On episode 34, we have Leah from New Jersey who is a wife, mother and life coach and meditation teacher. She’s been a meditation teacher for 15 years and a yoga instructor living on Miami beach. She recently moved to New Jersey.
At 39, Leah was living in South Beach and didn’t feel like she had a clue who to date. She never dated the ‘dad’ type guys. She found a really nice guy, but he was 11 years younger than her. They were in a relationship for about a year when she realized she wanted to settle down, get married and start a family. He was 28 and wasn’t ready. They broke up when she was 40. Afterwards, it was really hard for her and describes it as a metal breakdown. She hit a wall: she was single, 40 and living on south beach. She felt like she hadn’t planned her life and watched her 30’s go by. She felt alone. A friend suggested she freeze her eggs, but she didn’t want to. She thought she was giving up if she had her eggs frozen. She ended up making an appointment with the #1 fertility center in Miami anyway. After some blood work, the doctor told her she had some potential. She had no idea what that meant. The doctor suggested she move on to the next phase which was genetic testing. She didn’t have insurance, so this was all out-of-pocket expenses for her. Then the doctor told her he had the best stats in South Florida, and at her age, he don’t want to take the risk. He gave her paperwork for a donor and told her to call him when she was ready. She wasn’t sure what to do, so she did what she was told and filled out the paperwork for financial aid. She went home to be left with a sinking feeling that she didn’t want to use a donor. She didn’t think that was the path for her. She fell into a deeper depression. At 41, she was teaching a class when a student friend that had frozen her eggs later in life, came up and told her to not listen to that doctor and that she needed to get a second opinion. She said exactly what Leah needed to hear. She took her advice and called her OB for another fertility clinic recommendation. She saw the new doctor and went through new testing to prepare for an egg retrieval. She didn’t have anyone but it ended up empowering her to get her out of the depression. She felt in control of her fertility even if she ended up not using the eggs. It gave her hope. She froze 13 eggs.
I mother myself as I will mother my child.
She went on to date others. In 2019, she decided to text her ex-boyfriend. She felt like their relationship wasn’t done. He was 31 now, and she was surprised when he answered. They had too much history to act like they didn’t know each other, and continued to see each other. In 2020, she bought her first apartment and asked him to move and start a family together. He agreed. They moved in together and then in March, the lockdown happened. They had plans to travel around Europe and date each other. She was 44 now, and she asked him if he wanted to try for a baby. She had a friend that was 38 and it took her a year, so she thought they needed to start sooner than later. She started taking prenatal vitamins and acupuncture. She continued to meditate and changed her diet by cutting out inflammatory foods. She stopped doing things that might prevent her from conceiving. She started to get massages and myofascial release. She was on birth control through her 20’s and had fibroids. She felt like she had a lot of stress and trauma from some bad relationships she had in her 20’s that showed itself around her pelvis. She saw a healer that specializes in sexual and vaginal health. She also did internal work on herself. She was all in. She created a mantra for herself: I mother myself as I will mother my child. She told herself that every morning. She said they didn’t have anything else to do during lock down so they tried to have baby. It had only been a few months when she noticed her cycle was late. She was always regular, so she took a pregnancy test. Then she took another test and both showed a positive result. They were both shocked and unsure. She questioned herself if it was real or if she even deserved this. They wanted the doctor to confirm. She doesn’t describe it as a joyous experience but more of a shock that it actually worked.
She remembers her OB being a bit in disbelief because she was accustomed to younger patients. The doctor’s office made her wait until there was a visible heartbeat on the ultrasound. At her sonogram appointment, she wasn’t allowed to see the monitor or hear the sound at first. The doctor said she just wanted to ‘be sure.’ She said that type of circumstance became a theme with the doctor. She’s surprised she stayed under her care for the full term, but the joy of finding out she was pregnant took a few days. She felt like there was so much caution with the pregnancy that she wasn’t allowed to celebrate it. She had to wait for the genetic testing… then she may get high blood pressure…wait… She knew it was real, but she was almost 6 month along when she thought she was really going to have a baby.
She thought she was really lucky with an easy pregnancy even though she slept a lot. She was fit and took really good care of herself. Towards the end she got a prenatal massage every week. She saw a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor work. The hardest thing was the constipation. She craved milk, so she drank a gallon of milk a week. She didn’t want meat in the beginning and then all she wanted was meat. She didn’t crave sweets. She says her baby really liked fruit, though. She says every time she ate it, she could feel this burst of energy. The gyms were closed then, so there was no yoga. She took an online course to do more meditation. Her husband was in an industry that continued to work, so she was home by herself. Even the beaches were closed. Her biggest challenge was her doctor. She kept putting her in a box because of her age and that frustrated her. She knew she was healthy and she knew her body pretty well, but it was also her first time. She had to do lots of extra things, like bloodwork and ultrasounds. The doctor told her she was going to get high blood pressure but she never did. What helped her through the challenges was walking, prenatal massages, journaling and meditation.
She was able to find out the gender with the genetic testing. She wanted the doctor to call her husband with the results of the testing and the gender. Leah wanted to give him something because she was worried her husband didn’t feel like he was a part of it, like he was just a watcher of the pregnancy. He was playing golf when doctor called with the news. Then he went home and fell asleep without telling her what they said. She found out the next day. She was excited about having a boy but she also didn’t care. She and most everyone else thought she was having a girl. She said there was a softness to the energy that made her assume was girl, but she believes she might have been projecting her energy that gave her that feeling. There was so much concern about the stats of her age, she really just wanted a healthy baby.
