After a “renaissance” year of self-discovery led her to the love of her life, Victoria faced the bittersweet reality of pregnancy over 40 marked by both heartbreak and hope. From navigating the PTSD of miscarriage to “hiring” her medical team for a powerful birth, she shares how resilience and research paved her path to motherhood at 44.
On episode 14, Victoria Lato Dunker hit a “renaissance” year at 40—a season of intentional reconnection with herself that unexpectedly led her to the love of her life and a new path toward motherhood. A former flight attendant and actor, Victoria shares the incredible story of meeting her husband and the “voice from above” that told her he was the one. However, the road to her daughter wasn’t without its shadows; Victoria speaks candidly about the heartbreak of miscarriage and the “50/50” philosophy of life that helped her find beauty in the contrast between joy and loss.
In this episode, we dive deep into the physical and emotional realities of being a “New Mommy at 40,” including the PTSD that often follows pregnancy loss and the anxiety of the first trimester. Victoria discusses her smooth but active pregnancy—walking six miles at eight months pregnant—and the importance of “hiring” your medical team to ensure your birth plan is respected. From navigating a C-section in a New York hospital to her current journey with IVF and managing PCOS, Victoria’s story is a masterclass in resilience, research, and the many different roads that lead to parenthood.
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- Instagram: @newmommyat40
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Transcript:
Victoria: Uh, my name is Victoria Lato Dunker. I am 44. I’ll be 45. This, uh, upcoming year. Oh, can’t believe that’s happening. Uh, and I am married, uh, to my dear husband, um, of three years. And we have a almost 3-year-old who is, um. The light of our world.
I am originally from Brooklyn, New York of, um, Haitian descent and, um, living, uh, up here in the, in the northeast now and living in New York. And, um, I have a huge um. Well, I have my experience as a, as an actor for over 20 years and also working in aviation where I really got to learn about humanity. Have all kind of put.
I think come together now, um, all of my talents and gifts in, uh, terms of podcasting and starting the podcast because I wanted to create a, a space for people who were starting or going through parenthood as a, you know, in an older. Time of their lives. ’cause I just didn’t really see it in my community of people who were over, uh, 40.
Everyone was a little younger than me and I, I was tired of being, uh, the secret older person at the, in the mommy group.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: I had to reveal myself. I’m like, I’m 44, and they’re like, what? Yeah, I’m just really happy to be with you here. And Jamie, I think what you’re doing is amazing too, and there’s just, it’s this, it’s, it’s really important to bring some hope and inspiration, uh, to those who are looking to start their families in this age.
Uh, it’s becoming more of the norm and I think it’s something to be celebrated and supported. And I’m, I’m happy to be here.
Jamie: Yeah. I actually forgot to welcome you to the podcast, so welcome. Okay. And thank you, and I totally get it. All my girlfriends, I was just talking to one of my girlfriends last night and she’s like, Ugh, I could never even think about having kids right now.
I’m like, thank you, thank you. That makes me feel so great.
Victoria: It’s like, um, that’s all I’m thinking about because I’m in that frame, you know, that time of my life where it’s now or never, you know, or at least in the traditional sense of. Actually giving birth with our own eggs and having a child. Mm-hmm. But what we celebrate too, um, and explore on new Mommy at 40 is that there are so many roads to parenthood and if you really, truly find it within yourself that you have to be a parent.
Like it’s something that you really, really want to do if you’re willing to open up. Uh, your perspective on the road to get there.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: You can still do it.
Jamie: Yeah.
Victoria: It’s just kind of letting go. Changing your, your, you know, your expectations of the dream that you had of it being one certain way. And then the more we talk to each other and get to know, you know, and meet people, you find, oh, that’s how you became a mom.
Oh, that’s interesting. I never thought about that. Oh, egg donation of this. You know, it’s just, it opens. That’s why it’s really good to have the community and the conversations.
Jamie: Definitely. I love that. And I love how our community and listeners are kind of overlapping. But we still kind of have our own niche.
I love it. I think it’s, I think it’s beautiful that we get to help people.
Victoria: Yeah. Well it’s, you know, motherhood Parenthood is just, it’s, it has so many layers.
Jamie: Yeah.
Victoria: Literally, if we took the time, and not just for us, in, in our ages, just in general, we could have 200 different types of podcasts and community, you know, forums for all the different layers.
That pile up to be parenthood. Mm-hmm. And motherhood. So there’s room for everyone at the table.
Jamie: That’s right. I truly believe that too. So let’s get into your story. Take it away.
