On episode 59, Tanika was born and raised in Fresno, California. She currently lives in Manhattan, New York and is a project manager. She had her first daughter at 23 and is a single mother by choice. There was a burning desire in her heart to have another child. She felt like she was meant to shepherd another soul, so she looked up videos on YouTube. She found other single moms by choice and how they built their support system and what it entailed. At 46 years old, she decided to re-embark on motherhood on her own. She didn’t think she had a lot of time, so she wasn’t going to waste time looking for a partner. She told herself she only wanted to do this if she could use her own eggs. We will learn later that her heart wants what it wants and she ended up changing her mind.
Her employer offered fertility benefits, so she had to go through a “Center of Excellence.” She met with her first provider, but she ended up with three different reproductive endocrinologists. The first one she met with recommended starting with IUI. She had the initial consultation and followed with lots of tests. She found out what her antral follicle count was, the test that tells how many eggs are left in the reserves. All of her tests came back fine. Knowing what she knows now, she would have gone straight to IVF. Sure she had done a lot of research about being a single mom by choice, but hadn’t done a lot of research about reproductive endocrinology or assisted reproductive technology. In 2017, she did her first IUI with donor sperm but did not get pregnant.
Before switching providers, they refused to do an egg retrieval and told her she needed to go straight to using donor eggs. She felt like it was out of the blue. It felt like a rejection. A year later, she switched providers and decided on IVF. Her first egg retrieval was in November of 2018. The clinic wanted to test her to make sure the trigger shot had taken for her egg retrieval. It was the day after Thanksgiving. She remembers she had to get blood work done in downtown, but there was the Macy’s parade. Downtown was crazy. She only got one egg. They were hoping for seven, but they discussed before the retrieval that she might not get any. They wanted to know if she wanted to proceed with the egg retrieval. It was a hard conversation for her, but she did want to move forward with the egg retrieval. She had already paid for the meds and had gone through all of the psychological torment of injecting herself. They got one egg, transferred the embryo, but she ended up having miscarriage.
I’m going to become a mom, just in a different way than I thought.
She found another RE who was willing to let her try her own eggs. Even though it delayed the process, psychologically, that was helpful for her to accept what eventually came to be. Otherwise, she would have always had doubts. She quickly became a semi-expert on the reproductive and endocrinology system and the medicine behind it. She did not want to be ordered around. She did an egg retrieval with her third RE. This RE wanted the embryo to go to blastocyst and be tested with was his criteria for the egg retrieval. It went to blastocyst on day six, but then it arrested. In 2019, she went back to her second RE and said that she wanted to try donor eggs. She thought she would do a tandem. She wanted to use donor eggs and her eggs, so she would have a backup. In February of 2020, she left for California to be with her mother who got sick with cancer. She was back in New York in July of 2020, but it didn’t make sense to spend the money for two retrievals and two cycles with medication. Her heart wants what it wants. She is going to be a mother, just in a different way than she thought. It’s not the genetics that were important to her, but it was the soul she’s meant to shepherd. That’s when she decided she should just use donor eggs. She felt lucky her clinic facilitated the donor. It was important to her that the donor had a creative interest, but not necessarily had to have completed college. The woman she chose was 28 years old and had a really dark skin complexion. Much darker than herself, which concerned her. Her goal was ultimately having the child look like her. She was already a single mom by choice, and she didn’t want other children at school questioning who she was. She switched donors.
In early 2021, her donor had her egg retrieval. She was excited and asked for her stats as if it was her retrieval. Because her donor was only 28, Tanika decided to not have testing done on the embryos. The nurse gently guided her back to focus on the results which ended up being ten embryos. In February 2021 Tanika had her first transfer. Her home pregnancy test was positive. She was excited it worked! By the time she got to beta day, day nine post transfer, her HGC was one. A failed transfer. She felt so close. At 49 almost 50, she took a short break after her first transfer to look inside her uterus and found polyps, which she had removed. The next thing to test was the progesterone and check the timing. They decided the progesterone should be a day earlier when we go into the next cycle. Then she had three more transfers back-to-back. She vacationed in Hawaii for her 50th birthday, and the day after she returned home was her transfer.
They got to the fourth transfer and no HCG. Her insurance has an option for second opinions, so she sent all her medical records to a woman out of UC San Francisco to review them and speak with her RE. Her RE was not happy about this, but Tanika wanted the second opinion to look at her files objectively and see what else they could do. Tamika already had three miscarriages, so she wanted another opinion. She was diagnosed with recurrent implantation failure. The embryos haven’t been tested, but that would be the last resort. She said it was either the embryo or it’s the environment that it’s being transferred into. This is the information she received in the middle of her third transfer. They added a steroid, but it did not help. Then she went to the reproductive immunologist, and he ended up testing everything. He found a slight bit of inflammation in her uterus. They told her because of her age and all the other things happening, it’s enough to affect the embryo from implanting properly. She was prescribed Plaquenil, which is hydroxychloroquine, to reduce the inflammation. The next cycle was canceled because she ovulated.
She was given Lupron to suppress for the next cycle. After her transfer she began to spot which panicked her, so she called the doctor. The doctor said that was probably a good sign the embryo was implanted and asked her not to stress. She promised herself not to test because it got her hopes up the last time. She talked herself into testing the day before the blood work, and it was positive. From that day on, she became a pee-on-a-stick addict, but she watched them get darker and darker. She just knew this was her take-home baby. She could have done cartwheels. It was amazing and scary at the same time. The few people she told continued to ask her how she was feeling, which made her feel anxious. She had her anatomy scan at 18 weeks. At 24 weeks, she had more relief. After so much loss, it never felt real. She felt afraid to get excited, but she pushed through. She had her baby shower and went to California and celebrated with her family. She went to term. She didn’t get high blood pressure or gestational diabetes. She has one kidney because in 2006, she gave her sister her other. Preeclampsia could be deadly, so they monitored her closely. This pregnancy was not like the first one at 23. Everyone thought she was ruining her life at 23. At 52, everyone was celebrating and was excited about the baby. They also knew what she had gone through trying to have this baby. She has lots of support. Back then, she had youth on her side. Now, she eats well, she is resting well, continues yoga and acupuncture. She felt energized and excited to be pregnant. She embraced it all. There was just this tiny voice that said,” Just don’t get too excited yet.” She didn’t know the gender and didn’t want the test because she felt it would cause her more anxiety. She didn’t want to know the gender because she needed a surprise at the end of it all.
She had cravings like crazy. She needed lots of sour everything, like lemon milkshakes. She loved thick chocolate milkshakes. And, of course, the cliché pickle craving. They are nice and sour. She was really bummed because she couldn’t have sushi and carbonara because raw eggs are used. She had a strong dislike for wine. They let her continue coffee, but she had to limit her intake.
I felt healthier in this pregnancy in my 50’s than I did in the one in my 20’s.
She had no memory of what she did during labor at 23, other than breathing, so She took a childbirth class at the hospital where she was giving birth. Her sister came from California to be her birth partner, but she also hired a doula. She was prepared for a natural birth, but at the end of the day, her goal was a take-home baby. She continued with her yoga until the third trimester. She also reduced using the treadmill and did a lot of walking with leg stretches.
The night before she was scheduled to be induced, she and her sister had a big meal. Her bags were already packed, so at 39 weeks, on May 31st, she went to the hospital in the evening. The hospital was having an emergency, so she ended up in the waiting room for quite a while before they took her to her room. They started off with a cervical ripener to soften her cervix. She got to three centimeters and then they put a balloon into the opening of the cervix with a tube attached and filled it with saline. It was very painful. She was crawling away from the practitioner. That’s when she began to think she couldn’t make it through a natural birth. She got to four centimeters but did not progress after that. They added Pitocin, but she still didn’t get passed four centimeters. She asked for an epidural because she had an idea, she was going to have a c-section. That meant that my doula can’t come in. She asked him if he could put the epidural in and not give her any meds. He said no. Her mobility was going to be limited and she was going to be bed-bound. She asked to give her a little of the epidural. After waiting two hours, he put it in. She wasn’t able to feel her legs but could feel to push. At one point, she tried to get up and the Doula kept her from trying to walk. They broke her water after the Foley, so there’s a time clock once your water is broken because of the risk of infection. She had 24 hours. Her time was running out and it was getting close to the night shift. She decided it was time for the c-section. They did an ultrasound to confirm the baby’s position and they confirmed they didn’t think he was going to come down. She asked if they could use the same incision of her kidney, but they said it was too low. Her sister went back to her apartment to rest, so she didn’t make it back in time. She had to pack up her room, but she couldn’t move. Her doula helped her pack everything up. Within 30 minutes, she was in the delivery room with her doula. They lifted the baby up over the screen and the surgeon asked who was going to call the gender? She was in tears and couldn’t speak. She was able to squeak out the words: Boy! She told them to do something with him. The doula cut the cord. They placed her son on her cheek, but he wasn’t crying or screaming or anything. She couldn’t nurse until she got to the recovery room. They were sewing her up and the nurse was holding the baby on her. She was a little panicky. Her heart was racing uncontrollably. She could only feel her head and her shoulders. She asked the doula to put her hand on her shoulder to help ground her. She couldn’t feel anything else. She was praying and doing Hail Mary’s and just tried to breathe through it. She was just trying to stay focused, but excited to meet her son.
