110. Join three women as they defy societal timelines and medical buzzwords to share the raw, unfiltered reality of pursuing pregnancy in their 40s. From the emotional rollercoaster of “workbench sex” to the power of intuition, this roundtable discussion proves that your “second chapter” is just getting started.
On episode 110, Kezia, Mandy, and Carly join us to share their deeply personal experiences with trying to conceive in their 40s. The conversation cuts through the noise of societal “age limits” and the buzzword of perimenopause, replacing clinical statistics with radical authenticity. From overcoming health hurdles like endometriosis and emergency surgeries to navigating the complexities of vasectomy reversals and secondary infertility, these women open up about the “aha moments” that reignited their desire for motherhood and the mental fortitude required to stay the course when the world says it’s too late.
The episode goes beyond the physical journey, diving into the spiritual and emotional shifts that occur during this “second chapter” of life. Listeners will hear a raw look at the daily realities of “workbench sex,” the solitary grief of a negative pregnancy test, and the life-changing impact of finding a supportive community. Whether discussing the nuances of breastfeeding while trying to conceive or the importance of trusting one’s inner intuition, Kezia, Mandy, and Carly offer a defiant and hopeful perspective. They remind us that the journey isn’t just about the outcome, but about the resilience, education, and empowerment found along the way.
About the Guests
Kezia Haynes is a 44-year-old Canadian living in Pennsylvania who welcomed her son at 41. A milk donor and advocate for mental fortitude, she is currently navigating secondary infertility and the complexities of conceiving after a fallopian tube removal.
Connect with Kezia:
- Instagram: @thekeziahaynes
Carly Blackmore is a 46-year-old mother of nine spanning two generations, including a toddler born when she was 43. Based in the UK, she brings a humorous and grounded perspective to the “consuming” mental load of tracking and the resilience required to bounce back each month.
Connect with Carly:
- Instagram: @mrsmoo_1
Mandy Guaresi is from Cairns, Australia, Mandy is a 44-year-old mother and step-grandmother navigating a new journey with her husband. After overcoming an abusive past and health hurdles like endometriosis, she shares the unique challenges of pursuing conception following a vasectomy reversal.
Connect with Mandy:
- Instagram: @fun_in_the_sun_one
Key Topics
- Reclaiming the Narrative: Moving past the “perimenopause” buzzword and refusing to let doctors or age statistics dictate personal fertility power.
- The Physical & Spiritual Toolkit: A deep dive into supplements (CoQ10, Vitex), cycle tracking, and the role of sobriety, meditation, and “touching grass” in maintaining hope.
- Relationship Realities: Navigating “workbench sex,” the importance of partner support, and communicating through the pressure of the ticking clock.
- The Emotional Cliff Edge: Managing the solitary grief of a negative test, the trauma of missed miscarriages, and the anxiety that precedes a period.
- Trusting Your Intuition: Why life experience in your 40s makes you a more intentional, educated, and resilient advocate for your own body.
Resources & Links
Note: Some of the links below are affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you if you make a purchase. I only recommend products our guests truly love!
Instagram: Follow Over 40 Fabulous and Pregnant
YouTube: Watch Episodes HERE
Referenced Products: Medical Medium Celery Juice
Shop More: See ALL products recommended by our guests!
Support the Podcast: Donate to the Podcast
Community: Join the Over 40 Fabulous Facebook Group or get on the Waitlist to Know When the next TTC Sisterhood Circle meets on Zoom.
Transcript
Jamie: Hi, ladies. Welcome to the show.
Carly: Oh, hi.
Mandy: Hi.
Jamie: Today we are talking about trying to conceive over 40, and this has been a long time coming. I’m so happy to finally give y’all a voice. As a standard round table shows, this is gonna be very conversational. We have questions to answer, so feel free to disagree if y’all have a different experience. And as long as we are respectful and curious, I think that’s fine.
Before we get started, will y’all each tell us a little bit about yourself. Ketsia, would you like to begin?
Kezia: Sure. Hi, my name is Ketsia. I am 44 years old. I’m Canadian. I live in Pennsylvania, United States, with my husband, who is American. I have an 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and then we have a 2 and a half year old son together. I was 41, almost 42, when he was born. Now I am 44, and we are in the process of figuring out the next step for growing our family from here, so I’m excited to be here.
Jamie: Yeah. Thank you. Carly, would you like to go next?
Carly: Hi. Yeah, I’m Carly. I am 46, although I’ve been telling people I’ve been 42 for the last six years. I had my last daughter at the age of 43. I’ve got nine children four from my first marriage and then five from this marriage. My husband is Greek Cypriot, so he’s not scared of children or big families, which is good.
Jamie: Yeah. Mandy?
Mandy: Hi, I’m Mandy. I’m from Cairns, Australia. I’m 44 years old. I have two children from a previous marriage that are 16 and almost 19. I have a 20-year-old stepdaughter, and she had the baby I have a little step-granddaughter, and I also have a stepson who is 22, and he has a two-year-old toddler. Yeah, so two children are mine, two belong to my husband, and then we’ve got two little grandbabies thanks to his children. We have been trying officially to conceive our own child for nine months, but it’s been a few years to get to this process.
Jamie: Let’s get into the questions. What was the specific moment or aha moment that you realized that led you to pursuing pregnancy? Mandy, would you like to start off that one?
Mandy: Yeah. I always felt I wanted more children but I was in a very abusive marriage, so left that there. When I met my now husband he is so amazing and patient, I got to see what a good dad he was to my son who’s with us. A couple of times we had the big discussions. We wished we had children together, but he had a vasectomy, so it was not something simple. Three years ago we discussed him having his vasectomy reversed, then his son partner announced they were having a baby. So we put it on the back burner and thought maybe, this isn’t meant to be for us.
We traveled. We’ve had a lot of fun together, but that niggle to have our own child together has still been there. In 2024, my family doctor told me he thought I needed a hysterectomy because of endometriosis and adenomyosis. I was quite upset and thought, “Wow,” Okay, so the feeling I’m always gonna have more children, is wrong. It was hard to take that news for the few months while I waited to see a proper gynecologist.
When I saw a gynecologist, she said to me, “Are you done having children?” I said I didn’t think I could have more children given the endometriosis, the adenomyosis, et cetera. And she said, “You’ve already had two children before, healthy babies. I don’t see why not.” She said, “You’re one of the healthiest people I’ve had come in here.” So she said, “Let’s give it a go.” She did my bloods. She was very happy with my results that came through. My hubby booked in a vasectomy reversal. That took a while to find a doctor who would do it, given that he had his vasectomy 10 or 12 years earlier.
Then we found a doctor on the Gold Coast, Australia, and he said if she would agree to have a child, I would get my vasectomy reversed tomorrow. So we had all positive from him, positive from my gynecologist, and we decided, all right, let’s do this.
Jamie: Katia, did you have anything to add?
Kezia: Yeah. Just thinking about it while I was listening to Mandy say that is part of not knowing I had this cyst was that it was affecting my cycle, and there was things that were happening that were leading me to believe I’m in perimenopause, right?
Which is, of course, any doctor will say, “Oh you’re in your 40s. You’re in perimenopause.” But what does that actually mean? And it varies so much from woman to woman, right? I’m kinda like Mandy, where I’m like if you tell me, if you take away my power to make that decision, I literally am gonna walk out that door and find someone else who believes in me, because I just don’t believe that’s true.
It’d be different if I was actually in menopause, right? And someone had said, “Okay you have not had a period for two years,” all these other things, right? None of that was true. Having the surgery and having this moment of clarity where I was like this is a reason why some of these things were happening over the last 12 months that I just kept chalking up to exhaustion, stress of the new house. I’d done pelvic floor rehab, and I thought, maybe there was some pelvic floor damage. We were building the home gym here. We’re still working on it. I was doing my workouts and thinking, and some the doctor was like, oh, it could be musculoskeletal related and all this stuff.
