On episode 81, this is the second part of a two-part series where three ladies plus myself are discussing the IVF process, our experiences, and what we did to prepare through the process. Listen to Part I where we discuss our overall experiences. I’m pregnant in the second trimester at 43 with donor egg conception. We have returning guest from episode 50, Sonia. Sonia was pregnant at 44 with donor egg conception, also. Nisha is a returning guest from episode 56. She was pregnant at 43 with her first transfer of one embryo that led to her twin girls. Adriana is our first-time guest sharing her experience where IVF hasn’t worked. The goal of this show is to share our experiences of the IVF process, so you can be more confident if IVF is right for you.
For this show, we are going to be more focused on the common way of going through the process, which is having an egg retrieval and using your own eggs with a partner. Sonia and I have different experiences with donor eggs, but that’s another show.
To learn more about the guests of the show, find links to their Instagram under resources below.
Egg Retrieval: How did you prepare?
Nisha: I didn’t really change my diet. I’m pretty healthy. I’m a vegetarian. I don’t, know whether that makes an impact in terms of the process in any way. I took a multi-vitamin with Folic acid and iron by a brand called Pregnacare. I was told not to do that, and take each supplement separately. Then I spoke to my GP and they said no, just take that one vitamin. I listened to my GP and I did that. I wouldn’t say I didn’t really do anything extra. I drank more water, and I did a lot more changes to my diet when I was pregnant, rather than in preparation for my retrieval.
Adriana: The first retrieval, I took prenatal vitamins. The second egg retrieval, I took CoQ10 and prenatal vitamins. I didn’t really do anything any different than adding those supplements.
Sonia: I took supplements and that’s it. I drank more water, but I’m pretty healthy otherwise. I really didn’t do much, but I also knew that I don’t have any immunology stuff. There was no point in doing all these other things if I don’t have any immunology issues.
Egg Retrieval: What about medication? Who did your shots? How did different medications during the process affect you?
Adriana: The first time, six years ago, I couldn’t look at needles. I know I worked at a hospital before, but just giving myself shots, that was very weird. I just couldn’t do it. My sister is a nurse and she lived about six minutes down the road from me. Every morning and every evening, I would go to her house. She worked in the operating room and the last three days, she got stuck in the operating room. I had all the meds ready to go. I waited for her until the last minute, but she just couldn’t get out. I did them myself. The effects on me for the first time: I was tired and emotional, but that was pretty much it. It wasn’t terrible. The second time, I was on the higher dose, and I gave myself the shots. I know I probably should have had my partner do them, but I was a little irritated with him. I told him I would do it myself. He asked if I needed help and I said no, I’ve got this. I’ve been doing this basically by myself, so let me just finish. I did all of those shots myself. It was a lot tougher emotionally. Maybe because I did have a partner, but I felt like I was not getting the support, so it didn’t seem as easy. He did help, though, with the progesterone and oil shots (for the embryo transfer), because that needle…I just couldn’t.
I think it is also, or it was for me, very empowering. Because the first time I didn’t think I could do it. My sister had to do them for me. And then the second time around, you know what? Let’s just do it. Let’s go.
Sonia: I did all my shots myself for egg retrieval stuff. Part of it was I wanted my husband to do it. I even got upset at him. I asked him why aren’t you doing this? He said he didn’t want to mess it up. He looked at me and said he didn’t want to be responsible if something isn’t done right. I said okay, alright. Now with the progesterone oil, once we get to transfer stuff, I did need help with them. I did them all myself for the egg retrieval, though.
Nisha: Joe did most of mine. I think there were some towards the end where he just wasn’t around, and I had to do it. He was at work. It was important for him to do it, so he felt like he was doing his part in the whole process. I think he struggled doing it. He saw the pain I was going through, and I think he really felt it. They really stung. I just remember the bruising and running out of places to put the blooming injection. I couldn’t even reach half the ones even if I wanted to do it myself.
Jamie: I heard so many stories of all these partners doing their shots for them and I was thinking on, thank God. Because I had the biggest fear of needles. I have passed out on the floor, getting my ears pierced and I’m thinking I had this one in the bag. He’s going to do all of them. And he said he would the first one, and that’s it. I had to do all the other. I was like oh no, no, no, no, no this isn’t right. Everybody else has their husbands do it, so you need to. And he goes, do you want to get over your fear of needles and have a baby or not? I told him to give it to me right now. He did the first one and then he did a second progesterone. I think because my dress was weird or it was some outfit I had on and he did a second. That was it the whole time. I did them, and I got over my fear of needles.
What was the egg retrieval like for you?