She wondered if they would have a connection, but it was seamless. She felt the bond more and more. Breastfeeding was a struggle in the beginning. It was a real struggle. Her milk came in while she was in the hospital. One of the pediatricians was concerned about his weight, which made her stress about it, which affected her milk production. Once they got home, it was better, but he did lose weight. They walked to the pediatrician’s office every other day for weight checks and worked with a lactation consultant. She had to do power pumping, which she hopes nobody ever has to go through that. Tanika wasn’t allowed to leave until she fed him some formula. She had to get the social worker involved. She got a breast massager, so that helped with letting the milk down. It took a while, but he was growing.
She describes her recovery as interesting. She was up and walking the night of her c-section, but it hurt. She felt semi-prepared for it because she thinks it’s similar to having her kidney removed. She believes yoga helped her with her recovery. She was on a pain med schedule. If they weren’t there on time, she was hitting that button. Because she only has one kidney, she can’t have ibuprofen. She made herself get up and push the bassinet up and down the hall. The doula came to do the postpartum and helped doing the laundry and the dishes so she wouldn’t stress herself out. She highly recommends having someone come in to do the meals. She did that for two months and thought it was very helpful and stress-free.
Today, her son is four months old. She feels like they are finally in a rhythm. He is in his fourth month and doing some sleep-training. She hasn’t gone back to work yet, so she is trying to de-clutter and get organized. She does see a therapist and a psychiatric nurse that orders her Zoloft. Mentally, she is doing great. She is already thinking that maybe she should have another one? The doctor said to wait until the baby is nine months.
Tanika feels lucky to have six-month maternity leave, but she’s already getting anxious with childcare in January. She wants to start off with a few days a week in daycare and a few days with someone at home with him. Her office building also has childcare in the basement so she can pop in and see him.
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Episode 59 Transcript:
Jamie: Tanika, welcome to the show.
Tanika: Hi. Thanks for having me.
Jamie: And today we are sharing her pregnancy story at 52, so amazing. So you had your daughter at 23. What in your single mom By choice.
Tanika: Yes.
Jamie: Which I think is so amazing to your story. Tell us how that got started again. Like what sparked it?
Tanika: So when I decided to Reem embark on motherhood, I was 46 years old. Mm-hmm. I was single already, and I obviously knew I did not have a lot of time, so I wasn’t gonna waste time looking for a partner.
There was something, a burning desire in my heart to have another child. I feel I had a feeling like I was meant to shepherd another soul earth side. And so I just, I looked up videos on YouTube. I found other single moms by choice and sort of like how they built their support system and all, you know what it entailed exactly. And I decided to go for it.
Jamie: Awesome. And take us through, like, how did you find your medical provider? How did you start off that process?
Tanika: Yes. So my employer offers fertility benefits and we have to go through what is called center of Excellence or COE. So I started there of getting the list of what providers would be included. I met with my first provider. I ended up with three different reproductive endocrinologists, by the way. Wow. But the very first one I met with recommended we start with IUI. And so we. I tried that at first. You have to get, you know, when you go, you have that initial consultation and then there’s tons of tests of like, you know, mm-hmm.
What is your antral follicle count and what is your a MH like? Which is basically meant to, to tell what you have left in the reserves, right? Mm-hmm. And so doing all of those tests and that blood work and everything came back fine. And so that’s how we went the route of IUI. However, I mean, I was 46 at that time. Knowing what I know now, I would’ve gone straight to IVF. I, I didn’t know, like I had done a lot of research about being a single mom by choice, but I hadn’t necessarily done a lot of research about reproductive endocrinology or the assisted reproductive technology. Right. And so my, if I could go back and tell my 46-year-old self, I would be like, go straight to IVF. But so we did the I UIs, I did it with donor sperm did not get pregnant. And so that was 2017.
By the end of 2018, I had switched providers and I was off to the races with IVF. I had my first egg retrieval in, oh my God. November. Yeah, it was November. It was actually Thanksgiving the day after Thanksgiving. ‘Cause I remember I had to do blood work and getting downtown there was on Thanksgiving Day was the Macy’s Day parade. And so it was like crazy. My gosh. So, yeah, it was like, oh my God. So they wanted to test my HCG to make sure the trigger shot had taken. Mm-hmm. So I had to go down there for the test.
That Thursday and then Friday I had my retrieval. Mm-hmm. I only got one egg. They were hoping for like seven, but they had a, like a come to Jesus meeting with me before saying it. You may get none. Do you still wanna go forward? And I, I did want to go forward. I’d already, you know, paid for the meds, gone through all of the psychological torment of injecting myself. And I was like, let’s, let’s just go for it. So I did get the one and we ended up, it fertilized, it took, and then I ended up having a miscarriage.
Jamie: Mm. Yeah. See we, when we did our egg retrieval, I only got one egg and it never even went to an embryo. Mm. So, ugh. I’m like, because all you need is one and Right. I’ve heard other doctors say that they won’t even do the egg retrieval, but I’m really glad that your doctor actually talked to you to see if you wanted to proceed with it.
Tanika: Yeah. Yeah. That was, it was. A hard conversation, but you know, they were like, you, you can try. And so I did. At least they were willing to, because I understand what you’re saying. Like some doctors won’t, I mean, some doctors won’t even let because at that point, I think I was 49, 40, I can’t remember now. 48. Yeah. Some doctors won’t even let you try. Like the clinic before when I decided to go to IVF, which is why I left the re, was like, absolutely not. I’m not going to do a retrieval with your own eggs. You need to go straight to donor eggs, which is a hard conversation. Yeah. Like that is not an easy conversation. Right. And so especially, it just felt like it was out of the blue. I think a better approach is to say you are gonna become a mom just not in the way you originally thought you were going to be. Mm-hmm. Right. Because somehow I felt it as a rejection when she told me like, like, you have to go to donor eggs. I’m not gonna use your eggs. Like. A part of me was bad.
Jamie: Yeah.
Tanika: And so, and it was just like a huge leap to go to at that point in my mind, to go to donor eggs. Eventually I did. And I’m holding my four month old now. But that was a journey. And I had said before, like, that’s my cutoff. If I can’t do it with my own eggs, I’m not going to do it. That was my original stance, right?
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: But as time goes on, your heart wants what it wants. And it’s, that’s when I was like, I’m gonna become a mom just in a different way than I thought. But it’s the soul that I’m meant to shepherd. So it doesn’t, like the genetics don’t matter, right? Mm-hmm. Like there’s a bit of epigenetics, but obviously I know it’s still not my genetics, but I got to inform like how his genes would be expressed while he was in utero. Right? So that’s a good thing. I mean, and not that it’s an end all, be all. ‘Cause I understand some women have surrogates and so they don’t have that benefit of their own epigenetics, but they still get to be a mom. Right. Just not, maybe not how they thought about it when they were a little girl. Mm-hmm.
And so that was. That’s a hard, hard, hard conversation. And the way this re approached it was just like, very matter of fact, like, that’s how you’re gonna get your baby. Like, that’s it. And so I left and went to another re who was willing to let me try. And I think even though it delayed the process psychologically, that was helpful for me to accept what eventually came to be because I, I feel otherwise I would’ve always had a doubt.
Jamie: Yeah. And you advocated for yourself, which is I think, so important.
Tanika: Yes. Yes. I mean, I quickly, I quickly became a semi expert on like the reproductive system and endocrinology and the the medicine behind it because I wanted to have a conversation. I didn’t wanna just be dictated to. So that was also a lesson with that first. So I would just recommend for anybody, like, do your research, understand like what, what you are up against really. ‘Cause it can be a battle. Like I didn’t understand why they called it a journey at first. So it’s, it’s a journey. I’ve, I’ve got the, the mileage to prove it.
Jamie: Definitely. Okay, so where, where are we? Have you gone to don your eggs in this process yet?
Tanika: Not then. So I was preparing for, so I did one more retrieval at a totally different re that was at my third re of my own egg.