Long and short of it was I was like I don’t think we’re done, and I don’t feel like- the things that were happening had anything to do with my fertility, and it just really in the last few weeks has just put this, it’s shifted my mental state in a way that I can’t really put into words, but I’m just more determined.
And that’s how I was with Tristan though, because my husband told me that mentally he had come to the point when I lost my period after the miscarriage, he came to terms with the fact that we weren’t gonna have a child together. I was like I didn’t.” I literally found Dr. Nicholson and sat in her parking lot and was like, “Can you see me?” “Can you let me in?” This has been a big turning point and it just feels different again.
Jamie: Yeah. I get that too. Everyone is throwing around perimenopause.
Kezia: It’s a buzzword … But you can still conceive in perimenopause. Yes. You could be in perimenopause for 10, 12 years.
You could pick any of the things that they test. I had an AMH of .6 when I c- or .7 when I conceived him, and they say anything below one you’re not getting pregnant. I was like I got pregnant within two months.”
So I think there’s so many things that you can do, I think, that we’ll talk about with your lifestyle and your mental health and your physical health to help yourself. I don’t think you just need to be a victim to perimenopause.
Jamie: Yeah. I totally agree.
Yeah. Kezia, would you like to go next?
Kezia: Sure. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She’s 11, and my husband and I met in 2018, me and my daughter are Canadian, so we had to immigrate here. We had to immigrate during COVID, which you, as you can imagine, was a total nightmare. We knew from the beginning we wanted to get married. We wanted to have at least one child together.
We got married when I was 39, turning 40. My husband was very traditional, he didn’t want to start trying, also ’cause of our immigration. He wanted to wait. We got pregnant in July of that year, and I had a miscarriage on my birthday week.
Jamie: Aw. That’s so tough.
Kezia: It was so hard. I was eight weeks eight or nine weeks, and they didn’t do a D&C. I’d never had a miscarriage before. I didn’t realize that a lot of times you need a D&C to clear out the tissue and things that are in there in order to conceive again.
After I had the miscarriage, my periods were so irregular and actually nonexistent. I remember I did not have a period, and I went back to the gynecologist and I was like, “Is this normal?” “Should I, how long does it take to come back?” And they were like it can take six months.” And I was like, “Okay, but given my age, can we do something?” And they said why don’t you take,” I think it’s called medroxyprogesterone to stimulate a bleed. But it’s not like an actual period. It’s I guess it’s just to get your body back into that cycle. I don’t really know, but it gave me crazy panic attacks. I’m talking I was in the grocery store and my heart rate was like 180, and I was like, “Something’s not right here.”
So I went back to them and I was like, “Can we figure out what’s going on?” And because we, I didn’t grow up here, I don’t have a history with that OBGYN, and they were like, “Okay we can do an ultrasound.” “Maybe we should look into this.” And they didn’t, quote, find anything, right?
Like, how can we not know what’s going on here? I did my own research, found an amazing female OBGYN. My husband calls her the G unit. I went in to see her and she said, “I’m going to get you pregnant.” “This is gonna happen.” This was in August of the following year. It’d been almost a year since my miscarriage, and I was not pregnant. She ran all the blood work, did the ultrasound and said, “You have tissue that’s in there.” She said, “Did they ever do a D&C?” And I said, “No.” And she was like you need a D&C.”
Scheduled it, had the D&C in August. She gave me Letrozole to stimulate ovulation. She said, “We’ll try this for three months to speed up the process,” and we were pregnant within two months of Letrozole. And…
Jamie: amazing
Kezia: christian was born in July of 2023, so he is turning three this year. Our plan was to always have a sibling for him in that sort of like same age group. I always wanted to do that for my daughter, and I was unable to.
So that’s where we’re at now. I just had a procedure. I had a large cyst from my C-section with my son that I wasn’t aware of it. So I had the operation two weeks ago, They removed the cyst, but they also, removed my left fallopian tube now I’m in the rabbit hole of doing research about getting pregnant with just one tube. I’ve heard a lot of success stories and yeah, I’m just hopeful that will be our story.
Jamie: Yeah. I only have one fallopian tube. And-
Kezia: From what I heard, it just can grab the egg out of anywhere, right?
Jamie: Yeah. Yeah, it doesn’t matter. I don’t think the odds are any different.
Kezia: Okay.
Jamie: And I’ve been pregnant two cycles in a row, so I don’t let that be defeating at all.
Kezia: I’d never looked into it because i’d never had this issue. When I woke up from surgery I was at first really distraught. But you go on the internet and you look, all I could see was a lot of success stories of women getting pregnant with just one tube.
Jamie: Totally. Carly, you wanna go next?
Carly: Hi. Yeah, I think when you have had children before, my children are always asking, “Is mom gonna do it again? We don’t believe you when you say no. Are you gonna do it again? Are you gonna make it a round even number?” There is that constant.
My oldest now is 25 and my youngest is three. We are spanning across two generations. Sometimes I go out and I’m offended. “Are you her grandma?” No. They go out with my son and I’ve had to explain sometimes that he is my child, and they’re looking at me rather weirdly as if I’ve got some very young partner. It’s quite bad.
Where do you draw the line? Where do you make that decision to try again? I’ve had miscarriages too. I had a miscarriage after my last daughter. It wasn’t exactly a planned pregnancy, but I wasn’t preventing either. So I knew it was- possible. That was my first missed miscarriage. That really did scare me. I’ve had a few before, but very early. With this one, it was quite physically bad, apart from the emotional turmoil of going to a 12-week scan and finding, that your baby had passed away several weeks ago and nothing had happened.
Jamie: Yeah.
Carly: It is distressing. Do you put yourself through that again? Do you not? We haven’t done the, if this doesn’t happen by this point, we’ll stop. We are doing all we can to better our chances. I have got to stop somewhere. I think I could keep going a bit longer, while you have the physical symptoms, your cycle changes and you’re tracking and hoping you’re ovulating, and it’s all very normal as it was before.
I feel that pressure clock more from him than I would do from me. I think it’s like we’re, he’s “We’ll talk about stopping in a few months,” and I’m like, “Okay, I need to ride this,” ’cause it affects them as well. After that miscarriage, I didn’t realize I was thinking about having another one until I had the miscarriage, and then that loss suddenly became so huge.
Jamie: Yeah.
Carly: It was quite consuming for a long time, and it was just like, okay, I’m obviously feeling this. Let’s give it a go and if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.
Mental health is huge, and it’s a-
Kezia: Yeah
Carly: … it’s a big problem through all of this. You can have all of the support of your husband, or if your family and friends know, you can have all of the support there. But a community of anyone who has experienced a success over 40, these people are so loud. They want you to succeed. Sometimes you need that power from someone else to just say-
Kezia: You do.
Carly: You can. Get your mindset in it. You can do this.
Jamie: I love that. Our next question is, what does your journey actually look like right now? What are you doing? Are you tracking medications, treatments, and supplements? Kezia, do you wanna start that one off?
Kezia: So supplements, I take CoQ10. I’ve always believed in that just from a heart health perspective, and what I found personally when we were trying to conceive him is that for me, my anxiety and my stress levels play a big role in my cycle and in my… they always say “Just relax. Go on vacation, and you’ll get pregnant.” That’s not an option for us, right? But it’s that same idea of things that I can do in my lifestyle, like my supplements, like my CoQ10, like my just my prenatal, my vitamins. I take a bunch of things like moringa and, I take ginger and turmeric. I take things that are antioxidant based.
I also meditate every day.
Jamie: How do you fit that in your schedule?
Kezia: I got sober from alcohol five and a half years ago. I would have never got pregnant if I had tried when I was still drinking, ’cause I was such a heavy drinker and drug user. So getting sober was a big part of that. What I do right now, I get up at 4:45 and I come down here to our little basement gym, and I lay on the floor or sit on the mat, and I do my little 10 minutes meditation and then I do a workout. I start my day by myself.
Usually my son is awake, but my husband, he’s sleeping on the floor in Tristan’s bedroom. Don’t ask. So I can see them on the monitor, and I’m like, “Okay, he’s awake,” but he doesn’t have to get up to go to work until an hour after I get up. So I take advantage of that hour, and for me, that’s been the only way to do it, ’cause I found myself getting resentful.