Jamie: I kind of want to mention first that I was shocked at just how vulnerable it felt. I mean, you go to your doctor’s appointment and they look at the follicles. When I walked in that OR and they have me go sit up on the table. I was spread eagle with all of my business facing a window with all these people running around. I felt exposed. It didn’t feel that great but my egg retrieval, we had, two or three follicles. I only had one mature egg to fertilize.
Nisha: I felt quite comfortable to see all those people for me. Maybe I’m a bit of an exhibitionist as well. You just get used to it by that time. Because there was lots of people and they were explaining every step of the way, I felt quite comfortable more than anything else. There was a lot of humor in the room, too. I loved being on anesthetic. I loved coming out of it. I loved being able to eat loads of biscuits afterwards, and not feel bad. I got extra love from my husband and I really milked it.
Adriana: The first one, we walked towards the OR but I felt the anesthetic immediately, so I don’t remember much. I was a little nauseous after the anesthesia, so that wasn’t great for me. The second egg retrieval, the anesthetic was given to me in the room before we left the OR. I remember being wheeled off and talking nonsense, and then I was out. I don’t remember. I didn’t feel anything at all.
Sonia: I actually never made it to an egg retrieval. Everything was so bad for me that I never made it to an egg retrieval. Which was wild because I was like, how was my body responding so badly to the medications? When we went to IVF, my follicles weren’t responding and I couldn’t believe. I’m sitting there wondering how am I feeling this medication so much after I would inject Menopur. It was so wild. I’m really in tune with my body, too, so I think that’s part of it. I think as an endurance athlete, you have to be. I couldn’t make sense of why it wasn’t working. It was just like, how is this not working? Obviously, if you have no follicles, I understood that medication can’t make follicles. At the same time, I’m sitting there going, how are they not growing? How are they not responding to all of this I’m putting in? It was wild. And devasting. Looking back now, I was just in such a fog and I was just like almost disassociated, too, because I just couldn’t believe it wasn’t working.
How was your experience creating embryos?
Sonia: The first round of donor eggs resulted in zero. No blastocyst. That was hard. I just said, wait a second, because you have no control with that egg retrieval. Then knowing that, wait a second, some fertile myrtle young spring chicken eggs were shit. It was just like the luck of the draw, basically. We purchased six frozen donor eggs, and then we paid for the assured program. The company we went with, sounds so transactional, I know, guarantees and a blastocyst. One blastocyst is their guarantee. So, when this first round didn’t work, then I was guaranteed another cohort of frozen donor eggs. Then, obviously, that one, I ended up with Taya. So, that part ended good.
We didn’t have the embryos tested. Our daughter is a five-day fresh transfer. The choice of using donor eggs and somebody younger is we knew her genetic profile against my husband’s before they made the embryos. We knew that part was going to be good in terms of creating embryos. Although, it’s interesting because you don’t do that when you select your partner if you’re in a hetero relationship. You don’t say, “can I see your genetic report?” We just decided to do this five-day fresh transfer, and I’m so lucky. I’m one of the lucky ones that just worked.
Nisha: I feel like I blocked it out after it was done, but I went through three rounds of back-to-back egg retrievals. I ended up with, I think, it was always the lower side of average. The first round I think I had seven follicles, then five and five. Then we have seven eggs total to fertilize. They turned into two embryos and had them tested. With my clinic, we had to get them tested for abnormalities. One embryo creation. The eggs were frozen and then thawed to make the embryos. One out of the two embryos must have been great quality. I’m so blessed and I’ve got two little ones.
Adriana: After the first egg retrieval, we ended up with two embryos. After genetic testing, neither embryo was normal. At the end of the day, zero. The second egg retrieval, we had three follicles, but we were only able to retrieve two eggs. We got one embryo and did a fresh transfer from that. Then the third egg retrieval was canceled after a few days of meds.
You get the update. I was getting them through the app, so I’m literally looking at logging in every 30 minutes and just waiting and waiting.
How did you decide which embryo to transfer? Did you have any say in it? Did you get an option to transfer more than one? Did they offer you an option to do both of them?
Nisha: They said after 40, we really highly recommend you not transfer more than one. We would have been grateful with one for sure. I think one was a better quality than the other one, even though they were both fine. We went for the better quality embryo first.
Sonia: The same here. We weren’t given the option to do two. Part of it was age, but the other part of it was I hadn’t had an embryo transfer done before. There was no data for reference, like if I kept losing them, then let’s do this Hail Mary and transfer two embryos. My clinic is open to that, but there was just no data to support why that should be done. Taya’s embryo technically is a day five embryo. Our other embryo that’s frozen is a day six. It’s still good quality, just not tested.
Adriana: Well, that was pretty easy for me because I never created two embryos at the same time. So, it was never really an option.
Did you have any additional testing before the transfer?