Victoria: I, I was 30 something and I was thinking about getting pregnant. ’cause I actually was, I was married when I was 27. Mm-hmm. And I definitely thought it would happen then.
But in that relationship it was clear that we just had different, um. Goals at the time that just weren’t conducive to starting a family. We had a lot of things that we had to settle individually, just in career and where we were living, keeping money in the bank, you know? Mm-hmm. If we were always trying to move to another, a apart apartment that’s a little cheaper because we can’t afford the rent is not a good time to start talking about kids.
So, and then after that marriage, um, ended, I got into another relationship, another, um, long-term relationship, about eight years that I thought was it, and we were going in that direction. And towards the end there, we were not on the same page. So I, I think sometimes people see us, uh, you know, in our ages and they think, well, what are you waiting for?
Mm-hmm. It’s like, well, stability in my relationship is one, two, just. You know, for the, you know, the right relationship. Uh, and sometimes we think we’re, we are in the right space and it just doesn’t work out. So it’s not for a lack of trying, it just wasn’t meant to to be for me. And I ended up a lot of us, um, I was in aviation as well, uh, for a long time, like 16 years where I was a flight attendant.
I did everything in the airline, but basically fly the plane. And I ended my career between half flight attendant, half manager. Of, uh, a group of flight attendants, like a hundred flight attendants. And it, we always have this story like, you talk to someone who gets into aviation, especially the flight attendant world, and everyone is kind of pseudo running away from something or running towards something.
And I remember thinking. When that relationship with the, my husband didn’t work out. I was working at the airport and I’m like, next thing I’m doing is I’m flying. I go and I fly and I meet that guy in that job and then I’m, and then it’s over and I’m like, I’m going somewhere else. So for me, flying actually was like a good distraction to kind of.
Get my mind out of these relationships not working. But then it starts to get, I wouldn’t say lonely, but you start going, when am I? Like, when am I going to just deal with myself? So when I turn 40. Flying became not really as attractive because I wanted my feet on the ground. I was always looking for excuses to be on the ground.
And so my, when my 40th birthday came about, I took a group of women of friends of mine to, um, my parents’ home or their birthplace of Haiti. It’s just a magical place. It’s not everything that you see in the news, but it’s real. There’s just a really magical. Feeling of just having your feet in that ground, you know, just, and I just felt, okay, this 40th year is about reconnection and re renaissance.
Like, that’s what’s gonna happen. Yeah. I’m dating myself. I, I don’t think I’ve, I went from one relationship to another, so I never really took the time to just sit. With me. Mm-hmm. And once I did that that year, I thought, wow, I don’t know if I’ve ever just dated to date. Like, have I ever just had a date?
Just ’cause it’s Tuesday and I just went, have a date and not looking for something serious. Do we have to be like engaged in a year? Just enjoy yourself. And I did and I realized that it just wasn’t as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I just enjoyed my alone time. And then of course, that’s when I would meet my husband because now I’m not looking.
Right.
Jamie: Yeah. That’s how it works.
Victoria: That’s how it works. I wasn’t, I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t putting much thought into it. I just thought, you know, I actually went on these, one of these occasions that I just didn’t feel like flying. I was off for like two weeks and a friend of mine in the neighborhood where I lived in Harlem, in New York said, you know, hey, we have a, a spot for a bartender.
Do you wanna just kind of bartend while you’re. On the ground. I’m like, sure, I get to still meet people. I’ll make money while I’m on vacation from the other job and I’ll meet people. And it was literally the second day of training in this restaurant that was the worst place. It was so bad. And I thought I’d never be able to work here.
I’m just, I’ve, I’m too old to be working in this place. But I said, oh, yeah, I committed to it. And the second day I’m there like 10:00 AM and two guys come in and. I see this one gentleman and I looked at him and this voice from above said, that’s your husband. And I thought, wait, wait a minute. That’s, that’s the weirdest thing.
And it wasn’t. I can tell you he’s a very attractive man. I’m definitely attracted to him, but that it wasn’t, that, it wasn’t based on. What he looked like. It truly was like a feeling like, you need to talk to this person. But I’m training, the girl that was training me was, you know, kind of this hater kind of vibe of she was just, you know, wanting to flirt with everyone who came in.
So I said, you know, and she was like 20 something and I just, you know, I’m not here for that, so I’ll just keep doing my thing. But he must have felt something too, and really. Persisted to have a conversation. It wasn’t flirtatious. It wa it was just literally like, I’m a nice guy. You seem like a nice person.
No, well, I wanna get to know you. And we did, and we didn’t even exchange information from that. That meetup, he stayed for four hours.