If you don’t make time for yourself, nobody else is going to do it, especially when you have responsibilities like kids, like husbands. I don’t work outside of the home, but I have a lot of responsibilities here and a lot of creative projects that I’m working on.
I did Spirit Babies. I don’t know if you guys read that, but I did. I did that, and that was really helpful as well. So anything that can tap- you can tap into your subconscious is going to put you in the mindset of gratitude that you already have that outcome that you want. So you already have that next baby. You’re already living in that timeline, and I think that’s how I go about my day.
So exercise, whole food diet for the most part and supplements. Just I don’t take a lot of supplements. Fiber and protein, I do that, but just really the CoQ10. Last time I did baby aspirin, ’cause that’s what they say for anyone over 40, and this time I’m i, I had chronic hypertension with him, but that was not true as it turned out, yeah.
Jamie: Awesome. Carly, would you like to go next?
Carly: I’m doing the ovulation tracking, where we’ve got, the standard Clearblue. Try to eat clean as much as you can. Just avoid the massive sugar spikes. With regard to vitamins, we’re doing a multivitamin obviously that contains folate rather than folic acid for the absorption. The high-dose CoQ10 that’s egg and sperm quality. Also really high dose , I think it’s 2,000 milligrams of the essential omegas which is supposed to be egg and sperm health. It’s an array of the multivitamins, just trying to boost everything.
Jamie: That’s great. Mandy, what about you?
Mandy: Yeah, so I do track my ovulation.
I’ve got the Clearblue, I think it is, the proper digital one, so that way I know I’m definitely ovulating. I’m taking the CoQ10, Vitex, thanks to you and this podcast. I’m getting all the ideas. Myo-inositol, I take that as well. There’s some other amino acids. I think L-glutamine it’s called and then wild blueberry powder.
I have hubby on a sperm health supplement as well. Yeah, we’re both quite fit. We like to exercise and get outside, try not to eat too much junk food. Try not to drink much alcohol really. Maybe the odd glass of wine here and there. And then yeah, we try and have fun, and sex, that’s the only way it’s gonna happen, lots of sex.
Carly: We’re all walking around going, “Today is a solid smiley. Today is a solid smiley.”
Jamie: So no one has gotten to the point of medication or IUIs or anything like that?
Carly: No.
Jamie: Yeah.
Mandy: We are wait-listed to see a fertility clinic. Jimmy’s doctor did his vasectomy reversal and suggested maybe trying IUI. I saw a gynecologist I think only two, three weeks ago, and asked her about Clomid. But she said because I ovulate, I don’t need Clomid. She did do a womb biopsy on me though for the endometriosis and just to see where my womb health was at, and they rang a few days ago to say that it was very healthy, and they hope to see me in the obstetric clinic soon.
Jamie: That’s awesome.
Mandy: Yeah, it was nice.
Jamie: Yeah, you love to get great news sometimes. Doesn’t it feel good? Yeah.
Mandy: It does.
Jamie: Our next question is, have you changed anything about your lifestyle since starting and trying to conceive, food, stress, supplements? We’ve talked about that, but I guess- if you wanna elaborate on that. Mandy, have you done anything?
Mandy: I think I do the same thing. I try and do a meditation every day, even if it is only a 10-minute one. Try and keep my stress levels down. Without going into too much of my past, my ex-husband still does a lot to try and cause a lot of grief. Like has withheld my eldest child for most of the last six years, so I barely get contact with my son. So I guess birthdays, his birthday’s coming up, Christmas, all those things are quite emotional and do cause me a lot of stress. He kept the youngest son longer than he was meant to also last time he saw him.
I guess I have that stress there, but I try so hard through counseling, meditation. I will go see spiritual healers. You name it, I try everything just to try and let go of that stress and have faith. I don’t think you have to be religious to pray. Pray a lot for that everything works out one day, and protection over him and over us, and that we can still have a healthy, happy baby, and give a child a chance to be raised by two very happy, loving parents who are actually in a healthy marriage. I think that’s the big thing.
We try and keep our stress levels down as best I can with that. Hubby is very good at sometimes if I get in a little slump at taking me out and we go to the creeks or the beach and get out in nature actually a fair bit. I find that helps a lot. Nature, upping the vitamins.
And trying, celery juice is a big one. I don’t know if you guys have ever heard of Medical Medium. Yeah … celery juice several times a week. Yeah. So there’s another book to look into, Medical Medium, and he’s very big on being vegan, though I’m not.
Jamie: It’s really hard. Yeah. Katia, what about you? Do you have anything to add?
Kezia: I’m really open, and I’m really more in tune with the spiritual side of this in my 40s. I grew up in a Christian church, but I lost touch for no particular reason. I was out of my faith for a really long time. I was always with men who weren’t involved with that, and my husband still isn’t. He grew up Catholic, but we don’t practice anything in the home. But in the last year, I found myself just having conversations with the universe or with God in the kitchen. I’d be doing dishes, and I just started as this conversation, and then I would start journaling in the morning, and it turned into this it’s like a manifestation sort of thing where I just, having that- knowledge that there’s something bigger than you, I think is so important when you’re on this journey because it can feel so isolating and lonely even when there’s other women going through it I think there’s still times where you can’t reach out to someone maybe, or it’s the middle of the night, you wake up, your heart’s racing, and you’re thinking, “Oh my gosh.”
And a lot of that is because we’re exposed to a constant barrage of, like, when you’re over 40 it’s just never gonna happen. You’re too old. You’re 43, hang up your whatever now. And it was like if it gets like that and the noise gets loud, I get off of my social media. I curate my feed to have really positive things in it and people in it, and I think that’s been different for me now as opposed to living in fear and believing, what other people were saying.
And getting outside, like Mandy said, touching grass is just so- Yeah … we’ve been in a snowstorm for two weeks, and I’m like, man, I just wanna get outside. And I’m recovering from surgery, and they’re like, “Just k- keep it cool.” And I’m like, I just wanna get out and do something.
Jamie: Yeah. Carla, do you have anything to add about anything that you’re changing or doing?
Carly: Only really trying to cook from scratch, things like that. With a bigger family, we’re used to cooking relatively big meals and trying to do things from scratch. But the noise can be so loud, and you do just have to, like you said, Cassia, it is very much you have to switch it off, and how you switch it off some days is impossible.
Jamie: Okay. And we had one Instagram question about breastfeeding, but no one is breastfeeding and trying to conceive, right?
Carly: Yeah.
Jamie: You were breastfeeding. Okay.
Carly: With with my last daughter I was breastfeeding. My periods didn’t come back until sort of 12 to 18 months. I was feeding her until she was almost two. She is now nearing three and still won’t let go. It’s only in the evening for that comfort. Definitely limit that to get those cycles to come back.
It feels wrong to be doing it, but also your brain is saying, you’ve been doing this for 18 months.” Here they advise anything from one year to two years, dependent on who you speak to. When I had my older children, it was literally six months. If you can do six months, that’s amazing. Everyone’s journey is so different. But for me- . yeah, I’ve, I have had to wait a couple of times to get those cycles back. Yes, definitely.
Jamie: Kezia, are you breastfeeding?
Kezia: So I exclusively pumped with Tristan. I just weaned off pumping about two months ago.
Jamie: Oh, congratulations …
Kezia: now it I tapered down, but I was an over supplier, so I was a milk donor. I donated 6,500 ounces to NICU babies-
Jamie: Awesome
Kezia: I used to send coolers of milk from Pennsylvania to California. If I was to do it again, I would find somewhere around here. I wanted to nurse him, it just never worked, and we didn’t have the proper support here in the hospital. Their lactation clinic was not that good, and I was stressed out, and he was a huge baby, and it just did not work the way that I wanted it to.
I taught myself how to pump, which is really stressful to be honest. It was very hard, but it was definitely one of the most rewarding things that I’ve done. It took me a long time to let go of that. My cycle came back within 12 months, but I was not ovulating cycles and just things were a little bit weird.