Nisha: No, I had a fibroid and it was at the worst place in my uterus. I had to get the fibroid removed before I did my transfer, so that was delayed a few months.
Sonia: No, I didn’t do any extra testing aside from all the bloodwork. At least I felt like they did. There was no indicator to do anything else. Quite honestly, because of my age, I wasn’t interested in doing all the other things. There was nothing to indicate to that anything else is wrong or needed addressing. All of the things I’ve had done, there’s nothing to support it. Let’s just go for it. Had I not been in my forties and maybe in my thirties, maybe I would have done more and been okay with waiting a little longer. I don’t know. It’s hard to say. I didn’t do anything else, but I always tell everybody there was nothing indicating that I needed to.
Jamie: We were looking for problems. We did the Emma Test and the Alice Test. One measured inflammation and the other measured the lactobacillus. I was actually low with the lactobacillus. I think it was reassurance, also, because we only had two embryos and I didn’t want to mess this up. I wanted to be a hundred percent sure.
Adriana: No, I really didn’t. The only thing they were really looking for during transfer was just my uterine lining and that was great.
How long from the egg retrieval to the transfer and how was your transfer?
Sonia: It was just 5 days. I guess because it was donor eggs, so my hormones were great because they were all controlled by meds. I didn’t have to worry about overstimulation or hyper stimulation. With a fresh transfer, you also don’t know if there are any embryos until that morning. It was so hard. Then I couldn’t believe it. Then I couldn’t believe they were actually doing it.
Nisha: I had to wait because of my fibroid operation. I was told that I may not have even needed IVF if I had the fibroid removed. The fibroid could have grown because of the medication. I’ll never know. I try not to think about it, but I had to wait a couple of months.
Adriana: I did a 5-day fresh transfer and the interesting thing was we said if when we get the embryos, we’ll do genetic testing. We were not going to do a fresh transfer. Of course, I don’t get the embryos we wanted to do genetic testing and talked to the embryologist . My partner is very much a science person. If we do a first transfer, the embryo could have issues. It was so stressful because we really needed to know within 24 hours if this embryo makes it to day 5, because we would have to transfer that day. We just decided to do it. We did it at 5 days, it was wild because I was not prepared.
Mentally I didn’t feel prepared. I thought, what if it’s not a good quality? We didn’t do genetic testing. What if something’s wrong? My fear was miscarriage because my miscarriage was horrible. I didn’t want to go through that again, but I thought this was an opportunity. Let’s see what happens. It didn’t stick.
What about traditions? Did anybody do the fries, the socks…?
Jamie: I did none of it.
Sonia: I did all of it in a weird way. I had so many women in the community send me things to be able to do all of the things. The socks and the shirt and all that stuff… My bonus daughter gave me crystals to bring into the room to hold on to. I didn’t get the French fries, but one of my friends door-dashed me McDonald’s French fries. And then that night, my bonus daughter and I put out water because it was a full moon and we drank moon water the next day. It’s such a silly superstition that under a full moon, you put water with your crystals and it supercharges it. My bonus daughter was really into crystals at that time. We did it together. We put out a big jug and we drank moon water every morning to help the baby grow.
I think, don’t quote me on this, but I think that there’s a bit of social media influence and then marketing, too. If you wear these socks, this is supposed to help you. And most of it is old wives tales. There’s very little, or one small scientific variable in there. The rest of it is like folklore, capitalism and social pressure. I tried to take them in stride. I’m going to have fun and do these other pieces with that element of it. It wasn’t like they were things I HAD to do. I wanted to have fun with these things. I got to do them with my bonus kids. What preteen wouldn’t want McDonald’s for lunch. It was fun to do with my bonus daughter because she was into the crystals at the time. For her, it was fun.
Nisha: I’m looking at you (Sonia) not because you’re crazy. I’m looking at you because I’ve not even hear of these traditions. What do you mean by French fries and socks?
Adriana: Yeah, I did. I did the French fries and the pineapple core.
Instagram: What things did you do to be successful?
Sonia: It’s like when women ask me what my protocol was. Mine was so basic because I don’t have an reproductive and immunology stuff. I understand why we want information, but if you’re wanting information to help get better results, to peace of mind, all that stuff, that’s great, but if you’re asking somebody for what they did, because then you’re hoping that if you do exactly what they did, that’s going to result in a baby, you’re going to be more miserable than anything else. That’s why it’s like, what’s important to me. What am I willing to do? I was willing to walk upside and whatever it took, but I had to check myself because I also didn’t want to compromise who I am. Buying all the things, that’s not me. And there is no judgment of anyone that does. And, if you want the cool storage compartment for your meds, or you feel like that’s what you need, if that’s what you need to stay organized, then, yes. But, if you’re not somebody that buys that stuff, then why start?