Jamie: Did you, were you like serving him drinks? Is that how the conversation started?
Victoria: No, the restaurant wasn’t even really open. The it, the friend that he came in with was a friend of the manager.
Jamie: Oh. So he
Victoria: came pre hours to just get like a coffee and I was just wiping the bar, getting prepared. And he’s like, can I get a hot chocolate? I’m like, who orders a hot chocolate at the bar? But again, it is 11 o’clock Uhhuh. So, okay.
Jamie: He also just wanted to talk to you.
Victoria: Yeah, that was interesting, I thought, okay.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: And he stayed for four hours and um, but he has this rule about not hitting on women in a place that they can’t. Leave like they’re, when they’re forced to kind of talk to you. So that’s why it wasn’t flirtatious. It was just kind of like just talking. And I was intrigued. I wanted to know more, but I didn’t think I’d be able to see him again.
’cause we never exchanged any infor, any information. And so I did a good little Facebook stock
and I found that we had a friend in common. And I said, oh, okay. You know, why not just send him a message? It was nice to meet you. I don’t know when I’ll see you again. I’m, I don’t really work there. It was just kind of moonlighting. Great to meet you. And we just started chatting and texting and, and then one thing led to another to, Hey, you wanna meet up on a next Monday or Friday, like the following Friday.
And that just seemed too far for me. And I was like, Monday and we had our first date and it, we met at six 30. And we literally closed down different restaurants and bars all night. Walked around and it was like 4:00 AM
Jamie: Oh my gosh.
Victoria: And we had so much in common. It was crazy.
Jamie: It was meant to be.
Victoria: Yeah, it was meant to be.
And then we got engaged. A month and a half later, he asked me on a trip, I had a speaking engagement in Aruba and we, we said, you know, if we can travel together.
Jamie: Yeah,
Victoria: that’s a good sign, right? ’cause we’re feeling like this is forever. Right? If we can get through traveling, this might be good. And it was his suggestion, uh, um, about traveling.
And I said, well, I have a trip coming up. Come with me. And day one, day one or day two of that trip, he said, will you marry me? Yes. I’m so glad you asked. Yes, I, I heard this day one and it was just. From there, and we had our, we had our wedding that July, and then our baby was born in 2020.
Jamie: Ooh, tell me about that.
Victoria: Well, we had a miscarriage before her.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: Uh, five weeks prior to her conception. I’m
Jamie: so sorry.
Victoria: I was, thank you. Thank you. It was sad. It was pretty devastating, but at the same time, I had never really tried before in those other relationships. So this was. Hopeful.
Jamie: Yeah, me too. I’ve never tried to get pregnant until this relationship.
I find that mindset so opposite. It’s really interesting.
Victoria: Yeah. Yeah. I just never, we never tried, so I, I knew it, there was a possibility that it would be harder for me because I have PCOS and I have had fibroids surgery, so. I think I just assumed, or maybe I took on energetically that it was gonna be hard.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: And I’m not sure if that’s really conducive any, at any point when you’re trying to conceive of, like already saying in your head that it’s not gonna happen. Mm-hmm. But it was, I’m not saying that that had anything to do with my miscarriage. That’s, you know, that’s never your fault. But it just did feel hopeful.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: There was some hope in that of that it could happen again. So we just kept trying and then. Lo and behold, six weeks later, the pregnancy test was positive and, but the PTSD is very real uhhuh after you’ve had a miscarriage. It took some time for me to really settle in the fact that I was pregnant.
I, it took some time to have faith that it was going to last more than a few weeks. Mm-hmm. I was always traumatized going to the restroom. I’d be looking and just, you know. I’d see a spot and I’m like, oh, here we go. Mm-hmm. Here we go. It’s, I do that every ovulation period. And you know, pregnancy tests are never the same.
The anxiety is just like, is it happen? Okay. It’s not, you know, every period has been like, Ugh, here it is again. It’s just, it was difficult. Yeah. I don’t know when I settled into, it’s happening I think after the genetic testing, so that’s what, like 12, 14 weeks? Um, did I say, oh my gosh. It’s like, it’s real.
I, you know, it’s hard to me that when you’re the vessel, you know, it’s, you know, you know what I mean? It’s, it’s, I just kind of had a small little disassociative disorder I think of like, okay, that’s that here, but I need it to last. To this point for me to really
Jamie: mm-hmm.
Victoria: Accept it in my heart and my head at the same time.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. Like you were trying to protect yourself for 12 weeks.
Victoria: Yeah. Yeah. I needed just in case it was hard not to fall in love with her though.
Jamie: Yeah.