This re wanted it the the embryo to go to Blasis and to be tested. Right? That was his criteria. So the, it ended up, it went to Blasis. It was a day six, but then it arrested. Oh, so it was game over. Right. And so now I had used another retrieval for my insurance. And the insurance was only gonna cover two.
And so that didn’t take, so I went back to my second re The only reason I went to that one was because they were touting themselves as like an expert for, you know, the advanced maternal age woman to have IVF with her own egg. And so that’s why I went. So I immediately ran back to my other re and said I want to try donor eggs.
At that point I thought, oh, I’ll do a tandem, right? I will do it and I’ll have a donor do it that way. I have a backup. In case. That was the end of 2019. Well then 2020, my mom got sick with cancer. My mom’s in California. My sister needed help with her. So I went out there. I worked from California. This was before the pandemic had really hit, I mean, we knew it was coming ’cause it had been like overseas and whatnot.
But this, I left like February 11th I went to California. So. Then the pandemic hit and there was no like the re pla, the reproductive endocrinology was not considered essential if people weren’t already in a cycle. So I communicated with them. Long distance and set up plans for it. I came back to New York in July of 2020.
And at that point I was like, does it make sense to spend the money for two retrievals and two and cycles with medication? Right? Because I need to take it and the donor would need to take it. So that’s when I decided it, I should just do the donor. So I went through that process. I was lucky enough that my clinic actually facilitated finding the donor, which was amazing.
Mm-hmm. So I gave them a list of, you know, what attributes I was looking for. They explained to me and they were like, so nice. The whole program. Like they really held my hand, like the more criteria you have. More narrowed down, your options will be right. Mm-hmm. So I decided on my focus was like, I wanted someone who had some sort of creative interest.
They did not have to have completed college. That wasn’t a criteria. I’ve talked to a lot of women who are like, no, they have to have a college degree. Like they can have it later, right? Because the woman that I ended up choosing was 28. I did not have my college degree at 28. I didn’t get it until I was 31. So I was like, it doesn’t mean that person is not intelligent because they had, there are other circumstances, right? Especially with women of color, of why they may not have a degree.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: So I went with that and then it ended up being, this is gonna sound really weird, but the woman was really the woman that I really liked was dark, was very like melanated, much more melanated than me. So I was concerned because ultimately I wanted the child to look like me. Like I’m already mom by choice. I don’t want them to go to school and they’ll be like, who’s that old lady? Is that like your grandma? Is that your nanny? You know, there’s like a whole bunch of, things that it could have been other than me being the mom. And so I wanted him to look or them, because I didn’t know it was gonna be a boy at that point to look like me. So I switched donors at that point. And it, it actually, it sounds crazy. It worked though. Like I took him home to California. We took a bunch of pictures and everyone’s like, oh my God, he looks like you and your family. Not that that’s, you know, some people, it doesn’t always matter. I don’t wanna sound shallow. Like I’ve seen people who’ve done like donor embryos of different races. I just figured it would be an extra stigma because I’m already a single mom by choice. So I wanted to be aware of like what environment he would be walking into, or she would be walking. I keep saying he, ’cause I know now that I have a boy. But so I went through all of that. We, you know, you talk to a geneticist, they look at the, the genetic profile or the, I don’t, I’m not calling it the right thing, but they take, they look at all of their, I don’t know, I’m drawing a blank. Sorry. Mom right now, genes. And so like what they could potentially have oh, one second, he’s lost a boob. They look at all of the op, you know, if there could be anything, like for example, me, I am carrier for sickle cell anemia. So they would eliminate, I mean obviously that was a concern when we were using my eggs, but say if the donor had, had the egg donor had had that, they would want the sperm donor to not have that, right?
Mm-hmm. So they make sure it’s compatible. They talk about if there’s a risk of anything, what the percentages are, and you go, you know, and then. It gets signed off on. You also have to talk to a therapist, a psychologist, or I think it might have been a psychologist that I spoke with. She was amazing. But just talking about like how I would tell the child and what those things were.
From the research that I’ve done, it’s always best to tell them as early as possible. Mm-hmm. That’s age appropriate. Right. More studies have, have been done for adopted children than donor created children, but it’s a similar sort of circumstance. Mm-hmm. And so studies have shown, like the later you tell them, the more resentful they can be. Like they feel like they’ve been lied to. Right. I don’t know if you guys have seen the recent, like the Carrie Washington finding out her mother used a sperm donor and she was upset about it at first. Right. And her mother may have never told her. I think she said she had had a note in a safety deposit box that she was gonna tell that it would be left to Carrie after her mom had passed away. I’m sure there was a lot of shame associated with it. So. I, you have that conversation of like, how are you gonna tell them and how are you gonna navigate it? Are you like, I’ve just been open with it. I’ve got a YouTube channel. I talk about it on Instagram, I talk about it with my family. Like, I just wanted to normalize it before the child ever got here. And it, everyone was, some people don’t actually understand that it’s not your genetics, but that’s a whole other story. But I just didn’t want it to be a secret because I think shame can come from that. And I didn’t want it to be like the drunk uncle at the Christmas party who was like, oh, your mom is not, you know what? So it’s this. I don’t know if anybody else has a drunk uncle, but, you know, I just didn’t want it to be a secret.
Then we went through the process. I had my first transfer with the donor egg embryo February of 2021. Got a positive pregnancy test at home. Was super excited. It had worked. I’m getting my take home baby. By the time I got to beta day, my HCG was one. So that was a no go. But I was like you know, it must’ve been, I just made up a million stories. Like, I’m so close, I’m so close. So straight away I went into another cycle four cycles later, all negative. So then I’m really sad, right? Because everyone, everyone and their mom was like, oh, you just need a donor egg. That’s the ticket. It’s your eggs, and you know, you’ll have a take home baby as soon as you do that. Now what’s the story?
Jamie: You had four cycles back to back. Or. Transfers back to back?
Tanika: One we skipped because after the first failure, they decided to do the endometrium, receptivity array, the ERA to see if maybe my progesterone timing was off. So I had a break after that first one. I, I just remembered that. And then, because it was February, my next one wasn’t until March. And I was testing like the week after Easter of that year.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. And how old were you?
Tanika: At that point I was 49 ’cause I, my birthday’s in May and so I was just about to turn 50. Mm-hmm. And I went to Hawaii for my 50th birthday. We did a Hawaii five oh party and I was injecting progesterone there. I came back the day after I returned back from Hawaii, wasn’t my transfer, it was cra I don’t recommend. It was crazy. Yeah. Because like, what if my flight, you know, it’s a long way. What if I, it was so many things, but I was just like, I’m, I’m gonna live my life. But yeah. So we found out my progesterone timing was off. So we started it earlier and then we did another cycle.
Jamie: Going back to your progesterone. What were the clues that made them believe that it was off?
Tanika: We had tested everything else going into that. Right. Like prior in my prep work we had done, oh, I can’t even remember what it’s called, but they put me under anesthesia and looked inside of my uterus and they’d found polyps. So we had removed, I had the polyps removed, so we had like a good receptive uterus. Everything else seemed right leading up to that. And so the next thing was to test the progesterone and see like maybe the timing is off. Maybe we were too early or too late. And that’s why, especially because I had had the positive, right? So we knew there was some form of implantation that the HCG started to release, right? Mm-hmm. The what is it? Human chorionic, genotropin, the indicator of pregnancy. So there’s something that had happened, and so they thought, well, maybe the timing was off.
Jamie: Okay.
Tanika: So after we did that, we found out that I needed it a day early. Okay. And so we went into the next cycle. That was the one that we did in March. And it was not, oh, I skipped over the whole thing of like the donor egg retrieval, though. We did that in early 2021. That was exciting too.
And it was oh my God. I was like team too much. I was asking like for all her stats as if it was my own egg retrieval. And then the nurse had to like gently. Walk me back, like, we’re not gonna go into all of that. Like, we’re gonna look focus on the results. Right. Does it like, even if her like levels are this or that, or blah, blah blah, blah.
She was like, well, let’s just focus ’cause I’m an anxious person. And honestly, that probably would’ve ramped my anxiety up more. So I was glad that she talked me back. But we ended up, after all was said and done with 10 embryos on ice. Like after it was all, and I did not test. I know a lot of people were like, you know, you should blah, blah, blah.
But at that point I was like, I have a 28-year-old donor. I’m not, I just am not going to. And I mean that’s a whole other issue, but they are testing like the outside what ultimately becomes as a placenta. I just had a lot of issues with it. So I didn’t test. And also when I finally got pregnant, I did not do the N-I-P-T-I test for, you know, abnormalities.
Mm-hmm. Because I was, and I talked it over with the MFM. I was just like, I’m not gonna take action if there, if it comes back as a, because it’s not definitive, right? It’s predictive testing. Mm-hmm. So anyway, I just wanted to go back and say that I got the, the 10 embryos on ice.