That breaks my heart because I feel like I probably would have asked that question, too, in the thick of going through it. Just tell me the secret thing and I will do it. I promise I will do it and I’ll do it the best that I can. I believe that you’re going to do it the best you can, but you can’t do what I did.
Nisha: It’s so hard. After I did the interview with you, I got so many DMs asking me that question. What was your formula? And I think in a way it’s like, you want to give hope. My whole thing was I smashed my statistics, but I also said on the other side, I was one of the lucky ones. And do you know, it doesn’t mean that you do everything I do and you’re going to smash the statistics. It’s not what I’m saying. So trying to strike that balance of inspiring and giving people hope, but then not leading them down this false hope where it’s like, do it and you’ll get to where I am. That’s really important to me. You still have to be grounded. You still have to be honest about it. Every day. I say I was one of the lucky ones.
How was your experience with the two-week wait? How did you spend it?
Sonia: Yes, we took a little mini family vacation. We lined it up and we went to Padre. We took the kids to South Padre, which is like a spring break location in Texas. At the time that we went in the summer, it wasn’t spring break. It was a perfect distraction because we went away, but we just lined up perfectly. It was June. Kids were out of school and they were with us. It was five-day perfect distraction for me. I didn’t wait for beta to test.
I tested the day before my beta. So, I think my beta was on day 9 or 10. I’d have to look back at the calendar. Then I tested the day before and it was. I went back and forth. I needed to know this ahead of time so then I can start that grieving process. If it was positive, I knew that there was still so many hurdles to go through. I needed to be able to process that on my own. Then when I stared at that test the whole time, I didn’t not set it down and wait for it. I just sat there and stared at the dang thing. And then my bonus stutter, she was 9 or 10 at the time. I just love this. Her reaction, both of them were like, well, yes, you’re pregnant. I did this whole embryo transfer thing and why are you so excited?
Maybe it’s the pregnancy tests that I was taking, but my lines were never dark or saw these dye stealers. It’s why I tell women my beta numbers were really high. We lean into stuff hoping for this absolute answer or this comparison. It doesn’t exist in the way most of us does. That’s the hard part with the IVF process in general.
Adriana: Oh, it seemed like it was forever long. I didn’t do any pregnancy test at home. I just told myself I’m just going to wait until I get my beta. I was driving myself crazy because everything I felt, I thought, I think I am pregnant. Wait, I had a headache because I had been pregnant before, so I was trying to compare headaches. It’s probably the meds or I’m really tired. Well, it could also be the meds. That was not fun for me, but I patiently waited until I got beta. I was afraid to take it. I was afraid if it was negative. Let’s say I am pregnant and I get a false negative, no, no, no…I’m just going to wait. So, I struggled with it. I went back and forth and just decided to just wait for beta.
Nisha: I don’t have the willpower to wait. So, I took a test. I just got a pack of pregnancy tests every day and I could see the faint line quite early on, but then I think the day when I got the results and then did the test properly, it wasn’t as strong as before. Does that mean it was wrong all of this time? And I got myself into such a state until I was officially told that I’m pregnant after the blood tests. So, I didn’t have the willpower. I just tested it. Maybe I started testing on da four because I thought this is silly. I can do this. I didn’t tell my husband. I just did it without him knowing. And then when I saw the faint line. I have no willpower.
Jamie: For my two week wait, I did a lot of journaling and that really help me believe in it to get into the mindset that it was possible. It was so powerful. I wrote a letter to myself as a mother and I gave myself advice. Now, I talked about what it was like to be a mother and it was so powerful and I wanted to believe. And I wanted to know what I wanted tot think, feel and act before I ever took a test. That was really important to me. And, at first, the two week wait was so easy. What’s the problem? You know, this is my second two week wait and I got to day six and I had to test. I was like a drug addict ready to leave the office and go to Walgreens and get a test. I was really feeling pregnant. I had cramps. I have to be pregnant. On day six, I tested, but it was light. And, because my other transfer was a chemical, I think I had an HCG of 42 or something. I thought this is happening again. I have a light beta. I was crushed even though it was positive. But, then on day seven and eight, I tested again and they were really dark lines.
Did you feel pregnant during your two-week wait?
Jamie: I felt pregnant and I think that’s not true for everybody. Nisha, I don’t think you felt pregnant, correct? I think that’s wild how it works either way.
Nisha: Not at all.
Sonia: Yes, right away. That was also part of the reason why I wanted to test early. It could have been the meds and the same thing when I threw up on day five. Everybody’s says there’s no way. That’s entirely possible because we were away and ate at a restaurant. It wasn’t true in my case. I’m so in tuned with my body. I don’t know too many endurance athletes that aren’t. You talked to marathoners ultra marathoners, ironman and I felt so pregnant.