Victoria: I was falling in love with her every day.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: And I was talking to her and singing and. And, you know, at some point I remember thinking, I’m just gonna enjoy as much time as I have, but even that’s not really positive thinking of like, you know.
Yeah. But it, it’s based on my situation. It just was really hard for me. So I had a lot of anxiety. I think. I wish, I, I, I don’t, I know I enjoyed it being pregnant, but it took a while before I really could settle in that 100% joy of this is happening.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: I, I, I probably didn’t really settle into like.
That type of happiness in probably like 6, 6, 6 months and then it was over.
Jamie: So maybe once. Once you were showing, that probably gave you some relief also. That’s true.
The
Victoria: showing was like, ah, there it is. And you know, yes, you’re absolutely right. Showing was big for me. It also meant that other people could see it.
So now other people knew that I was pregnant now and so I hope this, you know, those goes through. ’cause then I have to explain, um, I think the scariest moments were just in times where poor little baby was sleeping. And I’m like, I’ve heard you move and like too long, like you have to please move. And it’s, you know, and my husband would remind me like.
She’s sleeping, probably like leave her alone. Like
Jamie: mm-hmm.
Victoria: You’re right, you’re right. But it was excitement, pure joy. Every time I felt her move, it just settled my heart.
Jamie: Yes.
Victoria: It reassurance. I needed the reassurance.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: So, yeah, that was, um, the pregnancy and, um, it was a relatively smooth pregnancy.
There was a little bit of, um, a scare of my placenta. Was low lying for a while and kind of covering my cervix and they, that’s not a really great position for your placenta to be. So, uh, I think it’s called placenta conve. Mm-hmm. Excuse me. From not saying it right, but it settled, it did move mm-hmm. When it was supposed to, but, um, other than that it was a pretty smooth pregnancy.
Jamie: Tell me, how did you feel during your pregnancy?
Victoria: I felt powerful.
Jamie: Mm,
Victoria: I was, I was very clear on that. This was another generation, you know, especially once I found out that she was a girl, I thought about the lineage of like my grandma and my mom and now, and I’m the eldest of four and the last to have kids.
So I thought, wow. I’m like finally like adding to this amazing legacy. So I just was very. I wanted, I didn’t want her to feel my anxiety. So it was, you know, there were a lot of moments where I would just say, thank you for choosing me and I need to be calm for you because, and I need to settle this. ’cause I don’t want you coming into this world with all this like.
Built up anxiety and ex, you know, energy from just me being uncertain about whether I or not I will be your mom. I, at some point, I had to say, I am going to be your mom. I have to take accountability for that. Mm-hmm. And that means accepting this, I have to accept this. Mm-hmm. And prepare. And once I did that, it was like this weight off of me.
Um, I just felt very mm-hmm. Blessed, I felt like I was chosen by her. And so I was just really humbled by the experience, um
Jamie: mm-hmm.
Victoria: And just lots of gratitude, especially after losing one.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: It was even
Jamie: No doubt, it, it’s, it’s amazing the feeling I’m sure whenever you actually are pregnant after so much loss.
Victoria: Yeah, it is. It is. It’s tug of war sometimes emotionally, but what usually wins over is that I am this vessel. I am a vessel for this life. Get it together. Get it together, and prepare to, to give this little human being the best of you. So,
Speaker 2: mm-hmm.
Victoria: What are you gonna do? Like
Speaker 2: mm-hmm.
Victoria: Get yourself together and prepare yourself to, to love in a way that you’ve never loved before.
Jamie: And let’s talk about how you prepared. I know it sounds like you’re very, um, into being emotionally prepared, but what about physically? Did you prepare physically for your body? Oh,
Victoria: yes.
Jamie: That sort of thing.
Victoria: Yeah. I’m very, um, we’re spiritually, physically connected, uh, to movement. I was doing, uh, prenatal yoga.
I really believed in, in that. For me it was very, uh, helpful. It, it calm the breath. I mean, for many reasons, the breath is the foundation for everything, so I, I felt this was probably preparing my body for delivery as well and would sustain me through my pregnancy. I walked everywhere. That was the benef, the benefit of being in New York City, of just walking everywhere.
I remember I walked three and a half miles at eight and a half weeks pregnant.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Victoria: Somewhere I was. And we, we were going to this, uh, event that was happening in, uh, in Harlem. And my husband’s like, do you feel like walking? I said, as long as the shoes are comfortable. Yeah. And I was in this gown, or this dress had my sneaks on and they took one look at my stomach and they’re like, no problem.
And, uh, I really didn’t care. But um, and we walked and we walked, I, I would say probably maybe six miles, ’cause it was three each way. I felt great because I did that the, the entire time.
