If you’re confused about the title, I get it. It’s a letter to myself from the future. In the future I am a mother, and I’m writing myself a letter during my TTC journey. Too far out? Too woo woo? Doesn’t make sense?
Let me start with a bit of a background story before we get to the letter. You see, I’m 42, married but we don’t have kids. We’ve been trying since 2021, but I don’t want to bore you with that story. I’m quite comfortable here in TTC world. No one wants to be here, but I’m comfortable now telling my war stories. I’m ready to break free! My mindset for the last 2+ years has been, to be frank, “it’s not going to work,” “this is a waste of money,” you get the picture…it’s amazing how powerful our minds are. In just two weeks, pending an amazing review of my baby box (that’s my uterus), we are going to transfer one of our embryos. I’m pretty much out of time getting my body ready, but heck, I sure have time to get my mind right! I’ve heard Brooke Castillo say she’s done this before, and I just thought it was brilliant. It’s not about the letter. It’s not about reading it again in some future time period. It’s about shifting my mind into believing it’s going to happen because I’m feeling what it’s like to be a mother while I’m writing the letter.
It’s really turned out to be an amazing exercise for my brain. I felt absolute calmness after crying my eyes out while writing it. I want to believe and it’s going to take work. Actual brainpower to think differently, and I believe it’s in this work that will truly help me be successful with the transfer.
Dear TTC Jamie,
You’re going to be a mother. You haven’t been very patient with the process over the last few years have you? Let’s be honest, you’ve never been with anything you really wanted. Two and half years of trying for a baby and you did it. Don’t be in such a hurry to get to motherhood. It’s going to happen. Try not to rush. Live in every TTC moment because it’s going to be ending soon.
Where should I begin? You’ve been wanting to experience pregnancy since high school. You are going to love being pregnant. It won’t be as romantic as you pictured, though. And the birth, well it’s not going to go as you had wanted it exactly, but it’s going to be more magical than you could have ever imagined. That is a moment you’ll never want to forget. Breastfeeding is hard, but you’ll get the hang of it.
The house looks amazing by the way. He worked so hard at getting the bathrooms finished before the baby came. The kitchen is still left, duh. But what is done is amazing. It’s really transformed into a beautiful home over the years.
Be happy were you are, because it’s not easier being a mother. In fact, it might be harder, but it’s worth all of the hard times. You know life is 50/50 no matter what circumstance you’re in. The love I feel for this baby is nothing I’ve ever felt. And watching him be a father, I fell in love with him all over again. You know the baby looks just like him, that’s to be expected. Mom: she’s been staying with us off and on. She’s been so helpful, and I have a new found respect for her. I love watching her with the baby. I watch her like I’m looking into the past as if she’s taking care of me.
Just keep on believing. Motherhood is just around the corner – just not as quickly as you had hoped. It’s amazing being a mother. This was always the plan, so just enjoy getting there. Don’t mess with the plan or the timeline. Know that endless diaper changing will be in your future. You will have a beautiful family.
Listen, your ‘o shit’ panic thoughts don’t magically go away when you get pregnant. Continue to work on them. You will become a mother. This is exactly the way it is supposed to happen. The donor eggs are going to work! Keep working on your thoughts and your tight ass.
You’ll be me soon.
Love,
Mother Jamie
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