I think my hormones were just all over the place, ’cause I’d start, I’d be like, “I’m gonna wean,” and then I’d go down, and then I’d like- not wanna let it go, and then I’d start again. I think the whole breastfeeding journey is just an emotional one. So I am, looking back now, I’m glad that I’m done now. It was a bottle for him, right? But- … for me, it was- But think of
Carly: how many babies you’ve helped. Oh, my Lord.
Kezia: Yeah. Oh. I still have milk in the freezer ’cause I wanna make some breast milk jewelry too.
Jamie: Oh, that’d be cool. And Mandy, you weren’t breastfeeding, right?
Mandy: No. Okay. No, I’ve heard that can happen, yeah.
Jamie: I fell pregnant too whenever I was breastfeeding. It’s wild how that works.
Mandy: The body’s amazing.
Jamie: Carly, you are up next, what has surprised you the most about trying to conceive over 40?
Carly: Okay. I think, to be honest, how much it consumes you. Yeah … as I say, I know physically there’s changes. If you are still getting all those signs throughout the month, and you feel like your body is still doing what it was doing in its 30s then that’s wonderful. You’ve got some idea of what’s going on. But mentally, it does consume me, whether that is because I feel like I’m on the clock, not sure really.
It’s not like in your 20s, when we were trying to get pregnant in our 20s. You have to realize, A, you’re younger, B, your partner is younger. They’re excited for all the events in their 20s. They’re absolutely great. But obviously we’re happy to go along with it. The excitement is there all the time.
When you’re 40, aside from anything else, women are hitting their peak in their 45. They’re quite happy to carry on. But our partners not so much. They’re getting tired. And I think the consuming, it really does take up so much of your time. I know later on we’re talking about what’s the first thing you think about when you wake up, and it really does consume you. You’re concerned about where you are in the month and what’s going on and is it today? And also, that worry. What if it works?
What if it doesn’t work? It’s not just you’re consumed by what you’re doing at the moment. Have I taken my vitamins? Am I relatively relaxed? Is it the right time of the month? Am I tracking? Is it a smiley day? Is it a flashy day? Your questions are constant. But also, you have the fear. You have the fear. What on earth am I gonna do if this works? That thought of getting to that 12 weeks, it is huge. It’s quite a worry. And what if it doesn’t work? Then you’re back there at the beginning of the next cycle doing the same thing all over again. I just think it takes its toll. It really does.
Jamie: Yeah. Mandy, what about you? What has been the most surprising thing about trying to conceive over 40?
Mandy: I think that you actually have to try. When I was younger, I was 24 when I first got married and went off the pill. Everyone said it takes a good year or two to fall pregnant after the pill. I fell pregnant six weeks after stopping the pill.
Jamie: Wow.
Mandy: It’s the fact that now you kinda actually have to try and maybe be aware of your body, your environment, your stress levels. I guess you still get that little bit of fear from people. Not everyone knows that we’re trying for a baby. A lot of my friends don’t even know yet. Yeah. People’s negative opinions, so then you are trying extra hard to make sure your body is healthy so you have a healthy baby.
I guess there’s a little bit more thought into it. And each month when you do get your period, you think how many more years of periods do I have left? I’m 44 now. So I guess it’s a little bit like that.
Jamie: Yeah. That’s great. Katia, what about you? What is the most thing that has surprised you about trying to conceive over 40?
Kezia: I think just really what we’ve already covered is I feel like you need more of a mental fortitude to do this in your 40s because automatically it comes with a whole bunch of negative connotations from different parts.
I wouldn’t say that I experienced it that much when I got pregnant with Tristan. For the fact that I met my husband later in life. I also came out of an abusive relationship with my daughter’s father, and I was a single parent in active addiction, so my life was a complete shambles before I met James.
And I think when we met, it was always the expectation we’re gonna have at least one baby, right? There’s just other things that they’ll be like why are you still doing that? You’re done having kids. And I’m thinking what the F do you know? Like there’s just, so there’s that mental fortitude to stay the course and to surround yourself, like Mandy said people, women who are on this journey too.
Listening to this podcast, on Jamie’s page, like people who aren’t afraid of all the things that might go wrong. They’re excited about what if it goes right? What if this happens? And just staying focused on that. So for me, my husband just turned 40 a couple weeks ago, so I feel like he’s still a spring chicken and so for us it just yeah, it just, it- it’s never a thought in my mind that it’s not possible. It’s just h- when will it happen, like, how long will it take?
Jamie: Yeah. I get a lot of anxiety right before I start my period too.
Kezia: Yeah.
Jamie: Am I? Am I? Am I?
Kezia: Yeah.
Jamie: Very all-consuming. Okay. Our next question, let’s start with Mandy, is how has this journey changed how you see yourself as a woman, a partner, and future mom?
Mandy: I think it’s more I feel connected with that whole, the divine feminine, like that women have been having babies for thousands of years, and when did we put an age limit on it? I think it is awesome and exciting to show women that they don’t have to cram everything in their 20s.
I think it just makes me feel more, really in touch with that whole feminine side and the nurturing and the mothering. I think we’re trying to bring back that- village. We want the women, just to go back to women feeling nurtured and loved, and the children having that environment around them. So I think it’s something to be more aware of as we get older that this is something that you can do and that you’ve got more life experience for the kids.
And knowing that your 40s are not some horrible hormonal raging journey that, social media likes to portray. I think it’s just taking back our power, actually.
Jamie: I love it. Carly, what about you?
Carly: It depends on where I am in the month. When you’re in the middle of the month and you’re feeling wonderful and you are like, “I am a spring chicken. I’m 45, not 95.” You just I’m all up for all of this. This is great. I can do anything. You get nearer that, like you say, those couple of days before you have a period, and you are a little bit off the charts and you’re just like, “I’m this decrepit old woman and I can’t do anything, and I’m tired, and my knees hurt when I stand up.”
And it’s like all of that floods back in. You have to restart and that’s fine. But no I do think it’s empowering. Absolutely.
Jamie: That’s perfect. Katya, what about you? How has this journey changed how you see yourself?
Kezia: I feel like this is another chapter in my life. For me, sobriety was, like, the turning point. Choosing to get sober five and a half years ago, I never thought I would get another chance to be a mom.
I actually never thought I would get married. I was never married to my daughter’s father. I just, I feel like my whole life I’ve been, quote, “late bloomer” or whatever people call it. I don’t like that term, something like that. I chose to travel instead of go to university right away. I lived overseas in England. I traveled all around the world. I did all those things, and then I brought that experience into… I was 33 when Harper was born, and then I was almost 42 when Tristan was born, and I just feel like my life is not over yet. I am just getting started in this part of my life and in this chapter, and it helps me to… see myself as without an age attached to myself, if that makes sense. I’m just like I am a soul on this journey, and I intend to take all the joy and beauty that I can from it, and it doesn’t matter what someone tells me.
I don’t care. I just don’t… I don’t need to hear that, and I’ve made that very clear to a lot of people in my life. I think that’s what’s changed this time is the tenacity to just stay the course.
Jamie: That’s perfect.
Mandy: First of all, I want to say congratulations to Kezia on getting sober. I think that is amazing. So well done.
Kezia: Thank you.
Mandy: That is awesome. Thanks. When Carly said about the hormones of when you’re ovulating you feel really happy, and then your period’s coming, you don’t. I think when you’re younger, we try and fight that. And I know definitely since turning 40, I now go with the flow of my cycle.
I feel great today. We’re gonna do this, and coming up to the period or on my period, I know I’m not great. So I’m just gonna stay away from the world, avoid people, and look after myself. I think that’s a big thing when you get older, instead of fighting the flow of the hormones, we ride them a little bit.
Yeah. We’re a little bit more fluid with them and just allow our bodies and ourselves to do what needs to be done.
Jamie: No, that’s great. I don’t even think I had the self-awareness of my cycle and hormones when I was in my 20s. No. I just had no idea.