Jamie: Yeah,
Victoria: yeah. Fit. And I still worked out. I, I worked out, I went to the gym. I was going to my little Planet Fitness, or I think it was Blink, and I was just doing squats and weights, and people were looking at me like, when do you, when, when you’re hanging that up?
And I, I wasn’t ready to give it up. I was also still flying as a flight attendant too.
Jamie: Oh my gosh.
Victoria: That was funny.
Jamie: Wait, now when you walked, you said you were eight weeks pregnant.
Victoria: No. Eight. Eight months.
Jamie: Eight months. Okay.
Speaker 2: Okay. That’s great.
Victoria: Yeah, I was eight and a half months and I was just always walking. I walked throughout the entire pregnancy.
I think it really helped my recovery.
Jamie: Yeah. Yeah, I bet it did. Do you recommend any products or anything during your pregnancy that really helped?
Victoria: I feel support, back support is very important.
Jamie: Mm.
Victoria: Uh, especially lower back, so when it starts, your stomach starts to get heavy. You don’t have to be a hero and not get a belt of some, some type of support
Speaker 2: mm-hmm.
Victoria: To help you lift that weight. It gets to a point, it took a while for me to feel that, the magnitude of that weight, ’cause I was walking so much and I feel like I was pretty healthy, but there’s a point in which when that baby drops, it’s like, so it’s good to just have some, some support. Mm-hmm. I think any kind of band or, um, that you can get to help you is really great.
Um, and a bra that’s gonna let you breathe and change into that space is just really, you know, just gets to the point where you’re like, whoa, what’s going on? So, invest in a good bra and don’t feel bad about updating that throughout the pregnancy. Like the one size doesn’t always fit all. Like, just because you buy one in the beginning doesn’t mean you don’t need to kind of revamp.
Your closet a little bit and get something else, and splurge, get some, there’s sexy ones out there. You don’t have to get that ugly sports bra.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: If, if, if it’s comfortable, fine. But if you wanna just really enjoy yourself, there are some really nice ones that give you the support. They also will help you, uh, breastfeed if you choose, or to feed your child if you choose to go that route later on.
So, and they can actually, uh, becoming, uh, become multifunctional later where you don’t have to have them as a nursing bra. Um, so just those are the two things I feel like that were really helpful for me.
Jamie: Yeah, that’s something I haven’t considered. Like I think about the clothes and your belly getting bigger, but your breasts are gonna grow for sure.
Victoria: Oh yeah.
Jamie: So for your birth, what was your plan? We all have this perfect plan.
Victoria: Well, I have to say I did go in knowing that perfect plan is just. Um, unrealistic because you have the plan, you have your, i, i i, we did hire a doula. Mm-hmm. Um, really late in the process. I really wish I had, um, gotten one earlier.
Uh, but I had already told myself and just reading all these pregnancy books and like what to expect, everything. It’s more of a desired plan.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: And make room in your head for that it could go differently so that you’re not so disappointed.
Jamie: Yeah.
Victoria: Uh, and that you’re ready to roll with the punches. If you start that way, I think it’s better for you to just kind of adjust.
So I knew that in spite of some surgeries I had had in the past for fibroids that I wanted to deliver vaginally. I wanted to try. Mm-hmm. Uh, it was very important for me to find an OB, GYN that was aligned with that as well.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: Uh, I wanted doula support with us, which was not easy to sell my husband on, and I still don’t think he was really into it.
Actually. I know he wasn’t. Um, I’ve forgiven him though ’cause he was so, and he was so not for it. He just wanted us to be alone. But I really felt like I wanted someone to be in the room to suggest different positions and speak on my behalf when I was in pain and not expecting for him to know these. You know?
Mm-hmm. These different methods. I wanted someone to be able to speak on my behalf, on our behalf in case I wasn’t able to make a decision that would be able to help me deliver this child in this manner. So that was important. I try, I thought, I think I had a playlist and I was gonna have candles. And then I got to the hospital.
And this is where you have to think about where you deliver. And you have to think about this. When you hire, when you, I say hire, I’m gonna say hire. You are hiring your doctor. You’re not doing them a favor. You’re not just going do your research interview because you need to know what hospital that they’re associated with.
Um. Who will be delivering your baby if it’s not them, what the process is, if something should go wrong, because I went with someone right away that knew that I wanted to try and, and agreed with me having it vaginally as much as I, you know, as I could. So that was really important to have that in writing.
