On episode 64, is the second episode of the TTC series. The first episode is Believing Pregnancy is Possible over 40. You seemed to really like that one, and this episode was requested by a listener. At first, I wasn’t sure about creating this episode, but then I remembered ALL the comments posted on Instagram saying, ‘we can’t afford IVF.’ That’s when I knew I had to create this show!
Note to the reader: This is a (very) general transcript of the show, and the intro has been excluded.
There are a few things I want you to know before we get started: First, this episode is not to tell you that you CAN afford IVF. I also don’t want you to think that money will get you a baby, but money might be able to open up the possibility of pregnancy. For this episode, we are implying that not having enough money is the problem, but of course that may not be true. Second, just like I mentioned in the believe episode, Brooke Castillo has been a huge inspiration to this show. Many of these ideas came from her, so I can’t take credit for it.
Before we even start talking about money, I suggest being super confident about what is important to you when it comes to expanding your family. Like for me, it was super important to me that I experience pregnancy and birth at least one time. I’ve always wanted two kids: one of our own, (assuming the genetics would be from my husband and me), and the second would be from embryo adoption or child adoption. Knowing that really helped us to make decisions along our journey. Also, know your why! Why do you want to have kids? This is going to be the second big question that will help guide your path of your journey. Finally, generally know the cost of treatments and options even if you think you can’t afford it, and know what support your insurance will provide. Knowledge is power and I think many of us have no idea how many different treatments are available to us. There are so many more options than just IVF and a spontaneous pregnancy. Before we did our second transfer, it was really important to us that we do more testing even if it meant delaying the transfer. Having a second child without my genetics was important to me for a second child, so it made going to donor eggs an easy transition. Of course, it was hard for me at first! I had to mourn the loss of having children with my genetics. If donor eggs improved our chances of pregnancy and having a family, I got there quickly.
That leads me to my next point: What is your money philosophy? What do you think about money? What are your thoughts or beliefs on money? Many of our thoughts on money start with what our parents have told us about money. I grew up with conservative parents when it comes to money. I was taught to have a savings account and grow it. Later in life, I became obsessed with saving and one could argue it wasn’t a good thing. I often hold on tight to money. Spending money can be painful for me. When it came time to pay for the egg retrieval and donor eggs, I didn’t think we had the money either. I hated borrowing money, and that’s when I realized I didn’t have a good relationship with money. My thoughts were coming from scarcity of not having enough. Honestly, my husband spearheaded this. For one of the big tickets items, we took out a credit card for two years with 0% interest. I had to tell myself that sometimes you don’t have to have the cash laying around and barrowing money can be an option.
I learned a lot from that experience about money. My thoughts were coming from scarcity that we didn’t have it and couldn’t afford it. Before we decided on donor eggs, we discussed where our stopping point was and how much was too much to spend. For me, it was more of an emotional stopping point than anything, but we both agreed.
Before this podcast, I was determined to have a homesteading podcast. I had everything ready but the podcast, and we were already starting our TTC journey. I wanted to drop the homesteading podcast and start this very podcast. I had it all planned out in my, but I thought I couldn’t start it until I was pregnant. This was a common theme for myself, switching from one thing to the next before I even finished something. With love, my husband suggested I get the homestead podcast going before I started Over 40 Fabulous and Pregnant Podcast. He just wanted me to start and finish something, but my mind was already made up. I had a friend at my office who was starting a margarita shop, and he asked me to work there. I immediately said yes to the second job! I had a great time, I learned so much about starting a new business, and customers would often ask if I was the owner. I was confident I had what it took. I worked there for about six months or so and used that money to start and sustain this podcast. Was it long hours and hard work sometimes? Of course, but it was empowering and got me the cash for this show!
Remember what money is: Money is a tool. Money is neutral, and money can be a result. Mostly, for this context it’s not a result, but only a circumstance. Circumstances are always neutral. It’s not the amount of money in your bank account that makes you feel a certain way. Money only has power until we have a thought about it. It’s only paper or a number on a screen. It has value because we have decided it does. I also learned my thoughts on money were affecting my results of being pregnant. I’m confident that if it wasn’t for my husband, I wouldn’t have spent the money, and I wouldn’t be pregnant sitting here telling you my story. Would we have gotten pregnant spontaneously, maybe…
If you were magically given $1 million dollars in your bank account, you might say you feel secure. However, the money is just sitting there, it’s not doing anything. It’s your thoughts about what the amount means that makes you feel secure. Separating those two concepts out is very important.