It was really important to her what products she put on her skin. She says she was a little OCD about things. For example, she didn’t get her nails done. She changed her toothpaste and shampoo. She didn’t color her hair. She said she went totally hippie, but she still shaved. She ate really clean organic foods. She did have a few glasses of wine here and there. That didn’t worry her. She tried to switch her deodorant. She tried one and broke out in a rash, she tried going without, and she tried the crystal which didn’t do anything.
A friend of Leah’s sent her pregnancy books, Guide to Childbirth by Ina May. The book recommended 100 squats a day. Leah did not do this but it did inspire her to do pelvic floor exercises: lifting the pelvic floor and releasing it. She would also do really low squats to stretch the pelvic floor, inner thighs and the anus. She did palates geared towards stabilizing her pelvis. Everything was focused on stability and relaxation because a vaginal birth was important to her. She would listen to her body. If she needed to nap, then she would. She didn’t push herself physically.
My body knows what to do. I know I can do this.
She mostly self-educated to prepare for birth. She didn’t want to have a birth plan. From all her reading, you never know what’s going to happen. She was anti-birth plan but pro self-care. With a millennial of women that came before us, she knew the baby knew what to do. Her body knows what to do. She knew she could do it.
At 39 weeks 3 days Leah went in for a routine ultrasound. There were three doctors in the practice and she wanted to meet each one. Two weeks before her due date she met with each doctor because she wasn’t sure who would be delivering her baby. She had an appointment a week and a half before her due date and the doctor was feeling her abdomen. The doctor said the baby was breach and immediately asked if she was ok with being induced and was Pitocin ok with her. She was panicking; the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. Two days later she had her ultrasound and the tech said the baby weighted 9.5 lbs but wasn’t breach. Leah wasn’t sure how this was possible. Her bump wasn’t that big to justify that size of a baby. The doctor wanted the baby out immediately. Her doctor said from the beginning she wanted to induce her at 39 weeks. She didn’t know she could say no. She was 3 cm dilated already. The doctor ordered her to get a COVID test and would see her in the morning to start induction. She tried to tell her she didn’t want to, but the doctor closed the door on the nurse and warned her that her baby was big and she might have to use forceps. She might have to have a c-section. A c-section was one of her biggest fears. She went home and mediated on it that night. She knew she didn’t have to do it, but she was also scared. The next morning they were ready to head to the hospital when the car battery was dead. They didn’t go that day. The doctor and the hospital called wondering where she was, so they rescheduled for the next day. She would only be 5 days before her due date.
Friday morning they made it to the hospital. She was overwhelmed when she got to the room by the equipment and the amount of paper work she had to sign. She didn’t feel ready. The doctor broke her water without telling her and then started her on Pitocin right away. She says the pain was so horrible, she had to have an epidural. She couldn’t relax. She surrendered. She felt defeated. Then they put the catheter in and told her she was going to have c-section. She was only 4 cm dilated after 11 hours. She was upset and wanted more time. At 6:30 pm, the doctor told her she’d give her two more hours and then she would have a c-section. In those two hours she went to another place. She swears her late grandmother visited her, an angle came into the room, and something changed. The nurse came to check Leah after the two hours were up and couldn’t find her cervix. She wasn’t sure what that meant, but the nurse told her she was going to have a vaginal birth. Leah wanted to switch the the music from spa to reggae. The energy in the room changed. She was so happy her baby’s heartbeat didn’t change through everything. Just 10 minutes of pushing and her son was born. He weighed 7 pounds 7 oz. She was so happy yet still couldn’t believe she had a baby.
Fun Fact: Leah was born over 10 pounds and her mother had a vaginal birth. Her husband was also over 10 pounds and his mother had a vaginal birth.
Her body was shaking the next day while the medication was leaving her system. She said there was haze post birth. Her baby had hip dysplasia where he was put in a harness, so she couldn’t get full skin to skin. Leah said her pelvis was clicking for almost two years after birth. It didn’t cause her pain, but the PT she saw said it was diastasis of the pubic symphysis. It made her feel unstable. People told her because she was a yoga instructor that she would bounce back which she thinks is nonsense. She doesn’t think it’s fair to think we are going to bounce back… whatever that means. It took her a year to lose the weight she put on when she was pregnant. She’s lost most of her flexibility.
She said after she got home, she was so mad. Looking back she knows she got what she wanted but she was also mad she didn’t speak up for herself. She thinks it might be the lack of sleep too, but she’s not really sure. She didn’t like handing off her son to others. It took her a long time to share him. It took a year for her cycle to return.
It was important to Leah that she exclusively breastfeed. She declined the formula the hospital gave her. Her baby had no problem latching. Breastfeeding was hard and doesn’t think enough people talk about the challenges. She did it, but her nipples were very sore. She said right under her armpits swelled like little grapes when her milk came in. She took a probiotic, made green shakes, massaged the area and it went away in about four days. She believes what she put in her body helped herself heal. She didn’t make enough milk to pump, so she was up every two hours. Her goal was to breastfeed a year, but she nursed until he was almost two years old. She stopped breastfeeding because she wasn’t producing and she thought she was time. Now that she’s stopped breastfeeding after almost 2 years, she has mild symptoms of postpartum depression.
Resources:
Over 40 Fabulous and Pregnant on Instagram
Leave a Reply