And going with a doctor that, that understood my vision was, was fantastic. What else? But oh, I was saying about the candles, um, when you go to a hospital, they’re not gonna let you burn candles, you know? Right. So,
Jamie: yeah.
Victoria: You know, if you wanna fake it and get some glowy, you know, battery operated stuff
Jamie: Yeah.
Victoria: To a degree. But when you go into these hospital rooms, the bed is. Is a little smaller than you would see on tv. You know, on TV. Makes it look like you have a look good, like queen size bed where your husband can come in and cuddle with you while you hold your little baby. There’s no room for two people.
So it was a little disappointing when I got into the room. I thought there goes the plan and then I, and I, I thought, why didn’t I ask or bring like a speaker? Can I play? You know, the mus, I think I asked, and they’re like, sure, you can bring it. But the day of it just didn’t seem like anyone was really trying to make that happen.
So I had to adjust pretty quickly that the, I wanted calm, I wanted quiet.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: I wanted warm and cozy, you know? Mm-hmm. As I was going through my contractions and I wasn’t able to quite do that. I think my husband did play some stuff for me on his phone. But, um, unfortunately, my daughter’s heart rate started to drop.
Jamie: Oh.
Victoria: And then it was the, you know, and I wasn’t dilating more than three centimeters for,
Jamie: oh
Victoria: no, man, maybe 12 hours, 12, 16 hours. So we ended up having to do a C-section.
Jamie: I heard somewhere that when you have fibroids, it’s common to do a C-section, like without question. Is that true?
Victoria: It’s not without question.
It just depends on how large were they? How were they removed? If they were removed, would it be dangerous for you to go through actual. Like the pushing of your child, depending on how long you know the process had occurred. You know, have you fully healed? Do you have scar tissue? There are a lot of factors, but it definitely doesn’t mean that you mm-hmm.
Have to have a c-section. There are plenty of people who’ve had fibroids and
Speaker 2: mm-hmm.
Victoria: And delivered naturally. Um, there are people like myself, I had a fibroid while I was pregnant, but the placement of it. Was no danger to me or the baby. And then ironically, ’cause babies, you know, the whole process is amazing What the body does, the hormones were basically helping me shrink that fibroid.
Wow. So, no. Um, and there are plenty of people, plenty of people who’ve had c-sections and been able to have VBACs, uh, which is a vaginal. Birth after C-section.
Jamie: Okay, so you were there 12 hours and you were only three centimeters. Mm-hmm.
Victoria: That’s even from home. ’cause I, I, I, my water broke at home
Jamie: Uhhuh
Victoria: and it was.
Cold January. Oh, we had to get an Uber to the hospital and then he was lost and then he was across the street and I had to like walk like that over. It was horrible.
Jamie: Oh my gosh.
Victoria: Um,
Jamie: ugh.
Victoria: But yeah, it, it took some time and so about 16 and they did their best. They were trying to move me around to try to get her, um, heart rate to drop and it did.
Um, but the contractions were increasing and I was really determined to have a natural childbirth as well. I didn’t wanna do any medication. I just wanted to be able to, I wanted to be able to, it wasn’t like a. Higher reason or anything, I just wanted to be able to feel exactly what was going on with my body so I can tell them, because I had the fibroids history, like, you know, this is getting too hard for me.
I just, I wanted to make sure I could still feel everything.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: But after like our think 13, 14, they made it very clear that if I was going to have a C-section, and if I didn’t have an epidural now, like prior to, then it would be emergency C-section and they’d have to put me out. Completely. And I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be able to act, you know, see her.
And I didn’t wanna wake up to her,
Jamie: right?
Victoria: So I said, you know what, let’s just go ahead and get the epidural. And then that way, that was the starting, you know, starting the process of getting me prepared for a quote unquote planned C-section because mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like, even though it’s the emergency, because her, her heart rate was dropping, it didn’t have to be done without my.
Being present. So I chose that option. So we got the epidural and then basically in the morning she came and it was, um, I was able to see her right away and actually have her mm-hmm. Near me. Mm-hmm. I couldn’t hold her, but I could snuggle up a little bit, um, to her. And then the re in recovery, I think it took like an hour or so before I could go ahead and get her some skin to skin and then, and meet her.
Jamie: Yeah. That was a long hour, I’m sure.
Victoria: Very long.
Jamie: Yeah,
Victoria: very long. It was hard, but I remember thinking she’s out and she’s here. Like after what we’ve been through, she’s here. So I waited this long, so the hour’s long, but I just, I was just sending my husband back. I’m like, what are you doing? Where is she? Is she okay?
Uh, until I could see her with my own eyes.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: Again, and hold her.