If I want from abundance, I believe spending money will help us get pregnant. It feels good. It feels exciting. If I want from scarcity, I think spending the money will be a waste of time. It doesn’t feel good. That’s how you know where you are wanting from. I did an exercise that helped me want from a place of abundance by creating a list of 25 things I wanted. We are taught to want to from a place of scarcity, meaning we only want things we don’t have. But instead, half of the things on my list I wanted, I already had. Reading my list: 1. I wanted to be married. (I have a husband) 2. I want a baby. (I was TTC when I created the list) 3. I wanted a homestead with chickens. (I have chickens and rabbits, a garden and pups) I wrote down at least 25 things. What are the things in your life you want and you have? It’s a much different energy when you want things you already have. I’m sure you might say that being grateful is the same thing, but wanting and being grateful are different emotions. When you want from abundance you are being fueled from a positive emotion. Scarcity is fueled from a negative emotion. I asked myself what does abundance feel like? What does it feel like to spend money trying to conceive? If it feels like there isn’t enough, it doesn’t mean you stop wanting it, it just means you give up on the thoughts about it.
When I think about our option of having a second child if that’s what we decide, it feels like there are so many options available! It feels really good. I definitely don’t feel too old anymore. In a perfect world, we would have more embryos, but I’m so drawn to embryo adoption and the possibility of conceiving spontaneously feels like a wonderful option.
If you don’t have money for fertility treatment you might think you feel scarce because of the lack of money or you feel stress because of the lack of money to pay for IVF (or whatever treatment). It’s not the lack of money to pay for the treatment, it’s what you think about it and make it mean that will cause you to feel a certain way. I want to suggest the only real problem is how you think about money.
If you believe fertility treatments will help you get pregnant, know that you can afford it, it’s all in your mind. You might think you don’t have enough, but the problem is only how you think about it. I suggest you write down all of your thoughts about money. Your thoughts create your emotions that ultimately create your actions that create your results. I don’t want to say that spending money is the only way to have a baby either by the way, but consider this: if you have one person that says, “I have to save 10% of my paycheck for embryo adoption,” (or whatever) and someone else that says, “I can’t save any money for embryo adoption.” These two people are going to get two very different results. It’s the thoughts that are creating the actions that in turn create results.
Typically, most of us don’t pay attention to how we think about money. We don’t have any idea how we are creating our results. Look at the amount of money you have in savings. You might say that you have that amount because of external circumstances. What if you have that amount because of the thoughts you have about money that are creating your results of your saving account? Whatever the amount is, it’s not bad or good. The thought that is driving your money habits, does it feel good? Is that the path you want to continue? Do you want to be driven by that emotion? For some of us it might be indifference, determination, or maybe commitment. Behind every emotion is a thought that drives an emotion. Knowing the thought and emotion is very empowering if you want to change it.
If some of these questions are hard to answer. That’s ok. I know for me, I need to work on the answer sometimes for days or weeks to really understand what’s going on in my head as time goes on. Sometimes it’s hard to see the belief systems we have been trained to think because the thoughts feel like the truth or are facts.
I see a few of you rolling your eyes and say come on, some people just CAN’T afford fertility treatment. I want to suggest it may not be true! The way you think about money could change everything. Make sure you’re aware of how you think. Is this how you want to continue to think about money? What feelings are your thoughts creating? It’s not who you are, it’s what you’re thinking. The thought ‘I can’t afford it,’ how does it feel to think that? It might feel defeating or helpless, but that thought it optional. What if you thought, “I have enough money to pay for IVF, but I choose to pay for my mortgage instead.” Isn’t that so much more empowering?! You have options and the power to decide. One is powerful and the other is a victim. When you believe in the outcome and believe in yourself, you’ll keep taking action until you achieve the result you want, no matter how long it takes.
The steps to do this are: write down what you are thinking about money right now. I know, yes write them down. It’s so much easier to see when you write it down. It’s like trying to do math in your head. Math is much easier to do when you write it down. What are your thoughts about money? Number two, decide if you want to keep thinking those thoughts. Are they serving you? I ask myself that question all of the time. It’s often, “That thought is not serving me!” And that’s ok too, it’s powerful to know if it’s not serving you. The last step is to change the thought. If you want to think, “I am capable of saving money for an IUI,” and you are coming from, “I can’t afford an IUI,” all of the evidence that you can afford it will come up. This is normal when you are changing your thoughts. All of the evidence that you can’t afford it will come up. Your brain will want to prove yourself right. Your brain has been trained to believe something else. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to take time. Can you change your thoughts about money without changing the amount of money you have?
How would you think if you could pay a fertility treatment bill next year instead of right now? What thoughts, feelings and actions would be different? Can you commit to believing that? What would you have to think to believe it? What thoughts and feelings would you think if you could never afford it? Which thought do you like better? Which will get you where you want to be?
I believe if all you need is money to solve your dream of motherhood, I believe it can be solved by just the way we think about money and the ability to create better thoughts which will create actions to get you the result.
I hope you found this episode empowering and hopeful for whatever circumstance you are in. It just might not be numbers in your bank account that are preventing you from investing money in your fertility. It’s simple to change your thoughts, but it’s not easy. What if your thoughts were all that were in the way?
If you have any requests for shows, share them with me on Instagram, email me or contact me through the contact us page on the website.
Thank you for listening! Have a wonderful week, and I’ll see you Monday on the next show!