Mandy: Same.
Jamie: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Carly, you are up. With emotionally, how has this been for you? I know your husband has given you a little pressure, but do you have any other pressure about your age?
Carly: No, I don’t think so. My cycles are still the same that they were when I was 35. Nothing’s changed since I’ve had these last couple of children. I believe it can still be done.
It’s a very private thing. My husband I don’t think he has pressure on me. He has pressure on the situation. He’s very much a, “I’m 47 and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” whereas I’m like, “I’m only 46, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” And sometimes that will collide. So it’s a very up-and-down feeling each month. Yeah. Fingers crossed it works.
Jamie: Katia, what about you? Emotionally, how has it been for you? Are you feeling pressure because of your age?
Kezia: Emotionally, pregnancy and trying to conceive in my 40s has been a bit of a rollercoaster, I think for the reasons that I touched on with the miscarriage and then just the general … it’s forced me to look at parts of myself that I didn’t wanna look at. It’s forced me to be vulnerable in situations where I didn’t want to.
I didn’t wanna have emergency surgery two weeks ago. I didn’t know what was going on. I was in the ER terrified. Turns out that pain is equivalent to being in labor, and it was for me from Saturday till Wednesday. So- Oh … until they gave me morphine, and I was like, I don’t even- I hate taking anything.
I had to advocate for myself the whole time, ’cause I was just like, something is not right. For me, I still am, I’m good in the process. I think Mandy said earlier, like, when I look at my life when I’m 85, I don’t wanna look back and be like, man, I listened to those idiots that said that 45 was too old to have a- no thank you.
That’s not going to be my life. I wanna look back, and if it didn’t work, okay, it didn’t work, but I can say, man, we tried everything and it just wasn’t what was gonna happen for us, and I think that I could rest easy with. I’ll always have this thought in the back of my mind man, I really wanted to give Tristan a sibling, and I just didn’t do it.
Jamie: Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Mandy, what about you? Emotionally, how has this journey been for you?
Mandy: I would say probably it’s quite emotional. We went into it very, if it happens. If it doesn’t. We’ll be totally fine. And then when it doesn’t happen, you get your periods every month, you do get a little bit sad.
I know I was 20 years younger, but I guess because it did happen easier for me when I was younger, you think why is it not happening so easily n- now? It really hasn’t been that long, so from when we could start trying. Because a vasectomy reversal, you actually have to wait several months before they will let you start trying to get rid of old sperm, damaged sperm, whatever all that is. So it’s quite a wait.
I thought, oh, we’ll be fine. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. And then I made the mistake of only being, like, a d- day or two late on a period a couple of months ago and did a test, and it came back positive, so I was all super excited. And then a couple of days later I got my period, and I was quite upset.
And then I was frustrated that I was upset, because I promised myself I wouldn’t get upset. So yeah. So I guess it’s telling myself it’s okay to be upset, and that everything happens in the right timing, and yeah, still trying to stay positive. And then, like what Kylie was saying, was when you ovulate, you’re like, “This is it. It’s gonna happen.” You’re so happy. You’re on this high. And then I guess it’s reminding myself, though, that we have those highs and lows even when we’re not trying for a baby, with our periods. So trying not to focus on that.
I try not to be aware of the age, but it’s still in the back of your head a little bit, it is still there. But yeah, I think doing okay. I’m not too distraught yet, but if it, hasn’t happened in a few months, let’s see. But yeah, I do get a little teary sometimes when the period comes, and wish I didn’t, but I can’t seem to control that one. I’m sure you can all relate.
Carly: I don’t think we ever can. Yeah. Yeah. You’re invested- … and it doesn’t matter if you see that the two lines, or whether you are just a day late, or whether you’re just feeling all the feels your brain is planning. It’s already- Yeah … there investing in this child that may be. And you can’t help it.
Absolutely. When that period comes, it is insane. My cycles are everywhere. When I was younger, even when I first came off the pill, it was anything from 32 to 46 days. It was nuts. Really couldn’t track things like that. And now, if I have a day, because now I know when I’m ovulating and I’m doing the tracking- if I go past those 14 days, it’s oh my God, w- and you’re you’ve already… Your head has decided that you are pregnant- Yeah … that it’s all gonna work. You’re gonna be bringing this child home in nine months time. You’ve got this vision of, passing this baby around your family, and everyone’s celebrating, and then bam, gone in an instant, and you can’t control that. You can’t control what that feels like.
Jamie: Yeah. Even though we aren’t really trying, and I was late three days- I think- … even though I got a negative, it would… There’s still your heart just…
Kezia: Yeah.
Jamie: Okay. I… it’s still disappointing. It’s so weird. Why? Yeah. But yeah.
Kezia: That’s a sign. It tells you that- you would be really happy.
Jamie: Yeah. Yeah. That’s true. Our next one is Kecha, if you want to start with that one. A lot of these, like we already talked about, like being open with friends, I think we’ve talked about that. Yeah. What helps us through, we’ve talked about that.
Kezia: Yeah.
Jamie: When we wake up, we haven’t talked about that. When you wake up, what’s the first thing, what’s the first thought you have about trying to conceive? Is it data, hope, worry, or something else?
Kezia: Gosh I honestly think it depends on the day. I do, as part of like my morning mindset, I try to start my day in gratitude every single day because those like first few seconds and minutes of your day really set the tone for the rest of it.
I try and choose gratitude for something or a situation I already have here, and that just naturally flows into allowing you to be open to receive abundance in other areas of your life, right?
The first thing I would think about. I’d be like, “Okay, should I, hold my pee for a little bit or go go and do my ovulation strip now?” Whatever. And like when we were trying after we’d had the miscarriage, and my husband and I hadn’t really communicated about how it had affected him, it had affected him more than I realized, and he was getting upset seeing like the ovulation sticks in the trash, and he was just like, “I didn’t know we were, like, trying.”
And I was like what do you mean you d-…” It was just the, one of those things where we hadn’t communicated. I think this whole journey has brought us so far from the people who were trying then when I was 40 to now when I’m 44. We’ve been through so many things to get to the point of getting our baby here and all that.
So I think that, to come back to what you said about the morning, though I think really you have to just for me, I have to start in that gratitude space from the get-go because it just, your brain wants to take you back to old patterns and things that happened the day before and autopilot and all this stuff.
And while it’s great to have that routine, when it comes to your mindset, you have to really watch because your mind is tricky. It’s the same with me with drinking. My mi- my brain can be like you used to have fun. You could just have one.” No, I cannot just have one, right? That’s a lie. So there’s a lot of things that your brain tells you that are not true.
Jamie: Yeah. Mandy, what about you? What is the first thing you think of when you wake up about trying to conceive?
Mandy: It’s a little bit crass, but what, when are we gonna have sex today? At the end of the day, that now- … that’s gonna happen. So it’s like trying to work out with my husband what his day looks like, what my day looks like.
Are we fitting it in the morning, or is it gonna be before my son gets home, or at, at night? So I guess that is what’s in the back of my head, and then where I’m at in my cycle we need to make sure it’s today or, yeah. That probably, to be honest, is it, is because at the end of the day, if we’re not having sex, I’m not gonna fall pregnant, yeah.
Jamie: You have to schedule it sometimes. Yeah. You have to figure out where to fit two.
Mandy: Am I relaxed today? Is my day gonna be a- … a stress-free day or a relaxed day? But I, like Katia said, I like to wake I like to get up early, and my hubby knows this, so usually he leaves me with my half hour to myself to have my, take all my supplements, my morning coffee, and sit outside and watch the sun come up. I find that’s, I’m a lot happier when I can start my day off, a lot more relaxed when I can do those things. Yeah. And just have the quiet of the morning, and that sets the tone to have a calm day.
Jamie: Yeah. Carly, what about you? What is the first thing about trying to conceive do you think about in the morning?
Carly: Yeah, at the moment it is it is data. It usually is. It’s is it today? Is it this day? And I like to know that we’re on the same page. He does ask, “Are we nearly at that time or not?” And to be fair, if it is that time, then he’ll know by about 10 o’clock, ’cause I’ll start setting the pace in the morning.