Adriana: I over-analyzed the situation so any headache or tiredness, irritability, anything like that—surely I am pregnant. I wasn’t, but I think it’s just overanalyzing and also the effect of the meds.
Instagram: Solo mums by choice and or doing it without an existing support network… thoughts?
Jamie: I think that being single, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I think doing it without a support network is not something I would recommend.
Sonia: Find people who are in your corner. Then, I think the next step: How do you then find one you can physically meet up with on a somewhat regular basis that also gets it. I think that piece, especially for a lot of women in the IVF community, that is that missing piece. Meeting somebody for coffee, having them come over, even if it’s every 3 months or 6 months. They need to be there in some capacity.
Adriana: I’m at the point where if I do decide to move forward with any other treatment, it will be solo. I would move forward by myself. Having done IVF before, there is no way I can make it through without a support system.
Instagram: What advice do you have for selecting a sperm donor?
Jamie: None of us use a sperm donor and that’s such a personal decision. Now we chose egg donors, but it’s kind of the same process. You go through it and figure out what is important to you.
Sonia: I agree, there’s no right way to do it. That’s a whole other podcast question.
Instagram: What was the hardest part about picking a donor?
Jamie: I don’t know if it’s a good podcast for that. (Refer to the Donor Egg Round Table Show) There are so many different things to pick up that are important to you from the donor to what’s important to me may not be important to somebody else, either. It’s almost like, not sure if this is a horrible analogy, but it’s almost like how do you pick a life partner? It’s kind of the same question. We just all do it differently. Whether its donor egg or donor sperm, you’re going to have to compromise somewhere along the way.
Sonia: I would say for those people asking those questions, that would be like go to other accounts who again, that’s such a person thing that there’s no one right way to do it because also money plays a role. A huge role, especially in the United States. You can have the best intentions with wanting to have some contact with the donor, but that might not be financially feasible because, unfortunately that route is more expensive.
Also letting go of some things that we’ve talked about here, too. You’re not going to find a replacement for you and you have to let go of that. Like you’re going to find somebody who you feel is going to be our next best possible option since I’m not. Again, nobody can replace you. So, how do you pick somebody to add to the mosaic of your family?
What do you wish you knew before starting IVF?
Adriana: I think for me, really thinking of a plan and keeping in mind the first, it may not work the first time. How many times am I willing to do this? Because I started off without a plan and then I had a plan of okay, I’ll do 3 cycles. I was counting on IVF and IUI to work, and then I changed that. I pushed my boundaries and my plan and said, no, it’s 3 IVF, the IUI doesn’t count because I really knew that wasn’t really going to work. I just did it as a Hail Mary. My third IVF was canceled because they couldn’t see any follicles. I thought, well, that one doesn’t really count because I didn’t finish it. You negotiate with yourself, and I think you could lose your mind doing that. Having a plan, having boundaries and a very strong support system is so important.
Nisha: I don’t think I’ve got anything much more to add to that really. I guess for me, it’s getting all the information, but don’t be too attached to the information. Statistics are just statistics. You can still be that 0.01% chance. They could tell you, you’ve got a really high probability and then it didn’t happen. Don’t get too attached to numbers through that process. Get that information because I think it’s important to have that knowledge and to educate yourself on it. My whole world was like dependent on statistics. I remember when I was doing it, it just didn’t matter in the end.
Sonia: Adapt, being able to adapt to the changes and challenges that are presented towards you. Nobody knows exactly how to do that. Yes, the finances are important to have, what are your limits, how much do you want to do? You’re basing this plan off of not knowing what the next step is going to look like. So, being able to adapt and say: you have a rough draft which will change and be rewritten many times. Adapt. Adapt. Adapt. And that is so hard.
Jamie: Yes. Because you would have never guessed you would have used donor eggs. Me either. It was more important that I wanted a baby.
What was the easiest part of the process?
Nisha: I think probably the beginning. Just because you don’t know what you’re going into and you have that energy, you have that kind of positivity. It’s all fresh. It does get harder. Really. You can’t not talk about that. But I would say probably the beginning.
I was constantly told it’s not going to happen, don’t get excited about any of this. I think that’s hard because then you just always think that you’re failing throughout the whole process. It’s not going to work, then, it’s not going to. How did you push forward even though you had all that energy. For me, it was just telling myself, okay, I had no control over the outcome of this. I’m just going to tell myself that it will be okay. I was open to other things, like adoption. I just knew that a baby was going to come into my world but wasn’t sure what path and how. I said to myself, it may be this path, but it’s going to be another path and it’s going to happen. I just felt it, and I really, truly believed it.