Jamie: Was your husband able to cut the cord or any participation with that?
Victoria: He just wanted to be by me on my side. He, he chose not to cut the cord. Mm-hmm. It wasn’t as important to him as just kind of being support on the other end of the veil.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: Really. But he was definitely the first to be able to hold her hand. Mm-hmm. I just, as long as she had contact, you know, with one of us
Jamie: uhhuh,
Victoria: it didn’t really, that mattered to me. She was here that, yeah. All I could think was is she’s so real right now. She’s here. Like, I don’t care.
Jamie: Uhhuh.
Victoria: Yeah. So that was, that was pretty special.
Jamie: Yeah. It sounds beautiful.
Victoria: It was special.
Jamie: How was your doula active during birth? Was she a part of? Very much
Victoria: so. She was, I wish she was a little bit more part of it. It just seemed, um, once we got to a place where the doctors. We’re getting a little exhausted from, for my dilation to, for me to be more dilated.
She just kinda. Was like, you know, I think they’re making, that’s probably the decision you need to make is mm-hmm. Go with a C-section. But I just kind of, it wasn’t what I saw in, or hear other people like, where’s the medicine ball? You know, where’s the, mm-hmm. Or are we gonna do some, you know, weird position, like, bring that chair over.
Like where are your, where are your tools? Where are your stuff, lady? Where’s your bag of tricks? Which she said she had, but I didn’t, I don’t remember.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: There being many. Things with her. So in a sense, I, I just remember feeling a little let down.
Speaker 2: Mm.
Victoria: But I think she felt like her hands were tied. Like for how, for whatever, I don’t know if she had never faced that situation before.
I would think so. I mean, she was pretty seasoned, like over 10 years
Speaker 2: uhhuh.
Victoria: But it just felt like it was maybe out of her comfort zone of going against what they were saying.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: So, I, I have to say maybe that’s, she was just doing the best, you know, that she felt that she could at that time. But she was helping me through the contractions and helping me breathe.
And uh, at one point they, I think they had to the, they were debating whether to allow me to see the, the contraction, the monitor.
Mm-hmm.
Victoria: But I wanted to know when they were coming. ’cause sometimes they don’t let you see Uhhuh that, and I’m like, no. Like I wanna prepare so that I can take that big, deep breath.
I’m not sure if that helped my anxiety, which also probably didn’t help her heart rate. I’m not sure Verdict, you know, jury’s out on it. But I remember the me watching really seemed to prepare me. I felt like it was going to prepare me for what was to come. And I handled the contractions like a, like a champ, I think.
Jamie: Nice.
Victoria: Like it was painful. It was painful, but I just had one goal in mind was to do it this way. So when the epidural came, I was gonna bypass it until they said, if you don’t do it now, we’re gonna have to put you under later if we have to do this C-section. I just,
Jamie: yeah,
Victoria: I didn’t wanna do that.
Jamie: Yeah, sometimes we don’t always get that perfect route and we have to settle for plan B.
’cause the healthy baby is the main goal.
Victoria: Exactly.
Jamie: Yeah. Brief us on how your recovery was.
Victoria: Um, I have to say it was painful. Uh, c-sections really. It does involve a lot.
Jamie: Yeah.
Victoria: Uh, to recover from. You’re thinking, you’re talking about layers being cut into and your abdominal muscles and your abdominal floor, and, but I would say.
I did a lot of work prior to of my, the walking and the working out and the yoga that I think helped me recover much faster.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: It took me on the outside for the scar to heal about four months.
Jamie: Ooh.
Victoria: And obviously internal is, is still healing.
Jamie: Sure.
Victoria: Even though the out the external is, um, looks good.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: Uh, so I was a little cautious about doing anything abdominally, but. I was able to walk around pretty easily. Within a few weeks. I walked nonstop, even in the hospital room with her in my hand. ’cause I knew I had to get my, the fluids moving ’cause that was just gonna be much more painful if I didn’t move.
My doctor was really adamant about it. He’s like, get up, get up. I don’t care if you have to walk down the hall, back and forth. Do it. Do it. And I did and I did that even when we got home, so.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. That’s great.
Victoria: It helped a lot.
Jamie: Yeah. That yoga, it’s good for everything.
Victoria: It is. Working out yoga, the way I was eating and the walking, I think it’s really good to try, even if you weren’t really active prior to being pregnant, once you are, that doesn’t mean that you have to stop.
There are ways that you can still be physically active and be safe.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: That will make. A world of difference, I think, with your delivery and your postpartum recovery.
Jamie: Yeah. Tell us, do you have plans to have more kids in your forties?
