Am I Pregnant: The Two Week Wait

What is the two week wait? Let me explain. First, I’m 42 and we had one of our two embryos transferred six days ago through the IVF process. Nine days from the transfer is the blood draw at the fertility clinic. At day 10 is the consultation with the doctor to tell me if I’m pregnant. The time between the transfer and the consultation with the doctor is called The Two Week Wait.

I’ve heard it’s hard and sure, it’s easy to sympathize with someone from the outside that hasn’t gone through it before… kinda. I had no idea exactly how hard it would be. I mean, the entire IVF process is a roller coast of emotions, but no one can prepare you for this. Now is not a time to write a letter to myself from the future or to the future! This is present day and very real.

The day of the transfer I was on cloud 9, totally calm. Then, it started a few days ago. I listen to every pain or movement in my abdomen, “this feeling means I’m pregnant. It went away, so I must not be pregnant.” Stories like this play in my head all day long. I’m feeling for any sign that I’m pregnant or not pregnant. Little moments of panic throughout the day.

Working helps some. I worked until 8:00 pm tonight. Why? It’s a time to be all alone in the office with the classical music of Beethoven blaring where I get to focus on something else. O no, I’m late taking my Progesterone Oil injection!

My heart beats fast until I’m reminded my doctor told me to not do anything to raise my heartbeat. Well, great. No way I can be pregnant now!  

I mentioned on Instagram about the transfer and anxiety only to realize all I was asking myself was, “Am I pregnant?” It’s a question that will remain unanswered until next week if I choose not to take an at-home test. I got good advice to take the test and others recommended not to take the test. My conclusion: I’m not READY to take a test.

Asking myself if I’m pregnant is a thought/question that is not useful to me. I have so much anxiety. I feel out of control. I even had a hard time speaking today in a complete sentence one time. The anxiety is overwhelming. I do have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow I’m looking forward to. In the meantime, I want to give my brain a different question to think about, “What do I want to think, feel, and act if I’m pregnant?” and “What do I want to think, feel, and act if I am not pregnant?” That’s right, both questions and even give them equal time to think about. Thinking ahead of time about both cases before I even know the answer gives me so much peace. In fact, it gives me absolute confidence I am ready to handle either outcome. I found it interesting that some of my answers are the same to both questions.

What do I want to think, feel, and act if I am pregnant?

I smile when I ask myself this question. I love asking myself this question. I know I will cry tears of joy! I want to think this is exactly how it’s supposed to happen. I believe this is really happening this time. I will think this is my time. I want to feel all the joy and excitement but also be calm and peaceful like ‘yeah, I know. Of course I’m pregnant! We used donor eggs from a 26 year old!’ I want to act confident. I want to act like I can do anything now. I want to be thankful for my past-self for saving the money and being able to afford this. I want to feel lucky!

What do I want to think, feel, and act if I am NOT pregnant?

I’m sad when I ask myself this question. I struggle saying the words out loud but it’s important to me that I think about this ahead of time ALSO. It’s like giving myself rules on how I want to act. My brain is also comfortable with this question because I’ve been pregnant three times. A little bit too comfortable giving me negative thoughts that come so easily. I want to give myself a hug and say it’s ok. I want to think everything happened exactly as it is supposed to. I want to feel hopeful we have another chance with a second embryo. I want to celebrate the experience even though we didn’t get the outcome we wanted. I want to think science is amazing at giving us the opportunity to have baby. I want to think I’m strong no matter what circumstance is thrown my way. I want to think that life is 50/50: 50% good and 50% bad. This is the bad, and I want to appreciate the good in my life. I want to be thankful for my past-self for saving the money and being able to afford this. I don’t want to act like I’m an IVF victim.

My IVF journey isn’t over.

I’m not sure if I’ll take a test before Tuesday. One thing I do know, I’m already pregnant or not pregnant whether I know or not. It’s already happened and knowing may not be the answer.