It’s happening tonight. And then, yeah, absolutely, it’s is tonight sex for have a, having a baby, or is it sex for fun, it’s like- so yeah, the- Yeah … it is usually data, but obviously nearing that end of the month you are then thinking, a- about your worry and all of that.
But no, it is usually data at the moment, which doesn’t make for a fun sex life. I, yeah, no.
Jamie: It’s work.
Carly: It is. It’s workbench sex, and that’s the problem. We heard it on MAPS or whatever it was that we were watching a while back, MAPS Australia and it, that’s what they were saying, about the conceiving, it’s workbench sex, and now my husband’s taken up that term as well, and it’s “Are we on the workbench?” And I’m like, “No, dear. We still love each other,”
Mandy: I love that term, workbench.
Jamie: Our next question, Mandy, if you wanna start that one, what kind of support has helped you the most, and what hasn’t?
Mandy: I think that having, when you see doctors and that they’re positive, and people who do know being supportive- Mostly. I think it helps, if you’re around people who are happy for you and supporting you. I definitely think that makes a big difference. Definitely-
Jamie: Who is that for you?
Mandy: … in the past. I guess a couple of my close friends, which is terrible because I also have close friends who don’t know yet. And I guess I don’t say anything because just if it doesn’t happen, I still have my friends then who don’t know about it and I don’t get their pity. Does that make sense?
I’ve got the friends who are having children in their 40s or wish they were having children in their 40s that know, and then I have some really close friends who, they saw me go through a lot, so I don’t want them to pity me if it doesn’t happen, and I still wanna have some people to tell surprise to.
Yeah. So but I definitely think that your podcast has been, for me, a big game changer. When I found that, like I go for my walks, my hikes, I listen, I re-listen to stories, and I think any time I start to doubt myself, I just re-listen to your podcast. So thank you. I think that it’s such a huge support.
Obviously, my husband is super supportive.
I’ve had a few friends I’ve gone to say something to and then they’ve gone, “Oh, I ran into the other day. Do you know that they had a baby?” And I’d be like, “I have heard they’ve had a baby,” in their 40s. And one friend the other day goes, “Who the F would wanna do that?” Yeah.
Jamie: Oh, no.
Mandy: So I, all i’m not saying anything. Oh, she’s a great friend, but yeah, she was like, “Who the F would wanna do that?” So then I’m like, I won’t share that.
Jamie: Yeah. No, I get it. There’s some people that-
Mandy: Yeah
Jamie: just aren’t fit for that support role.
Mandy: Yes. Yes.
Jamie: Carly, what about you? What has been the biggest support, and what hasn’t?
Carly: I think really the support at the moment, as I say, because nobody knows does tend to come from, like you say, podcasts, listening to positive birth stories and success stories over 40.
In a practical sense, if we are both on the same page and, my husband knows that today is the day, in all honesty, actually initiating that to happen makes me feel supported because it means I’m not constantly saying, “It’s this day. It’s this day,” or trying to, make things happen without him going, “Seriously? Is it today? I didn’t know what day it was,” so it’s nice having that level of support.
Where we’ve told people before, sometimes you do get a very positive reaction. Ironically, mainly the kids, the other children particularly the older children they’re far more excited than anyone else when you tell them there’s gonna be another one. Probably that’s ’cause they don’t live with them. I don’t know. But that’s all … positive.
We’ve also had miscarriages and then told people, and in all honesty, I would’ve expected more. I’m not expecting people to come rallying round you, but I was quite surprised at the, “Oh, dear.” It really left me quite torn, and it’s just because you have a child or you have children, it’s almost like it’s not so much of a loss.
So I think that negativity has been carried through this time. So no, that’s part of obviously why some people don’t know. It’s a lot to shoulder if it doesn’t work. But then you know which people to go to. You know where you can get the support you actually need. Yeah.
I think for my husband, we are quite supportive. Coming from his Greek heritage, big families are fine. It’s not frowned upon, obviously or thought of as completely crazy. They just ask him if we own a TV, but other than that, it’s he gets that level of support from the fun that we try to make of it rather than anything else. But it is hard going. It is hard going sometimes.
Jamie: And Ketsia, what about you? What kind of support has helped the most, and what hasn’t?
Kezia: Honestly, I don’t have a lot of in-person support around this. I think it’s just a couple of things just due to, I live in a different country from my family. My parents are in their late 70s and in- At least my mom’s eyes we’re done. My mother and father-in-law, they’re 20 years younger than my parents, and I know my mother-in-law would love another grand baby.
I’ve had to find support through online spaces, to be honest. I had this realization about six months ago on my Facebook that there was no more people in my class that were, like, announcing babies anymore. I just didn’t realize that was done. But there’s a, definitely this realization that you wake up and you’re like, “Oh, everybody’s done having their kids.” And so I just, I found that in online spaces. I found when I … ‘Cause I was exclusively pumping, I found a really good pumping and nursing top and that woman has created this huge community in her space.
And I found, just I guess places like that, you have to seek it out a little bit. But nothing … I don’t have it in person-
Jamie: Yeah … at all.
Kezia: And I think it’s just, yeah, me moving and then me getting sober. I had to shed a bunch of people I thought were my friends- … but they were not my friends. But that was a big realization in my late 30s, was like, “Okay, I really am starting over.” And there’s something empowering and also very vulnerable about that. And I think you carry that into your journey to try to conceive and to parenthood, beyond 40.
Jamie: Definitely. Our next question is, even if you’re still in the middle of it, what’s one thing you’ve learned about your own strength in the last few months that has surprised you?
Carly, you wanna go first?
Carly: Are you as resilient as you think you are? I … You bounce back every month. You bounce back, and it’s surprising. I didn’t think I would. You get this impression from a lot of other people that you’re, you get beaten down with this. And of course you feel that. You internalize it every month, but you are right back up there by the middle of the month.
You are … Yeah, we’re a lot more resilient than I think we are. Definitely.
Jamie: Katia, what about you?
Kezia: Same thing. I was watching the Eric Dane famous last words interview last night, and they talked about the difference between resilience and perseverance, and when you said that, Carly, made me think about.
People have always used about me is tenacity or tenacious. If you tell me I can’t do something, I actually am gonna go out of my way to do it. If it serves me, obviously, right? But I just don’t take the status quo. In the past few months, I knew there was something going on in my body with this cyst, but I had no idea that’s what it was.
I had known, and in one sense, I wish I had done something sooner. But through this whole process, now I realize that you really, as women, you can trust your inner knowing and your intuition. I think that’s one of our strongest compasses that we have, and it’s something that we really should tap into more. I think that’s what I’ve realized in the past few months, is that I can trust myself to know what’s going on with my body.
Jamie: Awesome. Mandy, what about you? What’s the one thing you’ve learned- I- … about your own strength?
Mandy: I guess I’ve already gone through a lot of hell, is the best way to say it. So I’ve already survived a lot of things that I really did not think I was going to get through. I guess it’s… the way to describe is feeling like that you’re in a big, dark hole, and you’re trying to pull yourself out, and all that’s happened is more dirt’s falling down on you.
So I’ve been in that place in my life before where I really thought I wasn’t going to get through the hell I was enduring. So then it doesn’t seem the same. Not to take away from it it’s still definitely a bit of a journey, but and it still sometimes knocks you for a six when… I don’t know if that’s a saying you guys know.
But when you get a period, you might get a little bit set back. But it’s- I just, I think I have become a lot stronger over the years and a lot more resilient from everything else I’ve gone through. The older I get the more determined I am to go, “Yes, I can do it, and I am going to show you, and I’ve overcome so much already, and I’m going to keep growing and overcoming things.”
Jamie: Yeah. What keeps you going through the hard days? Mandy?
Mandy: Oh, I would definitely s- my partner. Like I know I’m lucky. I would say him on the hard days. I think honestly having a supportive partner in life is life’s lottery, I think. Having experienced the other way before, definitely there is such a huge difference. If you’re within a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, that is the ultimate goal in life, and a baby would be a nice bonus.