So fast forward to the third. Didn’t work. Nothing like no sign of HCG went right into the fourth. And then after the fourth, that’s when I was like, we’ve gotta try something different. People always ask, did they tell you why it didn’t work? That’s not really a thing, right? They can’t tell you why it didn’t work. First of all, they’d be open to a lawsuit. ‘Cause if you knew that’s why it didn’t work, why didn’t you stop it ahead of time? But it’s not that cut and dry either, right? There’s so many variables of like, why you don’t get a positive. And they tell you going in like, what’s your chance of success? Right? Is it 80%? It’s never a hundred percent.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: Right? And so there’s no telling you why it didn’t work. You can try other things and try to tweak it at that point. My employer also pays for second opinion. So I went through this company called Grand Rounds, and I sent, it was a woman out at uc, San Francisco. I had to send all of my medical records. And then she talked to my re My re was a little put off by it, but I was like, it’s just let’s, let’s all of us put our collective minds together. Let this person objectively just look at the files, you know, and see what she thinks. And so she at. Because at that point, that was the, the chemical was my third miscarriage. Because I miscarried in 2018 and I miscarried in 2017 as well, like early 2017 or mid 20 when I started the journey. But, so she diagnosed me with recurrent implantation failure and then she also said, well, you haven’t tested your, the embryo, so that’s a possibility. But then that would mean thawing testing thawing. And so she said, that should be like the a last resort. So those were the things that she came back with. And she said it’s either the embryo or it’s the environment that it’s being transferred into, right? There’s something that’s not making it receptive.
And so after the fourth failure and that information came in while I was in the middle of my fourth transfer, so it wasn’t enough like or I’m sorry, in the middle of my third. So what we did is, we added a, oh God, what is it called? Like I can’t even anti steroid or a steroid. We added that to see if that would help. Right? My re added that, that did not help.
So then I went to the reproductive immunologist, which cost quite a bit of money, so they took a test of everything. I had lots of blood work. I can’t even remember. I had two different tests and there’s some tests that they can’t do in New York. So I had to go to New Jersey to get the test done and it was like a whole to do. But basically there was inflammation in my uterus and it was like slight, it wasn’t high, but they were saying because of your age and because of all these other things, it’s enough to tip you where it’s not, where the embryo is not embedding properly.
So I went on a bunch of meds. They recommended IV IG. It took a long time to get that approved by insurance by the time it got approved because it involves someone coming to your house and you have to spend like two, three hours at a time getting these IVs administered. I didn’t have the time at that point, so we went with plaque now, which is hydroxychloroquine. People may know that from mm-hmm. The virus. But, so that was to tamp down the inflammation. I also took another, I wanna say it was, I can’t even, I’m drawing a blank on the name. It starts with an HI, but a bunch of medications I took Lovenox in in the beginning and then the cycle that ended up working. There was one right before that that didn’t, we didn’t finish that cycle because I ovulated through the medication. So when I went in for my check, my progesterone was already spiked. And so my doctor said, you’ve already ovulated, like, so it was
Jamie: canceled,
Tanika: right? We canceled that one and then they added Lupron to suppress me going into the next cycle. And so we had the Lupron, we had the immunology protocol, and that ended up being the positive. And I started, I was like, my doctor loves me so much. I started spotting. And so I was freaking out. So I called her and, I actually, I sent her an email and she called me back. It was like 11 o’clock at night and she was like.
This is probably a good sign. Like don’t freak out. Like this is probably implantation bleeding. And so, you know, don’t freak out is easier said than done when you’ve done right this journey. So I had vowed not to test because of what happened before where I got the positive. So I was like, I just wanna know the end. But of course at that point like come midnight, I was like, it’s the next day technically I’m gonna go ahead and start testing. And I got a positive. And so at that point, you know, in four, a penny in four a pound, I became A-P-O-A-P pee on a stick addict and started testing like crazy and they were all getting darker, you know, had the first response. And I’m, even though everyone’s like the doc, the medical community says that’s not a thing of it getting darker. They’re like, either you’re pregnant or you’re not. I was still like diligently. And so every day I did it until my beta, ’cause I was like, I just wanna know if it drops or whatever. And I got, I had a really big first beta, so I felt like that was a sign, like, this is it.
Your take home baby is coming.
Jamie: That’s awesome. How did it feel?
Tanika: Ah, it felt surreal. It really did. I, like, I could have done cartwheels. It was it was amazing, but it was also scary, right? Having had the miscarriage before there was a lot, a lot going on. And then I had shared it with a few people and the people that I shared it with kept asking, how are you feeling?
How are you feeling? And then that was making me anxious. I was like, please stop te please stop asking me that. I’ll let you know if, you know, if I’m not feeling okay. I don’t think until probably I had my anatomy scan at 18 weeks. That’s when I started feeling like, this is really gonna happen. And then at 24 weeks we got to viability. It’s like, okay. You know? But it’s like even then, until you have the baby in your arms, like after miscarriages and every, and like the whole journey, it doesn’t really feel real.
Like I almost was like afraid to be, excited, but I pushed through it. Like I had a baby shower. I went to California. I celebrated with my family, was showered with so much love. It was amazing. And then, yeah, I went a full term because that was another thing I know a lot of of us advanced maternal age moms, like they gave you time of like, you have to deliver it 37 weeks, but the pregnancy was seamless. Like I didn’t end up with high blood pressure. I didn’t get gestational, gestational diabetes. Like it was really fine. The one part that was challenging for me of why in addition to my age I have one kidney. I gave my sister a kidney in 2006. And so if something happens, like if you go into preeclampsia, like you’re, you, there’s protein in your urine, your kidney, like for me that could be deadly because I’ve only got the one, I don’t have a anything to balance it out. So they watched that pretty closely and it was really fine until after delivery.
Jamie: Going back to your pregnancy mm-hmm. How does this compare to your pregnancy whenever you were 23?
Tanika: It was, for the most part, more relaxed. Even though that sounds weird ’cause I didn’t know about like, loss and everything else, but at 23 there was, frankly, there was a lot of judgment around and people were like, you might be ruining your life. And so there was, I had a lot I felt to prove at that point where this time I didn’t like everybody was celebrating it and was excited ’cause they’d known like what I had gone through. So from that perspective, it felt good.
Physically and also in the first pregnancy, I had intrauterine growth restriction. IUGR. I didn’t have any of this this time. Right. I mean. I had youth on my side at that point, but I mean, I’m in a different, like, socioeconomic status at this point. Mm-hmm. So I was eating well, I was resting well, I was continuing my yoga, I was going to acupuncture. Like it was all good. I felt good. I felt energized. I was like really excited to be pregnant. I was really like, I just loved my pregnant body. Like I embraced all of that. Talked to my baby all the time. So that part felt good. You know, it was just really tamping down the anxiety, like the quiet little thing, the little voice in my head that’s like, don’t get too excited, you know? Mm-hmm. But other than that, it was, it was really, it was grand.
Jamie: And so did you find out the gender whenever you did the non-invasive test?
Tanika: I didn’t do the non-invasive test. Oh, you did it. Sorry. I did not, I decided not to One because it is. It’s called a test, but it’s really not. It gives you like indicators of it and like percentages of it.
So to make it conclusive, you either have to do the what is it, the chorionic, I can’t remember you. What is it? Where they go into your, they. Inject a large needle into your uterus and take out the fluid. There’s two tests, but they risk miscarriage, which, and I wasn’t going to do that. Mm-hmm. And the results of the test are either gonna tell you yes, something is wrong and you have a decision, or nothing is wrong.
Right. But if something is wrong, you have the decision to terminate or not. And I knew I was not willing to terminate, so I didn’t take the test and I’m like diagnosed. I have a dis an anxiety disorder, which my MFM was great. She let me keep my Zoloft the whole time. And I did not have like a regular OB GYNI just went, I just had the maternal fetal medicine who obviously is an ob as well.
But, so I didn’t have like to run around to two doctors and sort of fair information between the two. But we, I stayed on my Zoloft, I started off at 50 milligrams, which was my regular dose, and then I went up to a hundred milligrams as my, as I got bigger. Right. And the blood flow increased just to help keep me even.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: But I felt like having that test was gonna create more anxiety than it could have come back fine. But if it didn’t come back fine there, I knew I was not gonna take action to stop the pregnancy. Mm-hmm. And so I just did not wanna have that in my head. So I didn’t know the gender, I didn’t find out the gender at the anatomy.
