I wish I hadn’t stopped journaling because, I want to pick that back up so Winnie has something to look back on, and she can really see all the stuff that mom and dad went through to get her. She can kind of understand where she came from because I’m sure it’s going to be confusing as an embryo adopted baby.
What helped you through pregnancy loss?
Jamey: Nothing. I just had to feel it. I don’t think anything helps besides time. I mean, being open about it, I think. My first actual pregnancy/miscarriage caused me to feel, for the first time pure joy finding out I was pregnant. Two weeks later, it was all taken away. For me, that was the first time I really grieved. Our journey, in general, I think it all hit me like this might not every happen. It took me a while to be open with it to people beyond family. People said they had a miscarriage and more people were open with me. I understand that everybody wants to blast it on social media or call a friend when it’s happening, but also I definitely would have felt less alone in the actual moment if I knew who to call when it was happening. I’m not blaming anybody, but I didn’t honestly know anybody that had been through a miscarriage, but I don’t think it really would have helped. It would have just been another person for me to bitch to. I was just very mad at myself because I had gotten the COVID vaccine and I blamed that and who knows, it could have been part of it. It might not, I have no idea and I’ll probably never know. I am still curious about that child. What that child would have been like if it was my fault or not, but I can’t dwell on that. I have to move on because I can’t do anything about it to change it. I just have to move on. There are days that I still mourn that loss. If you don’t feel it, you’re not going to move on from it. I had to sit on it for a really long time.
Jenna: I was lucky that I have a really good group of friends and family and my husband that I just. You know this had to be annoying to hear again with my friends. They are still friends and listen and let me vent. I have an aunt who experienced loss. Otherwise, every other person that I was talking to had never had another friend who did. There was a lot of people that listened but just couldn’t relate. It is helpful that they listened. I was such a nerd always on the internet trying to find the positive. Those are the support systems you need. I have some really good friends and family for support. The thoughts to move forward and reading other people’s experiences. I’m a big nerd where I’m on every support group possible right on Facebook. I’m on so many support groups and I always just kept thinking for me because my journey was different than you guys. I just needed one golden egg. Miracles happen every day and so I just kept thinking that kind of thought process and reading people’s stories like this. I just kept trying to be a positive as I could about it all and kept thinking that it just took one egg.
I think it also was the age, too, that I soaked up every second with my newborn. I knew that this, too, shall pass. I just soaked up every minute of it because it was such a miracle that it happened. I was just grateful that I don’t know if that was from the loss or my age. I was just so grateful that I don’t know if that was from the loss or my age. It finally happened.
What advice do you have for women who are pregnant?
Jamey: Listen to your body. If you want to rest, rest. If you’re an active energizer bunny like me, and you’re just so used to being active and it’s ok not to be. It took me a little bit to listen to that more. Then in the third trimester, I couldn’t even do anything without kicking myself in the stomach. So, there was no option except stretch. But listen to your body eat. Eat whatever you want and it doesn’t matter how much you weigh after, it all going to be different and it doesn’t matter. The thing that matters is the little baby at the end of this rainbow.
Jenna: You just advocate for yourself and that whole, like you said, you had a perfect pregnancy. There was really no reason except for age to stop them and ask them questions. Is there a lower heart rate or just something it was a medical reason that they had to do this or that? Take a little bit to think it over, but advocating for yourself was the big one that I was going to say.
What is your advice for those women who are struggling during pregnancy after loss?
Jamey: That’s all I had to say. Like you’re feeling they are. There’s nothing to fix. No matter what you’re thinking. Having self harm, that kind of thing, please reach out for medical help for sure, but it you’re more struggling because it’s scary or you think you’re doing something wrong or you’re just sad, it’s okay. It’s natural I think a lot of people, more than they admit, struggle during pregnancy. It’s a whole change. You’re in this transition period, you’re seeing your old life kind of float away from you and you’re approaching this new life that is very unknown. All the while still grieving your losses. There’s a lot of stuff going on in the head, so just support, surround yourself with love.
