If you’re confused about the title, I get it. This is a letter to myself from the future. I found lots of letters to your future-self but none from the future. In the future I am a mother, and I’m writing myself a letter during my TTC journey. This is the second letter in this series, so here’s the first letter if you want to start there. It’s not about what the letter says. It’s not about reading it again in some future time period. It’s about shifting my mind into thinking I’m a mother now and believing it’s going to happen while I’m writing the letter.
I wasn’t sure I needed to write another letter… but as it gets closer to the transfer, it turns out I do.
July 9, 2023
Dear TTC Jamie,
You are less than a week away from the transfer. Tonight, you start giving yourself shots and I see you looking at other’s experience for answers on how yours is going to turn out. I thought you needed to hear from me again.
Right now, it’s in the middle of the afternoon as I hold a sleeping baby if the dogs will keep from barking. I am in the nursery sitting in the rocking chair while I hold the sleeping baby. It’s dark because the curtains are closed. The lamp is on and the closet door is open so I can see all of the little clothes hanging on tiny little hangers. I love coming in this room and looking around, seeing how far this room has come, and seeing it transform into a baby’s room.
I love watching the baby grow. You can see the wheels spinning when the baby learns something new. We’ve definitely created a routine and you can tell the baby is getting used to it. You can tell the classical music you played while you were pregnant is still comforting.
Breastfeeding is getting better but the bonding experience is like no other. The baby is growing out of clothes quick and the diapers are never ending. It is hard. I don’t want you to think it’ll be easier. Sometimes it seems like the baby cries for no reason. The blowouts are a complete disaster, but I find myself going in the nursey while the baby is sleeping just to watch. I’m afraid I might miss something. I love watching him with the baby. He seems to know when to swoop in and help me when I’ve lost my patience. He is still magical to get the baby to fall asleep in his arms.
We just had our first trip out to see Mom. You would think we were going to be gone for a week, but it was just a day trip! Making sure I got everything was a little stressful. Worrying it was going to be nonstop crying the whole time was also on my mind. Mom was more prepared than I expected, and I didn’t need to bring as much as I thought. Overall, it was a great trip. The baby was passed around to everyone and the baby enjoyed every minute of it until it was feeding time. That is a time for just me and the baby. Of course we rode around in the ranger which the baby enjoyed too. You could tell Mom was so happy to have us there. She even kept the baby while we got a bite to eat. It was a lovely surprise and she loved the time alone with the baby too.
I thought you needed to hear a few stories from your future before you started this week. You are scared it’s not going to work and possibly more scared it IS going to work. That’s ok. Take it one day at a time. First, you have to learn how to take the shot first and you have your first acupuncture appointment tomorrow. You will have nine months to prepare for the baby. Everything is going to work out exactly like it’s supposed to. You are ready, but you still need a bit more patience.
Relax. Relax your tight ass and everything is going to work out just as it should. You are not going to find out how your journey ends by looking at others. You know that. This is your journey and no one else’s. You are strong. You don’t need strength from someone else because you already have it.
You will be me soon.
Love,
Mother Jamie
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