I didn’t know until birth. And they ask you at the anatomy scan, like, do you know the gender? Do you wanna know the gender? So everybody was great. So through all my ultrasounds, I had to say ahead of time. I don’t know the gender, I don’t wanna know the gender. So they would just tell me like, look away or close your eyes. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, when they were checking the bits. And yeah. Yeah. I didn’t wanna know. I wanted, I needed a surprise at the end of it all.
Jamie: I like it. And was there any products or anything that helped you through pregnancy that you could recommend?
Tanika: Ooh, let’s see. I. I’ve gotta think about that one. There’s a, I used a lot of products. I didn’t worry about stretch marks ’cause I didn’t have them at the, in my first pregnancy. Luckily I had no nausea. I took the, well, I had, I didn’t have, let me take that back. I wasn’t like vomiting. I’ll say that. Mm-hmm. There’s some moments where I felt queasy.
So I had like the little prey pops, the little, the, not the ones on the stick, not the lollipop, but the like lozenges, lemon, I craved like crazy. So anything that was like tart I had I don’t think I used, I mean. So I am a woman who wears a thong. So I was on the hunt for the best maternity thong so that I explored with a lot which is hilarious. Have them now. I’m like, ’cause I’m not sure if I wanna have one more. I’m decluttering as you know, but I’m not sure if I wanna have more and more. I kind of wanna save some of them. So that was huge. Bra hunting was huge, so like kindred braverly was helpful for that because my boobs, like, I’m already like a large chest. They just were ginormous. And so trying to find comfort there. I worked into, my first day of leave was the day before my induction, so I worked all the way through the pregnancy. So pee in a pod was clutch in outfits for work. I loved, loved, loved the clothes ’cause I didn’t wanna feel frumpy.
Like my first pregnancy. I kind of just wore oversized clothing. Mm-hmm. Obviously I have a very different job now. I have a very corporate job, so I had to get like. Proper maternity clothes. And so that was good. And it made me feel good too. It just, I, I don’t know how to explain it. Like I got up and got dressed every day, put on my makeup, put on my, I just felt like really womanly, as weird as that sounds like. I just was, I loved it. I loved being pregnant. I definitely had a, I have a lot of Converse platform. Converse. I recommend like flat shoes, not heels. I did heels. We had an award ceremony at work and I had to present and I wore a little kitten heels. And then as soon as I was done presenting, I put my other shoes back on. I know some women like wore their large, you know, five inch. That was not for me. I needed it to be comfortable. I’m trying to think what else. Belly bands helped. Pregnancy pillow. Oh my god, I loved that. I had it in, I ended up having a C-section, so I kept the pregnancy pillow probably for another month after I got back from the hospital. Yeah, it was. I think whatever makes you comfortable, do you know, and like, try different things for oils and stuff.
Before, as part of my fertility journey, I got rid of like anything that had phthalates in it or anything that restricted fertility. So I was like, the home was already pretty clean in that respect. And so I looked for like organic belly butter, not for stretch marks, but massaging. It felt good, massaging my stomach. It got really tight. I have a very, any. Belly button, and it didn’t completely go out, but it stretched like crazy. And once upon a time, I had a belly ring it. I haven’t worn it in forever, but the piercing was still there. That was hurting like crazy. So I bought these little colloidal patches that kept it moist so it wasn’t itchy and hurting, because that’s very distracting to be like in a meeting scratching your belly button, you know, like, not cool. So just whatever, like made me comfortable. And a lot of people were like, don’t spend money on maternity, you’re not gonna be pregnant that long. And, but, and I was just like, I wanna be comfortable. Like, this is what I, I’ve waited for this, I’ve dreamed for this. I wanna be comfortable. I live in New York, they’re very, like, distinct seasons, and so I needed sweaters and like sweater dresses, and so I, I just went for it. And I didn’t, I mean, I, granted I have a, a clutter problem, so I, I’m not recommending anyone do that. But for me, that’s what felt right. Yeah, be comfortable. Like, especially in the trying to conceive community, we’ve worked very, very hard. Like give yourself grace, celebrate, make it easy on yourself. Like don’t, don’t take one for the team. Do what feels good.
Jamie: And how did you repair for birth and baby?
Tanika: I took a class, so I the hospital that I delivered at offered childbirth classes and I took that class. I did, I had no memory of like what I did before other than breathing. And I hired a doula, right. My sister came out from California to be my birth partner, but I hired a doula. We had several meetings virtually, and then she came in person prior to my birth came into my home and so.
That was really like, I used a yoga ball. I was all prepared for a natural birth, but at the end of the day, my goal was a take home baby. So it wasn’t like the first time I had a natural birth and I pushed all the way through. I didn’t need that rite of passage. Like the most important thing was healthy, happy baby that gets earth side.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: I continued my yoga. So if you’re exercising before you’re pregnant, you can continue that exercise. I mean, check with your provider. This is what was told to me. You can continue that exercise. Mm-hmm. And so I did continue it until the third trimester. At that point I was diagnosed with oh my God, what is it? I had a lot of fluid in my a lot of amniotic fluid.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: I can’t think of the name of it.
So it made it difficult to breathe. Right. Because I was really, it was. Just a lot of belly at that point. So I reduced my yoga and I stopped like doing the treadmill. But I walk, I mean, I live in New York, so I’ve gotta walk to the subway and back. But they encourage you to do a lot of walking. I did a lot of leg stretches and I wish I would’ve done more sit-ups, but I, I can do them now that, that ended up being a whole other thing.
Like those ab muscles in the weight work on your ab muscles, like there are things to do and also in the weight, do research there. The world has so many things like baby lead weaning and all of that. Like, I wish I would’ve gotten a jump on that. I’m catching up quickly. I’m a fast learner. But in the way, like find those things to do, I would recommend, you know read up on.
Beyond when the baby gets here. ’cause I did a lot of like what preparing for childbirth would be like, and like the immediate time after birth, but not further along. So now I’ve been studying like, you know, what things to talk to baby about and like exercises to do and like, we have a blast doing it.
And I’m fortunate enough to have six months off after delivery.
Jamie: Nice.
Tanika: I’m, I’m now getting like, anxiety about the childcare. Like, I found a place, but I think I’m not gonna start him until January, like full time. I’m gonna do a couple days at home with someone and then a couple days in the daycare, just so it’s not shocking to him.
It may be fine. I may be overthinking it, but I’m just like. I got puppies. I got puppies in the middle of the pandemic when I had to go to work, and I was dropping them off at daycare. They freaked out like the first week. So I’m assuming like we’re all sentient beings, I’m assuming it might be a little stressful for him.
So at least if he’s home a couple days a week and there’s a provider that comes into the home that’s less of a shock and then sort of acclimate him into the daycare by having oh my God, just not full time, like five days. And I’m taking him, there’s a backup daycare in my office in the building that I work. And so I’m gonna take him down. It’s in the basement. And so take him there so I can pop in and visit him. I’m going back the week of Thanksgiving, so he’ll only have three days. Mm-hmm. And then we’ll have four days together again to sort of recoup. I just, I’m trying to like predict what might go wrong, so to make it easier for him and for me.
Jamie: Sure. And what about cravings? Did you have any during pregnancy?
Tanika: Lots of sour, everything. Lemon milkshakes, which I’m still drinking. A lot of milkshakes. I just loved like thick chocolate milkshakes. Mm-hmm. What other cravings that I have pickles like that was so stereotypical.
I loved pickle. They’re nice and sour. I’m trying to think. I think those were like my primary, I was bummed that I couldn’t have like sushi, I couldn’t have carbonara because it’s like raw eggs is in are in there. I love my o eggs over medium, like all of those things. And so get your feel of those while, while you can get your feel of all of the sushi, all of the medium rare steaks, all of that. ‘Cause you will not have it for nine months. Luckily I had no alcohol cravings like I had. During my transfer, I, I got a strong dislike for wine and so that was easy. Coffee though my MFM let me continue my coffee, which was great, but I had to limit it to like 180. Most people say 200 milligrams if you’re gonna have it. She wanted it at 180 because that can contribute to intrauterine growth restriction. And because I had the history of it, but that was a lifesaver. ’cause some people told me like their OB was like, absolutely not. And so mine was very gracious and very, like, gave me a lot of grace, which was greatly appreciated.
Jamie: Yeah. So when were you scheduled for your in induction? You said 36.
Tanika: No, 39. I was 39. Oh, okay. Yeah. I went out on May 31st. Mm-hmm. And my due date was June 3rd, so I ended up delivering him that Friday. So I was 39 weeks and five days. I was one day shy of the mm-hmm. Or six days. I was one day shy of, of, of full 40.
Jamie: Well, take us back to that day that you went to the hospital.