That’s a new journey on its own, isn’t it? They have told you you’re pregnant, but then what does that mean? They’ve just told me I’m five foot, over 40 and they’ve told me I’m having twins. What the hell does that mean for me? Am I going to lose both of them? Do you know, it’s a whole new journey of fear and anxiety and stress.
Jamie: Because you haven’t experienced any failure or any bad news yet. It wasn’t easy. We have two that have babies. I am pregnant. Adriana didn’t get pregnant. I think it’s really important to note that we’ve all experienced failure through our IVF journey, whether we have babies or not. Even the good new was hard.
Adriana: I don’t think any of it was easy for me. Initially, even the first IVF was easier than the second one because I didn’t know anything. It was exciting. I’m going to preserve my fertility, all of these things, but it was very overwhelming, too, because they taught me in person how to do the injection. They showed me how to do that. I was given a calendar. You cannot forget and so you know somebody just starting the process may think, Oh, the two week wait may be the easiest. Well, not physically, but mentally, it is tough. I just don’t think there was an easy part to it for me.
Sonia: The beginning was easy because all I saw was possibilities. That’s what the easy part was. Everything else wasn’t easy.
What was the most stressful?
Sonia: My body? Everyone is holding their breath. And then every time we go into an appointment, we are going to continue with the cycle? Will we continue? Just like holding your breath and waiting for the other shoe to drop. And this is the more I got into the process.
Nisha: You get more attached, don’t you, the further along you go?
Jamie: Yes. I think the waiting was really hard for me because I wanted to do something.
Adriana: I think for me, all of it is so hard and stressful, but I think once I hit a roadblock during a cycle, that was tough. So, when I was starting my first one with my second doctor, I had never gotten Covid. I got Covid and wondered if I was right in the middle of it. So, I still didn’t know if it was Covid. My partner got it first. I thought I would just isolate and oh, the symptoms of Covid were a lot like the symptoms of IVF. So, the headaches and finally a test and I had it and it had to be canceled. So, that was stressful. But, then what came after that, too, it was a canceled vacation. Then it was waiting for your period, which took 45 days. So, literally, waiting for 45 days. So, I finally start my period and I’m really excited and go see my doctor and found out I have cysts. What do you do for cysts? They just go away on their own and wait for the next cycle. So, I think those little roadblocks that you hit tear into that journey. It’s so stressful.
There’s nothing you can do. You have to wait on your body. You can’t plan anything. You could plan vacations and things like that, but you don’t know what’s going to happen in a month.
What would you say to the woman who is struggling to conceive naturally, but can’t afford IVF?
Nisha: What can you say? I just want to give them a hug. It’s tough, right? I was one of the lucky ones. It may not have to compromise buying a house, so what? I could still go through IVF. I don’t know. What can you say? My heart goes out to them.
Sonia: Yeah, I think they might need a meeting with an RE first to find out if that’s in fact what they need. Again, if we’re talking about women in the 40’s. Then that’s the strongest possibility for sure. Statistically, you’re going to need IVF, but then finding an RE that can work with them and work within their budget. If that’s really not feasible because then there’s other possibilities in terms of grants. Programs that you can check on and that some clinics have, there are some answers out there and it still may not give you the golden ticket it requires a ton of work, but there are possibilities and I think that’s where having that community women can go. If you go to this clinic, here’s what they have and their financing and their help for people that can’t afford this. They do exist. It’s just finding all that on your own while you’re also grieving and struggling. You’re not supposed to be able to do all that. First of all, so going to other women and saying you can’t afford this, but I think this is what I need. Somebody help me.
There are loans out there, but, again, like talking to people saying, did you go with this company? What are the benefits to this? You need others to help you out because you’re just floundering. If you’re in tunnel vision space at that point, you’ll sign on the dotted line almost anything if it’s going to get you closer and faster. So, have somebody else going. Whoa, did you call and ask for this?
Adriana: I think those are really good points. I think, initially, what I would say if you’re having a hard time conceiving is immediately go see about it. Get really detailed information as to what would it take. What do the next steps look like me? Then there are grants, that’s some that Sonia mentioned. Just listening to different podcasts or following different pages. It seems like there is a lot of that, so maybe looking into that. Maybe creating a GoFundMe account.
For insurance, make sure you know what your coverage is, because when I did my retrievals six years ago, it was not covered. They told me I was not actively trying to have a baby. Therefore, nothing would be covered. Even my doctor told me my meds are not covered. But guess what? I had an aha moment and thought, CVS is a specialty pharmacy of my employer and they told me my meds were going to be 5,5000. I told them not to fill the order yet. Instead of paying $5,500 for meds, I ended up paying $150. So my retrieval, instead of being $12,000-$13,000, it was like $6,500.
What advice do you have for the woman who is struggling to conceive naturally?