Jamie: Yeah. Yeah. Carly, what about you? What keeps you going on the hard days?
Carly: Yeah I agree. My kids are funny, they’re kind, they’re witty. We’re not, this crazy bunch of rowdy nutters. I say, comic relief from my husband, or however you like to put it, that’s what you need. That’s how you come back. You have to find your people.
Kezia: Yeah.
Jamie: Nitya, what about you? What keeps you going on the hard days?
Kezia: I definitely think a lot of times, ’cause I s- I’m home with our son all day every day, and my husband works day and night right now, and I think just being with him and seeing, his face at the end of what I went through to get him here.
And also there was some negativity around the age gap between him and my daughter, right? So some people would be like, “Oh,” just whatever. And seeing the two of them together now and capturing some of these moments of tenderness and of just love that and joy that they share, I’m like how could you not? Something so pure about it, and I think that is, what quiets the noise, is just realizing that my intention and my heart behind it is pure. There’s nothing I’m trying to prove by doing this, if that makes sense.
I mean is I’ve wanted this whole time. This has always been the goal, and I feel like my life, like I said, didn’t … This life didn’t start until I was almost 40, and you can’t tell me I get four years and then I’m done. You know what I mean? So I think just yeah, just my kids. And my husband’s amazing, too. That’s a big part of it, ’cause he can be my hype man.
I’ll tell him if I need that from him that day more than usual. I’ll be like, “I’m feeling…” We’re pretty honest with each other now, where I’m like, “I’m just feeling pretty low today.” And he is- Yeah … good at trying to lift my spirits.
Jamie: I love that. Our next question is, how do you balance realism with optimism? Carly, you wanna start with that one?
Carly: I’d like to say fight the realism sometimes. You have to face it, the likelihood is it will be harder in your 40s. But do you know what? Put your crown on and hope for the best, you’re gonna do whatever. If you’ve made that decision, you’re gonna do whatever it takes to better your chances. Today that’s being put that way ’cause today we need the optimism.
Jamie: Yeah, Mandy, what about you? How do you balance the realism with optimism?
Mandy: I try and stay on the optimistic side if I can. If I do find myself coming down into a little bit of a, “Have I left this too late? Am I too old?” mindset, if I’ve let myself get in that little funk the realism side I focus on is that my grandmother on my dad’s side, her first child was in like 19- she was 19 or 20, and she had six children, with her last two being in her 40s.
Then I’m like that is reality. My grandma had two healthy babies in her 40s. Not that anyone ever spoke about it, but she did. So I guess then that tries to keep it, help keep me optimistic too. This was her reality. This is in my genes that this has happened.
Jamie: Yeah. Yeah. Katia, what about you?
Kezia: A lot of what they said. I think really at the very least, all of these things that we’re doing to improve our chances of conceiving, at the end of the day, they’re making us healthier and happier anyway.
Yeah. So I think regardless, you will go into whatever the outcome is down the road having a better … being set up better to receive that. And so I think, and I like what Mandy said about having this kind of not a backup plan, but this other life can still be good if we have to do it a different way.
And I think that ability to pivot is so key to the whole journey anyway because there’s gonna be a lot of pivots and a lot of times where something might look like a setback, but really it was just a redirection, and you’re still going to get to the end point of the goal that you’re trying to achieve.
So it is … It just comes down to that at what point do you wanna keep going and keep doing it and keep trying and keep as a couple, being a team through it all too I think really helps. So it’s … But there’s some days the realism, like I said at the beginning of the conversation, was like some days, like with any type of social media, I just have
I spend a lot of my time on social media for like work and stuff, and I just need to turn things off sometimes.
Now I’m like I’ve survived. Mandy said, I’ve survived so many things. I’ve been through a whole different life. Carly said about like ex-husbands and stuff. Like we have been through a lot as women, and we are fully capable of going through this as well. My grandmother also had children in her 40s. My grandfather passed away one week before he was 100. I don’t know where 40 suddenly became this magic age where you’re decrepit and, on the other side.
Like, when people say midlife, I’m like, “But we’re not … I plan to live to be 100, so how am I in midlife?” I’m like, “Who’s in midlife?”
Jamie: Exactly. That’s perfect.
Kezia: Yeah.
Jamie: Okay, so we are gonna wrap up to our conclusion questions. All right. Katia, what do you think is different about trying to conceive over 40 than in 30s or 20s?
Kezia: I think it’s those things that we said is there is going to be, for various reasons, more outside opinion about what you’re trying to do, and that can be from people you personally know, but also just a big part of it is society in general. And I think that it’s crazy to me because you could have someone in their 20s could have less of a chance of getting pregnant than I do for whatever d- whatever reason, right? And I think that just assuming that because someone, a woman is in her 40s, that she has – a lesser chance than when she was in her 30s or 20s just really isn’t true, right? There’s so much nuance to that situation. So I think that is different.
And then, like Mandy was saying, is like it’s more intentional, it becomes I don’t wanna say a project, but it really is a big, … it’s like a big content pillar for me of this fertility journey and this journey to conceive. I have to think about it as being an important part of my life, not just something like, “Oh, if it happens.” We’re either doing this or we’re not doing it, I think before that I went off birth control many years ago, but my daughter was not planned, and I think with Tristan, having gone through planning to conceive him and everything that came after that, it was that intentionality behind it.
Jamie: Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Carly, what about you? What do you think is different about trying to conceive over 40 than 30s and 20s?
Carly: Yeah, mainly the intent. It is the intent. It’s education as well. You find- … yourself educating yourself on how to do this, how to do it well, how to do it efficiently how to get the best out of yourself and the situation and making your chances as high as they can be.
But do you know what? Educating is, like they said, you are coming out of this better yourself. Whether it works or not, you’re still going to be bettering yourself. These vitamins, these positive physical changes that you’re making, they are going to better you anyway, but definitely educating.
I found that in birth as well, actually. The older you get, the more you educate yourself on- what you’re being told and what you can actually do. And yeah, education seems to be key about this for us anyway.
Jamie: Yeah. Mandy, you have anything to add?
Mandy: Yeah, I think what the girls have said is right. It’s definitely like the intention and you definitely have to put a little bit more probably effort into it than when you were younger. And also, like Carly said, definitely education. So when you’re young, like when I, I fell pregnant first time at 24, so you don’t question anything. You do what the doctors tell you. You probably don’t really have a voice.
Whereas being older, you do your own research. I’m definitely a lot fitter and a lot healthier than when I was younger because once I had my children I worked in gyms and taught fitness. I didn’t even run before I was age 29. So I think it’s a lot more of that intention of being healthy, being active, and being more aware of my body and more aware of what I’m putting into it.
I would just say that definitely being older you’re a lot more wiser and you have a lot more knowledge available to make informed decisions and about your lifestyle and about what you eat or what you do.
Jamie: Yeah. Our next question is what do you wish you had known before you started trying? Mandy, you wanna take that one?
Mandy: I wish I knew that the vasectomy reversal wasn’t like how they get it done and two weeks later you can have sex and make babies. So I didn’t- maybe we would’ve done that a few years earlier if we had of known that. It can take quite a few months, and then it also takes time for the sperm to get stronger and healthier.
I didn’t know so much about the endometriosis and adenomyosis when I was younger. So yeah, I wish I knew more about my body when I was younger, definitely I would say that, and had a lot more education instead of doctors fobbing you off “All women get their periods.” I wish I knew all those things when I was younger.
Jamie: Carly, what about you? What do you wish you had known before you started trying to conceive?
Carly: Preparation. You can better your chances. Not, doesn’t mean it will work- Yeah … but you can better your chances. If you give yourself a bit of time before you try to do this, you really can make it easier or better and up those chances. And do you know what? The other thing is you’re not alone- you feel quite alone Somebody suddenly thinks, “Oh, you’re over 40. Why are you doing that?” Or, “You already got children. Why are you doing that? Why would you want to start again?” But do you know what? The number of people that are, you are not alone.