Tanika: Yeah, so I went in, in the evening. My sister, like I said, was here from California, so we had like a big meal. The doctor warned me that I wasn’t gonna like the hospital food. So we had a big meal. I had my bags already packed, showed up at the hospital that night. They were having some emergency, so I ended up in the waiting room for quite a bit. But they finally got me into a room. They started off with a cervical ripener I’m gonna forget the name, but basically a tablet they put on my cervix to soften it.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: We started off with that. I got to three centimeters. And then they put a Foley catheter in the, so there’s like a balloon that they put into your mm-hmm. The opening of your cervix and then they fill it with saline hurt like the dickens, like, oh my God. I was like on the bed, I was crawling away from the practitioner and she was like, come back and my doctor wasn’t there ’cause it was the night before she was gonna be there all day Thursday. Right. I went in on Wednesday, so I was just like, oh my God. And that’s when I started to like, think about, I might not make it through a natural, like this is not. This is not how I remember it.
So I got to four centimeters and then I did not progress past that. So they added Pitocin. They told me that whatever the unit is they weren’t gonna go above 20. So we finally got to 20. I was still at four centimeters. We ended up going to like 40 over the next 24 hours. At that point I had a strong feeling we were gonna end up with an emergency C-section. So at that point, I asked for an epidural.
I was having contractions, but I really couldn’t discern them. Like I could see them on the monitor, but I wasn’t in pain. So when the, when the anesthesiologist came, I explained to him, I’m not in pain, but I’m concerned that I’m headed for a C-section and I don’t want to be knocked out. Right. If you don’t have enough time to get the epidural in, depending on the circumstances they put you to sleep. That means a doula can’t come in, my birthing partner can’t come in. So I was like, can you, can you put it in and not like, give meds, like basically a dry epidural? He was like, no, we we’re gonna have to test it ahead of time because it may not be connected properly. And there needs to be something coming through there. Right? And they already had me on saline on a saline iv. So my mobility was limited, but, and then he said, you know, once you get this, you’re gonna be bedbound. You’re not gonna be able to go to the bathroom. They’re gonna bring you a tray. And so I was like, okay, gimme a little bit. So I waited two hours and then he came back and he put it in which was a very trippy feeling ’cause you can feel your legs, but you can’t really like, put weight on them, like you’re not in full control of them. But they leave it so you can feel it for pushing. So that was like a weird, like, there was one time where I went to get outta the bed and the doula was like, what are you doing? Because I was thinking I could walk. And she was like, no, no, you have to lay down. And it was amazing having the doula there. We paid, we played like meditation, music, and the there’s a thing where you, it’s like not gong music, but they,
Jamie: mm-hmm.
Tanika: The water bowls where they, yeah. And so that we played that music, the room that I had was great. It was overlooking the Hudson. I could see like the water out. So it was very calm in the beginning. And then I was getting frustrated as it was kind of going on, and there’s a lot of people, and so it was a teaching hospital, so I asked for residents not to be like, I didn’t want, if it was, if it were a fellow, I was fine.
I didn’t want residents. And so that I would have to wait longer, which was okay. But it was, there was a lot of people like, you don’t go to the hospital to rest, that’s for sure. People there in and out of your room, like every 20 minutes and touching and prodding, and it was a lot. I did have the monitor on my belly that allowed me to walk around, so with the doula, but they wouldn’t let me walk the hallway.
So in my mind, I imagine, you know, I’m like sprinting down the hallway and they were like, you have to walk in your room, ma’am. And so that was like a little circle that was no fun. So I was ready to like not do that. We did some positioning of like what is it called? Like a king’s pose. So I’m squatting on the bed, there’s a pillow behind me supporting me, but basically I was just up, that was before the epidural.
And there was no progress. So we were trying to get me dilated, but at that point it was all calm. But that’s when I was just like, this is not because with my daughter, I was like six hours from start to finish, from when they broke my water to when she arrived. So, oh yeah, I didn’t mention that.
They did break my water after the Foley. Which of course there’s a time clock once your water is broken, right? Because of the risk of infection. So you have 24 hours I wanted to call it before the 24 hours because we were going into the night shift. No offense to anyone who works at the hospitals at night, but there’s usually not as much staff and they’re usually a little stretched thin.
So I didn’t wanna be fully in the night shift when I delivered just because. And so we, once I made the decision to, to go ahead and do it, I’d ask, can they use like the same incision that where my kidney was removed so I wouldn’t have another one. They inspected that. They were like, no, it’s, it’s a little too low.
Fine. And so once I made the decision, it was like. Quick, fast, in a hurry. At that point, my sister had come back to my apartment to like rest and so she wasn’t there like within 30 minutes max, I was in the delivery room. Wow. And so she didn’t make it, but my doula was in there with me. But like packing up the room, everything had to be done.
I couldn’t move. So I’m, as I’m trying to explain to my doula, like where everything goes and my suitcase, it was just like a mess. I had my laptop out. I brought like this long extension cord because I brought like a laptop, I needed to charge my phone. It was like trying to get all of that packed up straight away. But no matter what, I wanted to make sure the doula could come in the room. Yeah. Right. So I’d be like, worst case scenario, they’ll pack it up ’cause they were insistent like somebody else needed the room. I’m like, but I just decided that I was going like, how could someone else need this room right now? But that’s neither here nor there. Yeah. I’m sure they would’ve charged me for it. So let’s get outta there. Yeah. And then we went into the opera.
Jamie: What was the deciding factor that made you ready for a c-section?
Tanika: We were coming up on the clock of the 24 hours of having my water broken, and there was no progression.
Like he was at, I wanna say like a negative two station. He wasn’t even at zero. And I can’t remember my face. I just wasn’t progressing. And I was at a very high dose of Pitocin. His heart was going up and down, which they said it could be a sign of distress and or infection.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: And so I didn’t want it to come to a place of like, his heart is.
High and remaining high, which is a clear sign of infection, or his heart rate is like any, like it’s dropping anything. Right. And because I had had the poly hydro nose, that’s what it was with the extra fluid, there was a risk of his cord slipping out. So they tested it before they even broke my water.
But the way he was positioned, that would just make a complicated vaginal birth. Right? Like if the cord, if there was a prolapse, if it came out before then they did an ultrasound. Like once I said, I think I, I want to explore the C-section and his position, they were like, oh yeah, no, he was never gonna come down.
Like I, it wasn’t, there’s a specific breach for it. I can’t remember. And he had been breached in like my 32nd week of pregnancy, but he had repositioned himself and so like all of that together yeah, because I knew I wasn’t gonna be able to go into Saturday. Right. I knew if I didn’t at that point, call it, at some point late Friday night, we were gonna be at the 24 hour mark.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: And so that is just, what made sense. And I, at the time, my, my doula was like, do you wanna call your therapist? Like, after I said I wanted, and I was like, no, no. I talked to her about it later. I was like, I feel like you were questioning my agency over me deciding to, but I, like, I get it.
Doulas are there for natural childbirth. Right. But it’s like, I think I may have been her first or second IVF patient. Like we’ve gone through so much. Like I have no, there’s no dishonor if I have a c-section at this point. Mm-hmm. Of course a vaginal birth would be amazing, but there’s no dishonor. Like, I’ve already been a warrior to get to this place. Like, I need to get my baby in my arms. I would hate to have like, put my ego first and like I have to do it. And then he have complications or worse as a result of that.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: So I, I was like, let’s just, let’s do the, the surgery.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: And I got to be awake. They put him on my cheek like right after he, well, I, they lifted up the baby and they were like, because first he, the surgeon was like, who’s gonna call?
Who’s gonna call it for the gender? So they lifted him up over the, the screen that they have. And I was like, so in awe and fighting back tears. Like I couldn’t even get the words out that it’s a boy. So I finally just like squeaked out boy. And and then he wasn’t like screaming or anything, so I was also like, get him, you know, get him somewhere.
And then the doula ended up cutting his umbilical cord for me. They brought him over and everything was fine with him and they brought him over and he was hungry right away. So they put him next to my face. And so we have photos of him. It looks like he’s trying to kiss me. Really? He’s rooting, right?
He’s looking for a, a boot. Mm-hmm. But I couldn’t nurse him until I got to the recovery room ’cause they were like sewing me up. So they kept him there, like holding him and the nurse was like, this is the best thing, the next best thing for him ’cause he can’t be on your breast. And it was just like a huge sigh of relief.
Like he’s finally here.
Jamie: Yeah, what else were you thinking and feeling during those moments?
Tanika: I was like a little panicky. They asked me was I okay ’cause my heart was racing like uncontrollably. The thing that I wasn’t expecting, the only thing I had a sensation of was like my head and my shoulders, like, not even down my forearm.