Adriana: Go to an RE. Most people don’t know how you get pregnant anyway. What is your window? When do you ovulate? All of those things. If you’ve tried to conceive, and, normally they’ll tell you a year if you’re over 35 or 36 say six months. No, I wouldn’t wait the six months. I wouldn’t wait. I was just trying for a year. It’s not happening. Let’s just go. I’m in the same boat. No, I’m not waiting.
Jamie: I see quite a few women who want to stay with their OB, but that’s not their specialty. Go get checked out by an RE. Consultations are free.
Nisha: This might be controversial, but are you burying your head? If it hasn’t worked in the time frame that you’ve tried, are you just saying we’re going on holiday and continue to try? There’s got to be a point where you tell yourself to just get checked out. Let’s get the numbers and see what’s going on. Especially, after 40, don’t put that off. It can be hard to find out what is really going on. It’s easy to bury your head.
What advise would you have for yourself if you could go back and redo any part of the process?
Sonia: I would have frozen my eggs in my thirties if we’re in a perfect world. Putting Taya aside because, obviously, I have her and I can’t imagine it not being her. And in order for it to be her it has to be donor eggs, right? So, that’s like again, but in a perfect world setting Taya aside, I would have frozen my eggs in my thirties or my early thirties to see if that would have done anything differently. I think I’m just the wrong person to be answering that question.
Adriana: Yeah, I think for me, that may be the right person to answer this one, because it hasn’t worked for me. I didn’t even think about this, but thinking of freezing my eggs: in my head at that time, and even when I started the fertilization of these eggs, I was thought I did so awesome. I was so proactive. I got my levels checked. I froze my eggs. This is great. Instead of doing it in my 30’s to 37, I probably should have done it 30, 31. But did I have the money at that time to do it? So, resources, you’re living kind of a different lifestyle. I probably didn’t have the money at that time. If I had the money and the knowledge, I would do it. I think.
Sonia: I think now there’s more coverage, right? Because again, cause we were older, so we think about 10, 15 years ago. Maybe if you had cancer diagnosis, an employer might consider it right to cover freezing your eggs. But now, one of the good things is that more employers are seeing this and doing this. There’s more financial programs available. I tell all my students if you haven’t met your person by the time you turn 30, freeze your eggs. I tell them, it’s not a guarantee, but you’re getting yourself the best chance possible to do this. If this is something that you want.
All the knowledge you get. When you go into that egg freezing process, like it’s not just about freezing the eggs. It’s like all the things that the RE would check that would have a conversation with you. You’re going to walk out with so much more information about your own fertility. That’s going to set you up. You might not be given the news you want. It’s not going to guarantee the pathway is going to be easier, but you’re going to have these pieces of information sooner to make choices for yourself.
Adriana: So, so true. And I think, in addition to that, I think, if I would redo this again, going back to a plan, just having that plan and understanding that we, I would pivot, right? Depending on the situation, but more or less staying on that plan and also finding a therapist. I think that’s where that would have been very helpful for me because I’m not a super emotional person and I won’t talk about things and you’re in that tunnel and you’re going until you get it to a good place. You’re either pausing, you’re stopping, or you’re trying to figure out what you need to do. And then that’s when it all comes out. And I feel like that’s what’s happening to me right now, because right now I have so many life changes going on at the same time. It’s so overwhelming.
Jamie: Going back to education. That’s what advice I would give myself besides freezing the eggs. I have a girlfriend who is 36 or she’s younger and I told her to freeze her eggs. Whoa, Jamie. I said do it. But the advice I would give myself if I had to go back is to educate myself o myself because I hear a lot of doctors just say, Oh, your numbers are good. I wish I took the time to understand what those numbers were and meant.
Sonia: I, honestly, think about that going forward. I didn’t even know what to ask. So, that’s like, if we’re kind of leading into the last question, these are having more education. Your reproductive health is so important and it doesn’t just fall on women.
Nisha: So, how do you say I would change anything when my results were so amazing? I can’t. I couldn’t have met Joe when I later on in life. I couldn’t force him to try for a baby naturally., cause my clock’s ticking. You don’t do that when you’re in a relationship with someone. You don’t want him to run the other way. So, you had to naturally take its course. And it’s a hard one for me to answer because I think, for me, it’s easy to say it, but the timing was perfect for everything because I got the outcome that I wanted.
Do you plan to use IVF in the future?
Nisha: No. I have an embryo. I remember my health visitor coming and saying, Oh, do you know, you’ve got an embryo? Do you know what, you are going to do? And this is when I’ve just given birth. No, I’m not even going to go there. I’m going to research. So she said it would be a waste. It’d be a shame to waste it, wouldn’t it? You’re not talking about chocolate cake here. You’re just talking about my life sort of thing. I’m going to give mine to research and I’m blessed and I’m happy. And if anything, maybe one day I may think about adoption, but I’m not going to go through IVF again.