Jamie: Yeah. That’s perfect. Ketzia, what about you?
Kezia: Similar to what Mandy had said about I wish I knew more about my body. There’s been a lot of times in this journey where, in the last five years, where I’ve gotten pissed off about if I had known that I needed the D&C, then we would’ve conceived Tristan sooner.
Had I … You know- … all of these kind of, they’re regrets, and I don’t like to live in that head space, so I don’t most days. But there’s some days that I just think, my husband and I both agree, like we feel that we were robbed of certain things because we weren’t given the proper information at the time that we needed, and I think I’m grateful for the education that I have now.
A lot of it is self-taught, and talking to other women, and talking to people who haven’t settled for no or taken no for an answer, or it’s too late or whatever. So I think yeah, I just have, I wish I had known … I didn’t know any of that. I honestly didn’t know I needed … I don’t know if everyone needed the, a D&C, but I didn’t know that, and I didn’t know what ovulation strips were.
I didn’t know how to pump exclusively, but you know what? I figured it out ’cause I’ve had to and ’cause I wanted to, right? Yeah. So yeah, just that kind of body stuff, and what’s, what we’re actually capable of as women is so much greater than what they would have us believe. So- Yeah.
Jamie: That’s perfect. And our next question is what do you have to say for the other women trying to conceive over 40? Carly, you wanna take that one?
Carly: You do whatever works for you. That’s what you need to tell them. Do what works for you. If you are happy, just I’m gonna call it playing along. I- see if this works. See if it doesn’t. Then that’s fine for you. If you wanna go down the routes of taking all the vitamins you can, running every day, if that works for you, do that. If you decide you want to go straight down the route of IUI or something like that route is for you. You do whatever you need to do. You’re never gonna please everybody else. That’s the advice. You have to do what works for you.
Jamie: Mandy, what do you have to say to other women trying to conceive over 40?
Mandy: I think the big thing is to sit and think about where you wanna be when you’re 80 years old and what regrets you’ll have in life or not have. And if you would see yourself as that lady going, “I wish I had more children,” go for it. “I wish I had a child in my 40s,” go for it.
We need women to know that, to step back into their power and know that this is possible, and ignore whatever the hell’s happened in the last few decades where they’ve tried to convince us it’s not possible.
Definitely do that, and you think about that little old lady and where you wanna be in life. No regrets. You go for it, and you do whatever you need to do to make it happen. If that’s a sperm donor, egg donor, IVF, a fling with someone, like you do whatever you need to do to make that happen.
Jamie: Perfect. Katya, what do you have to say to other women who are trying to conceive over 40?
Kezia: Trust yourself. Like I was saying, trust your intuition, trust your knowing, trust that pull to do this. There’s a reason why- Yeah … this is on your heart, right? There’s a reason why you wake up and you dream about it, and you wake up and you think, “Man, I can’t shake this.”
For a long time, I thought, “Oh we can’t have another one. We can’t afford it. We can’t…” So many things, and yet every day I would wake up, and that was what I was thinking of. And it wasn’t that it was an obsession. It was like it was just something that was always there running in the background.
And so I think my greatest, wish is that women trusted their intuition, at the very least to have that conversation with your husband or your partner and be like, “Look, I actually, I don’t think I’m done. I think that this is something that I need to know for myself whether it could be possible for us.”
Do what you need to do and what works for you because it’s going to be different for everyone. And if you have a situation, guaranteed Jamie’s probably had someone on the podcast who has had that similar situation to you. Go and listen to her story and be like…
That’s how it was when I got sober. I needed to see other moms, other women doing this- … ’cause society was like, “Gosh, it’s okay to drink every weekend. It’s okay to be hungover every weekend and hate your life on Monday and have Sunday scaries.” And I was like, I needed to hear people who said there was joy in life on the other side, and I think that applies to this journey, too.
Jamie: That’s perfect. And Katya, what should we be discussing more about trying to conceive over 40 that we haven’t discussed today?
Kezia: Gosh, that’s a good one. I really, I just think this idea of a one timeline for everyone and saying one- it’s not the same for everyone, and it’s not … At the end of the day, it’s up to you at what point and how many methods and how many ways that you try to make this happen for you.
I think we need to talk more about offering support for women, whatever, however far they decide to take that journey. Not being like okay, it’s okay until you’re 50, and then if you’re over f- …” No, okay, that’s, there are women who are over 50 who are trying.
Right? And just finding that little niche and really putting those stories out there like what you’re doing, I just think that’s incredibly important because it gives hope to this process and to this journey. And I think that’s what we need to talk more about, is just there’s no timeline.
Jamie: Yeah.
Kezia: There isn’t.
Jamie: Yeah. Carly, what about you? What should we be discussing about trying to conceive over 40 that we haven’t discussed today?
Carly: I think, again I agree with that totally. You’ve got to have some form of support system.
But I think, I, again, I touched on it earlier, I think that the cliff edge. Every month I talk about this cliff edge. And obviously it seems to happen periodically, but obviously you’ve got the cliff edge after ovulation, where you’re “Oh my goodness, what’s happened?” And then obviously your second cliff edge when you’re the day before the period where you’re just a bit off the charts.
But having that result, once you’ve gone past that day, there are so many people who don’t have a support for whatever that shows. And I do think we have to talk about that because, like I said, when you have already invested in something that is there or isn’t there, what happens to you after that is it’s really solitary.
I’ve found a couple of pregnancy tests that I’ve done, very alone finding that information out, and it is a really solitary process those times. And yeah, talking about that, it is really important. And finding a forum, again, like this, because everything that you feel there is completely normal.
It doesn’t matter what that outcome says, it is really normal. And we talk about this quite quietly. It was negative and I felt really sad, and you don’t give yourself grace for the fact that you should be able to feel sad. Definitely talking about the results as well and how you go forwards the next month.
Jamie: Yeah. That’s perfect. Mandy, what about you?
Mandy: Yeah, I think both ladies had really valid points there. And also maybe I do know some of the podcasts that there are a lot of women who have had losses and miscarriages.
S- so maybe a suggestion is the best way that those women feel that they could have been supported better or what needs weren’t met to help you get through that. So maybe a little bit on that on ways to deal with a negative result or the losses, like women talking about what helps them cope or what they wish other people had offered them in their support system.
And also too, everything’s always on not you in this podcast personally, but in general over 40 trying to fall pregnant, it’s generally always about us women, our health, what we’re doing. There’s never very much focus on the men. And I s- think that may be interesting to know. I know some women it’s sperm donors and things like that, but what the partners are doing to be healthier or to, make their sperm as viable as possible.
So yeah, maybe just a little bit more on the support for the losses and kinda like what partners are doing to also help, because it shouldn’t just be straight on all the women all the time. It takes an egg and a sperm, 50/50, to make a baby.
Jamie: That’s right. Ladies, that wraps up all of our questions. Would y’all like to share your contact information and where can women connect with you? Mandy, you wanna start that?
Mandy: Yeah. So I’m on Instagram under funinthe sun1. It is set to private, but if you DM me and let me know that you heard of me through this podcast, I will happily accept you.
Jamie: Awesome.
Mandy: Yeah.
Jamie: Carly, what about you?
Carly: We are all lowercase, mrs_moo_1. Again, I will well assume that I’m set onto private, but again, I’m more than happy for anyone to DM, that’s fine.
Jamie: Awesome. Kezia, what about you?
Kezia: Mine is not set to private. I’m on Instagram at thekeziahaynes, all lowercase, so the and then K-E-Z-I-A H-A-Y-N-E-S. And yeah, I’m on there with a bunch of different things. I’ll happily accept- Yay … anyone- … who sends me a message, though. Definitely let me know if you follow in case I miss it, because I wanna connect more in this community.
Jamie: Yeah. Ladies, thank you so much for sharing your stories and experiences. And baby dust to everybody.
Mandy: Thank you. Bye. Thanks, ladies. Same to you all.