So I asked the doula, just please put your hand in my like shoulder to help ground me. Mm-hmm. And so I was freaking out, like I couldn’t feel anything else. You can feel the tugging, but it’s not really like, it just, it almost feels like if you were in bed and someone’s tugging sheets next to you, it doesn’t feel like it’s part of your body really.
It’s just like this tugging. So that I was just like praying and doing Hail Marys and you know, like, let’s just breathe through it, get him here. And I think at that point my temperature was rising. I can’t, there was a lot going on. It felt like very controlled chaos in there. So I was just trying to like breathe and stay focused on that.
But I was super excited to meet him and so that was my focal point of like, you’re gonna meet your baby soon, you’re gonna meet your baby soon. It’ll be just a little bit. But yeah, like nervous. I knew like his digits were gonna be there ’cause we had seen the ultrasound. I just didn’t know the gender.
I obviously didn’t know exactly what he would look like, but these new ultrasounds are amazing. Like all of my scans were 3D ultrasounds and so like I could see what the nose was gonna look like and you know how you, I had a good sense of it. One of the sonographers was like, he’s gonna have long eyelashes.
And when I told my MFM, she was like, just don’t, don’t put too much in that. Like sometimes we think it is, and it is. He does have long eyelashes. They’re very thin though, but they looked very prominent on the, on the sonogram. So yeah, it was there was so much excitement and just joy, just like once, like he was on my face. It was just pure bliss. Like, he’s here alive and well, and I’m getting, you know, these pseudo kisses. Like, it just was like, mom, I’m here. I’m here. I’m course, yeah.
And I was honestly worried. So like with the donor conceived well obviously both donors, but with the egg, I was like, am I gonna feel connected? Like, once he gets here and it, I, it just didn’t miss a beat like he is my son, you know? Mm-hmm. He definitely is my son. We did a lot of skin to skin that helps, like with the breastfeeding also it releases the bonding hormone. So it just was like seamless in that way. I did have that thought, like at the end of the pregnancy though, will, will I feel as connected as I did like with my daughter? Like, will I feel like it’s my child? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Or will it feel like someone else’s? And it was seamless. Totally. My, my son.
Jamie: Yeah. I think that thought creeps in a little bit with me using donor eggs too.
Tanika: Yeah. I mean, I think it’s natural, right? There’s a part of our, our biology, a part of procreation is like to carry some of ourselves on, like that’s in our genetics, right?
Jamie: Definitely.
Tanika: And so I think it’s, it’s, I think if you’re not worried about it, it would be a little suspect. Honestly. I, that’s just my opinion. I’m not a therapist. But. Having that reassurance. And I just feel the bond more and more. I just like stare at him and, you know just an amazement. An amazement.
Jamie: Yeah. And how did breastfeeding go?
Tanika: Ah, breastfeeding was a struggle in the beginning, quite honestly. It was a struggle. So I’ve learned when you have a cesarean, your body is not releasing the hormones at the same rate. For breastfeeding as if you had a vaginal delivery. My milk came in while I was in the hospital.
Obviously I was there longer because I had the C-section. So the milk came in. I think it would’ve been fine, except he was losing weight and one of the pediatricians didn’t, was not fond of that. So that started stressing me out. Which obviously stress is not good for breast milk production, right?
So once we got home, I felt like it was better. But he did lose weight. We did have to have, like, I had to go to the pediatrician the next day, which was a whole other complication because I had planned to go here in New York, there’s like a, it’s a Korean postpartum facility. I had planned to check in there, but I couldn’t because one, I had the C-section and one, he was underweight or they not underweight.
He was worried, they were worried about his weight. Like he wasn’t below the 20th percentile at that point. But because he was losing, they were concerned. So I luckily the pediatrician is in walking distance from my home, so I would just put him in his, like stroller, his Nunes stroller and carry him on there.
Right. It has like the car seat attached. I didn’t have to get into a car and go, but we were in every other day for weight checks for him. I did a lot, I worked with a lactation consultant. I did a lot to build up the breast milk. I had to do power pumping, which if you don’t know about it, hopefully you never have to know about it. It’s, it’s a, it’s an ordeal. But finally the, it got up, but it was a great form of connection with the baby as well. A great, like, bonding. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we were just here and my sister had gone home at that point, ’cause I was supposed to go to the, the retreat to the postpartum facility. So it was a little bit stressful at home.
Like I didn’t have meals prepared ’cause I wasn’t gonna be here. So I would just say, have a backup plan just in case you end up with an emergency C-section. Just expect the unexpected. But yeah, the, it, it took a while. It was more difficult than the first time. Someone said, is it harder because you’re older?
I haven’t read any data on that, so I don’t think so. Like my hor, I mean, I don’t know. I didn’t have that experience. I think really a lot to do with the stress of this pediatrician was not really pro breastfeeding and at one point she told me like, I’m not gonna let him out of the hospital until you give him formula.
So I had to get the social worker involved and like all of this. Mm-hmm. I was just like, no, you can’t make me do that. Like you, we can have criteria for his exit. For his release, but that can’t be it.
Jamie: Yeah.
Tanika: But yeah, I got like the little breast massager, so those helped. It was like a warming massager and it vibrates, so that helped with the letdown.
It’s going fine now, but in the beginning it was like touch and go, but I was prepared to like go the distance. I know some people are worried like, I’m not making enough milk, so they go to formula straight away. Well, that also impacts your production, right? Because it’s a supply and demand thing. Yeah.
And so, at that point, I felt confident to, to go the distance with it and not say, oh, okay, I’ll go straight to formula. Like I knew in my heart that’s what I wanted to do, and that was what was best for both of us. Fed is best. I’m not saying, you know, I’m not shaming anyone who, who decides formula is the best for them, but I really wanted to give it a go. And I know supply is not really established until like those first 12 weeks. So it took a while. But he was growing. He’s, he’s not going to be like, he’s right now, I think he’s in the 23rd percentile for weight, but he’s in the 86 percentile for height, so he’s like a string bean. He’s gonna be a tall person. Mm-hmm. And so yeah, we just had his four month checkup on Monday of last week and the doctor was like, I’m not worried about it. He’s fine.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: We are starting baby lead weaning though. She cleared him at four months. I thought it was gonna be six months, but so we’re practicing with food, but food before one is just for fun. So if, if he eats it, he eats, and if he doesn’t, he, he’s still getting enough in breast milk.
Jamie: Yeah. And how was your recovery?
Tanika: Recovery was interesting, so I I was up and walking that night, but it hurt like the dickens, it really did. I was. I was semi prepared for it because I had a similar incision for my, when I had my kidney removed, obviously not through my uterus, but through my abdomen, which is where the pain was.
I think having done a lot of yoga helped me because the nurses kept saying, you’re moving very well for, but it was, I think because it made me a little more like nimble. It was a, a bit better, but it still hurt when I was moving, even though they said I was quote unquote moving, well, it was not without pain.
So they have a, you know, I had a. Pain med schedule and we stayed. If they were not there on time, I was hitting that buzzer for them to be there on time. ’cause you want it in your system before, you know, the pain really kicks in. My problem was, because I only have one kidney, I can’t have ibuprofen. So most people get like acetaminophen, ibuprofen, and then some other like I think I had, oh my God, Oxy something, whatever, a controlled narcotic.
But I couldn’t have the Motrin, so we really had to stay on top of it with the, with the Tylenol and the other meds, the other, the control substance. I had every four hours and I think the Tylenol I could have every six hours.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: But I made myself get up and walk and like, I had him in his little, I call it a buggy, but it’s their little bassinet. It’s on wheels, right? Mm-hmm. So I would push it up and down the hall. We’d like walk to the nursery and walk back. Yeah, I just, I knew from the kidney surgery, like the sooner you move around, the better it gets, and so your muscles don’t get tight. They told me not to take the incision tape off, like let it fall off.
They were checking me, like making sure they did a lot of pushing to like push out excess blood and make sure it was like I wasn’t hemorrhaging or like anything was wrong. So they did a lot of checking. And then they ran a lot of tests, so that’s when my creatinine and other numbers related to my kidney were coming back wonky.
But I had had so much IV fluid, I think that also contributed to it because then I went to the nephrologist, the kidney doctor later and he was like, it’s fine. You’re, you’re fine. But they did like, they wanted to do an ultrasound of my remaining kidney and then. The sonographer was like, can I do the other side?
And I was like, where the kidney is gone? And she was like, yeah, just so we have a reference. I was like, I don’t think insurance is gonna pay for that. Like, my kidney’s gone, gone since 2006, so no. The baby went to the nursery twice. The bill for the nursery was $13,000. I wanted the baby to stay in there, but there was one day I wanted to shower, so I sent him there.