Sonia: I have one embryo, so right now, the answer is no. I’m struggling so much with this because we only wanted one child, but because we already have two from my husband’s previous marriage. So, there are three kids. But as soon as Taya was born, I felt so much more connected, like the other embryo on ice was also my son or my daughter. And, I guess leading up to before Tay was born, I saw it as Derek needed to make the decision because it’s his genetic material, not mine. But, now I think so differently. And this is just me personally. But my health. I’m not in a space where health wise I can do this in a reasonable time. I tell women, too, if you’re 46, 47, 48 and you want to transfer that other embryo and everybody’s says by all means do it. I just don’t think that’s for me and it’s so hard to say this. In three years time, sure. But, then my age plays a role in it. But I also have a living child at home. So it’s like I get to prioritize my health because I still need surgeries because of all the dental work I’ve done and reconstructive jaw surgery and all that stuff. So, I still have stuff that I’ve got to get done that I’ve put on hold to be able to have Taya. But, it’s such a complication. It’s really complicated. Nisha, I applaud you for having the resolve to have a decision that you’ve made. I think I’ll get there.
Nisha: But, again, my situation is different because I have two. I didn’t set out to have two. I think I would have, through IVF. I would have been happy with one. But you don’t know. You could have one and it could be alike a brother or sister. And I think adoption was an option for me. It still potentially could be. You know, things work out financially in a few years., so you can’t just answer that.
Adriana: I don’t have any embryos. I don’t have a partner or eggs. So, if I decided to move forward, then it would just to be and then I’m really thinking about it as an option, embryo adoption on my own. And, so that’s something that I’m exploring. But as Sonia would say, I’m in between spaces. So, there’s so much I have to figure out. First, I need to stay with my sister right now. I’m looking to buy a house because I moved out last weekend. My car is in the shop because moving day, I had an accident. I’m starting a new job. Ok, just take a deep breath. Pause this for now, get these other things situated.
Jamie: Yes, she is. Well, I always think about like a sibling. First, please just get this baby here. Is my first thing and, you know, cause we went to the ER, I think two weeks ago because I was bleeding. And so, my gosh. So that’s kind of my first though already is let just get him here. And, then I would love a sibling. And my first thought is that I would love for this to be a natural surprise. And that happened while we were in the process of finding a donor is I was pregnant naturally in the middle of it. So that would just be an amazing surprise. But I also love embryo adoption. I’ve always been drawn to that.
What should more of us be discussing about IVF that we haven’t covered?
Sonia: I know I feel like I feel like we’ve covered it. Especially with women in their 40’s. I really like you need to go to an RE, but you need to go to an RE to get the answers of where you are. So you can then make the best decision for yourself. But, if you’re just going to an OB or just following an account or three accounts or whatever, it is in social media, and that’s not enough. If you’re even say 37, 38 and above, that’s not enough. You have to get the testing done, so that way you can make the best decision for what you want, what you can afford, what you can do. But seeing an OB isn’t enough, not at our age, not at all. It just isn’t at any age, really, but you don’t have the time to waste.
Adriana: Another thing I would add, and we talked about this briefly, but I don’t think, as a whole, we talk a lot about it. Is the grief. So whether it’s grieving your eggs or an embryo or your fertility altogether, I think that’s so important. And, also Once you stop, or you pause and try to get your body, we talked about this earlier, but I don’t feel like, as a whole, we talk about it enough. How long does it take for your body to bounce back from the medications and stuff. And, if you’re in your forties, you may be in perimenopause.
Nisha: I think we talked a lot about being vulnerable, not having to put that mask on all the time. Not having to be that strong woman all the time. Being opening to talking about the emotional side of things and the feelings that this whole process creates. I think, you know, social media is one of those things where it’s like everything’s a lot of the time, it’s what you want the world to see, but it’s not necessarily what’s happening behind closed doors. And I think it’s important to show that and to talk about that more. This is really a great platform for it.
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Resources:
IVF over 40 Round Table Discussion Part I: https://over40fabulousandpregnant.com/episode80/
Over 40 Fabulous and Pregnant on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/over40fabulousandpregnant/
Sonia on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/donor.egg.mama.cheetah/
Nisha on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thevyasjosephs/
Adriana on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/delgadillo_a/
Sonia’s Pregnancy Story at 44: https://over40fabulousandpregnant.com/episode50/
Nisha’s Pregnancy Story at 43: https://over40fabulousandpregnant.com/episode56/
Pregnacare Vitamins: https://www.vitabiotics.com/pages/during-pregnancy-vitamins-pregnacare
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