It’s one out of eight. So, if that’s where you struggle, look into the social media community or reach out to one of us. Regardless of where your journey is. We’d be happy to listen. And I think that’s something for friends out there, maybe you’re not struggling, but you have a friend that’s struggling. So you’re listening. That you. You don’t have to fix your friend.
Jenna: Everything is valid. Like you said, lean on your support people and if you don’t have anybody close, there are medical professionals, like therapists. You won’t be alone. This kind of journey that at least that I was on, just felt so lonely, even though I knew it wasn’t common, one out of four. You know, but it just still feels so lonely because people don’t talk about it enough. And, like you said, when I put it on social media, there were so many people that were messaging me and telling me their stories that I had no idea and I’d known them for how long. I just like connecting with other people like that meant a lot that they trusted me. And I just feel like it shouldn’t be such a taboo topic.
We have a lot of listeners on the show who are trying to conceive over 40 who have experienced loss, but not pregnancy. What do you suggest they do now to have a more enjoyable pregnancy?
Jenna: Pregnancy was so opposite of enjoyable, so I don’t know. Live in the moment because you’re going to look back on it, even if it wasn’t enjoyable, but it was still enjoyable because it was worth it. Even when I was throwing up, I knew it would pass. No matter if it’s the thoughts that you have of going to the bathroom, that was so hard. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was always asking myself, is there blood. As the weeks go on and everything moves a lot fast than you think, once you’re out of it, but everything passes, so any pains are not permanent
Jamey: If you didn’t have an enjoyable pregnancy, but if you’re nauseous during your pregnancy, that’s a good sign. Keep reminding yourself.
Is there anything you wish you did differently during your pregnancy after loss?
Jamey: I wish I had journaled. Definitely having more detail of how I was feeling week to week. Once she was here, I was in a fog. I don’t even remember when she first smiled. I was at home and just wished I had journaled more and kept more documentation. Also, surrounding myself with people would have been a big help. People came over, but it just wasn’t the same. I worried about what didn’t happen and all this was for nothing. The parties, food and gifts.
Jenna: I don’t have any regrets. I did as much as I could. I didn’t keep a journal, but I wish I had now that I keep hearing you speak of your journals. When I was pregnant, I had my family put paint on their hands and put them on my belly as well as a bow. I have no regrets. I’ve found the last pregnancy with no regrets. The last pregnancy and the last delivery had a lot of turmoil, I look back and find them to be perfect, even though I know they weren’t. I am grateful for all of the experience, except the miscarriages. I try to think it’s not as bad as it really is. Kids fighting, etc. I just can’t take enough pictures and videos of the kids. Just listening and giving people the grace because it is a completely different journey than just, I’m pregnant and it was perfect.
What haven’t we discussed that we should be talking about more of when it comes to pregnancy after loss?
Jamey: I just feel at our age, doctors like to fear monger us with that we’re old. We don’t know what we’re doing cause we’re so old and decrepit. Don’t let them do that to you.
Jenna: Just don’t give up. If something is bothering you, ask questions. If it doesn’t work out this way and you have to go a different way, you won’t regret that. I’m one of those people that if there’s a problem, I’m going to figure out how to fix it. When I’m old and gray, I will never regret having my children.
Jamie: I think we should be talking more about our losses. I think sometimes we get pregnant and forget about all of our losses. I think as a woman, I would just love to keep that conversation going. Let’s keep talking about it as a community.
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Resources:
Over 40 Fabulous and Pregnant on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/over40fabulousandpregnant/
Jenna on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mcrjenplath10/
Jenna’s Pregnancy Story on episode 44: https://over40fabulousandpregnant.com/jennas-determination-to-pull-her-own-baby-out-at-43/
Jamey on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/james82_/
Jamey’s Pregnancy Story at 41 on episode 48: https://over40fabulousandpregnant.com/jameys-10-year-journey-to-motherhood-with-embryo-adoption-at-41/
Rainbow Photo Credit: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/a8301373/why-this-breathtaking-rainbow-baby-photo-will-break-your-heart/
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