And then when I had my the ultrasound, the baby had to go 13,000 do, I mean, insurance covered it, but when you get the bill, you’re like, you know, ’cause they keep telling you, send the baby to the nursery, send. And I was like, no, I want him here with me. Nobody mentions that. Like, I was like, oh my God.
Jamie: It’s a service.
Tanika: Yes, yes.
Jamie: Wow. And how are you today?
Tanika: I’m great. I am great today. I feel like we are finally in a rhythm. We’ve finally gotten a groove. I did a little bit of sleep training. I don’t like to hear him cry. He’s in his, he’s in his fourth month, so I’m expecting a little bit of regression.
But I think we’re, I mean, granted I haven’t gone back to work yet, so I think that’s gonna be a whole other thing, which is why I’m working hard to like, declutter and get systems in place now. But yeah, like mentally I’ve been great. I do see a therapist. I also see like a psychiatric nurse who does my Zoloft who, so I see her once a month and I see a therapist every other week.
Mm-hmm. Just, and my the MFM asked that I increased my therapy before delivery because she wanted someone to be like identifying my baseline. Mm-hmm. I mean, I had already been seeing that therapist, but I was seeing him once a month, so we upped it in case there was any like abnormalities or something strange.
And the weird thing is because I have the YouTube, I edit my own video so I can kind of see myself like mm-hmm. Editing it is a different thing of like how I feel like I can see if I’m like. Kind of off. And so yeah, they, they just wanted to make sure I was okay, especially because I am a single person and I’m now here by myself with the baby.
I did have postpartum help. The doula came and did postpartum doula work, so that was nice as well. Mainly like helping like do the laundry, do the dishes. Oh. So I wasn’t stressed out about that. That was really nice. I highly recommend that if, if it’s for you, like just coming in and like doing meals. I actually ended up cooking for her sometime too.
’cause I was, it’s hard to like, for me to just accept help, but she was here she would come in from, what was it, like nine 30 to two 30? I didn’t want a night doula. Like I, let’s just all sleep, you know, at home in our own beds. But yeah, that was super helpful. And so now I’m, I did that for, like the first two months and now I’m on my own.
Which has been, it’s been fine. Like we go hang out in Central Park. I’ve got two Yorkies. We, you know the Yorkies are getting used to the him, one of them is like motherly to him and the other one’s like, why does he get all the new toys?
Jamie: That’s cute. A new dynamic. Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And you said mentally you’re doing really great?
Tanika: Yes, yes I am. Thankfully. Yeah, I’m all, I’m, I’m already thinking, well I don’t have a lot of time ’cause I’m older, like should I have another one? So the doctor said I have to wait until he’s at least nine months, so it’d be 18 months in between. But that I would definitely have to have a C-section. If I didn’t wanna have a C-section, I’d have to wait additional six months beyond that.
So I’m trying to figure that out. I would definitely say when you’re pregnant, start figuring out your daycare. Like if you don’t have someone to, obviously my family is not here on the East coast. Mm-hmm. So I put him on the wait list last year in November. I didn’t know that Ginger, I didn’t know anything else and they just had called and said like, the spot is open.
And I said, I’m gonna wait now until January for him to come. And they’re like, that’s fine. But if you’re in a big city, it can be a little competitive and like this place, it’s only four four infants to one teacher. So that felt good for me. Like that I just hear a lot, like I didn’t wanna do an in-home daycare.
I just wanted to make sure he was sick. I mean, obviously all parents do, but I was just trying to figure out like what made sense for us. Mm-hmm. And they’re open until seven at night in case I end up having to work late or whatever. So yeah.
Jamie: That’s really nice.
Tanika: But I’m so far so good. Yeah.
Jamie: Good. Do you have anything else you want to add to your pregnancy or birth?
Tanika: Anything else? I wish I had thought more about a cesarean section of that being like a real possibility. I don’t think I earnestly considered it, but I’m happy the way everything ended up. I I don’t have any regrets about that. It was, it was really good. It was, yeah. I’m, I’m very grateful for the experience and for the care providers and yeah.
Jamie: And what has been your biggest challenge being pregnant in your forties? In your fifties? Fifties?
Tanika: Oh yeah. Biggest challenge. I, I don’t know. I felt better about, I felt. Healthier in this pregnancy in my fifties than I did at the one in my, in my twenties. Quite honestly. I just really loved being pregnant, but I did have to take naps.
I will say that I don’t remember taking naps the first time around. So when I got home from work, I was, I had to take a nap. Like I was exhausted. But I’m on my feet a lot at work too. Like, I’m running around in the building looking at stuff. ’cause I work on projects and leading meetings, you know, and I’m an introvert, so like, leading a meeting can be exhausted, exhaustive.
Like, I know I talk a lot, but like, after this is over, I’m gonna just get to sit and be quiet for a while. Like, I’m a, I’m a gregarious introvert. And so I would, I would say I would get tired. It was much more marked than the first time. Like they say the first trimester is gonna be your most tired.
Like, I was tired first and third.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Tanika: I, I didn’t get that big, like, reprieve. Everyone said.
Jamie: Mm.
Tanika: So naps were a thing.
Jamie: Yeah, those sounds really nice all the time.
Tanika: Yes. Yes.
Jamie: Is there anything you’d recommend that would help prepare someone for pregnancy and birth over 40?
Tanika: Be as healthy as you can be.
Like, make conscious decisions about what you eat. Prepare yourself mentally for it. It is, you know, like for me, yoga, acupuncture, meditation helped with that. Like you, I feel like to be grounded and centered is really important in it. Mm-hmm. And I had a relatively easy pregnancy. I know some people like have really wicked morning sickness and I didn’t have that. But I think being grounded mentally before going into it, if that happens, you’re prepared for that. Yeah. And keep exercising. If you’re not exercising and you’re still trying start some sort of exercise, it’s good mentally too. Like it gives you good endorphins. But I think. Just being physical and being in your body helps.
Jamie: Yeah. And what advice would you give yourself when you’re pregnant? If you could go back?
Tanika: Enjoy it more. I wish that, like at the beginning I could have just enjoyed it more. It just reminded myself it’s gonna be okay. What’s meant to be is going to be. And yeah, just enjoy it.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. And what would you tell that woman that’s over 40 trying to get pregnant? What would you tell her?
Tanika: Be vigilant about your healthcare, about information. Some doctors are going to want to take the easy way out and, and not give you a lot of information. You really want to find a doctor that will partner with you and please remember to advocate for yourself, right? And that’s why the partnership is so important because you want to be heard and seen and have what you’re saying taken seriously.
There’s a lot at stake, I feel like when you’re older just because of the timeline, right? You can’t, you don’t have 10 years to try per se, or 15 years like you would if you were 29 discovering a fertility issue. And so yeah, be partner with your healthcare provider. Eat well, like, think about things like anti-inflammatory diets.
Like you wanna stack the deck in your favor be, you know, you wanna create that receptive body. Get all of your testing done, you know, get your regular pap smears. If you’re of the age of still getting pap smears after 50, you don’t get them anymore. You get something else. But yeah, just take care of yourself, get your mammograms, all of those things.
Go to the dentist. There’s bacteria on your teeth that could impact your health. So make sure you’re get getting your cleanings quarterly and all that fun stuff. And just prepare yourself. Sometimes we, when we’re going through this, you only you can decide if you wanna share or not share. Right. I found that in the end, sharing helped me.
I know some people who are like early forties talk to me a lot about like their family gathering. So when are you gonna have a baby? Are you still trying or you know, just relax. Like, you have to figure out how to navigate that. I recommend just being honest with people. Like I, that’s not the type of support I need.
You know, I think it’s important that the people who really want to support us to. For them to ask, like, how can I support you through this? And have an honest answer for them. If it’s, I don’t need, you know, you to ask, I’ll tell you when I’m ready. Like, be frank about that. I don’t think this is the time to worry about other people’s feelings.
I’m not saying be rude, but put yourself first and what your needs are first. Because like I said, it is a journey and you just want to, you know, like any long journey you wanna be prepared to go the distance. And so yeah, advocate for yourself both with your healthcare, with your families with your partner, what whoever it is so that they can support you in the way that makes sense for you.
Jamie: And where can our listeners connect with you? You mentioned your YouTube channel.
Tanika: Yeah, so I’m on YouTube at Simply Tanika, T as in Tom, a n as in Nancy, IKA, also on Instagram, simply dot Tanika. I talk about all things fertility. I am, you know. The fertility fairy godmother around the interwebs. And so if you need encouragement or help, you can DM me or, you know, however you want to connect with me.
Jamie: I will leave all those links in the description also. Okay. Tanika, thank you so much for sharing your story. It was so beautiful.
Tanika: Yay. Thank you.