Victoria: I do, and we’ve been trying, um, so we, we had another miscarriage after, um, our daughter now of a twin pregnancy.
That was really difficult. Um, it was early, you know, about eight, nine weeks, and that was devastating. And then we tried a little bit more naturally again and it wasn’t happening. So we did two rounds of IVF, and unfortunately the embryos were. They, they did make it to the blast assist stage, which is about the five days of, you know, watching and seeing if the cells multiply and everything and grow.
But they were chromosome, their chromosomes were abnormal.
Speaker 2: Hmm.
Victoria: So we are resetting. I’m kind of, you know, I’m really just trying to manage some of my PCOS symptoms and my insulin resistance. Eating healthy fats and lots of protein, good protein, lean protein, and lots of mixed greens. And I’ve seen my inflammation go down immensely over the last six months.
So I’ve been preparing my body for the last six months to, and still trying every month and my ovulation periods, but really just focusing on inside out and I, I feel like. We’d obviously love to try naturally again, if that happens. And we also have IVF also on the table. Like I said, I’m just, I’m willing to, to try to add to our, our family, as long as it’s safe for me and safe for our child to be, and hopefully one of those, you know, options will prove viable for us.
I am working on also enjoying and being so grateful for what I have. Mm-hmm. And maybe like how I met the husband when I wasn’t looking. Mm-hmm. And I wasn’t, you know, really stressing about it and just kind of living life again. I, I found him. So hopefully, maybe this is how we’ll find our baby.
Speaker 2: I hope
Victoria: so.
Or your baby will come to us.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Jamie: What has been your biggest challenge being pregnant in your forties?
Victoria: Ob, actually, I didn’t find too much difficulty. Difficulty in the pregnancy or challenging.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: Um, being, I didn’t, I don’t really feel 40, it’s not what I thought 40 would be when I was a kid.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: You know, I thought that was really old.
Jamie: Uhhuh.
Victoria: I feel pretty young and spry still, and I feel. Like, I can’t say it’s just an age, ’cause obviously it does have some effects on your body and your egg quality. But I try really not to lead first with about my age. So it, the pregnancy itself just felt like, it felt good.
I, I felt, I felt really good during it. I think it’s just, you know, parenting in your forties I think sometimes can be. Interesting. ’cause it’s like it’s something that you’ve been looking forward to all this time and then you realize, wow, I’ve had 20 something years of just it being me and my friends’ kids are like in coll going to college next year and I have.
Diaper changing that’s happening. So that’s where I found challenges later on, but not really in my pregnancy.
Jamie: Okay. That’s great. And what advice would you give to yourself when you were pregnant? If you could go back
Victoria: research, research, research about where you would like to have your child delivered.
There are so many options. Home, birth, water, birth. Child birthing centers, midwives. It is just the gamut. I, I feel like research. This is what you would do for any, anything else in your life, right? Mm-hmm. But sometimes we have this idea we’re getting pregnant and we stay with the same OB GYN that we had since 16, and that’s who I probably am gonna have deliver my baby.
Mm-hmm. And nothing against that person. They’re probably an amazing doctor. Mm-hmm. But did you find out what hospital they’re affiliated with? What’s the rate of that hospital? What? What are their ratings? How do they handle birth and delivery? How do they handle trauma? Do you have to be med Vaed?
Somewhere if that hap like all of those things are really important and I don’t know why we don’t take the time to do that research, but it, I think it’s really important and to invest in yourself prior to having a child in your pregnancy and after. You cannot be everything to everyone, including that little person if you are not in the best.
Space yourself and postpartum is not easy. It is a very big adjustment. It’s why it’s called the fourth trimester. So be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace to be overwhelmed when you’re overwhelmed and enjoy your triumphs when you have them as well. Just know that there are people out there, who’ve been through exactly what you’ve been through or something very similar, and you’re, you’re not alone.
And whenever you feel overwhelmed, breathe because it, you blink and there are three. And like me in the pandemic where I was literally 365 with my kid, I still have to look at pictures and go, oh my gosh, I forgot about that stage. I was there with her. I didn’t, wasn’t, I wasn’t even working.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: And it seems like it went so fast.
So whatever is bothering you now or seems challenging now. There’ll be a new one and later on, uh, or you’ll, you know, it’ll just be so fleeting and, um, it’s just, it’s a beautiful, crazy complex ride, but it’s worth it.
Jamie: I love that. That’s beautiful advice. And where can our listeners find you?
Victoria: They can find me on all the social medias at New Mommy at 40 W and then also www.new mommy@forty.com.
Always 40 is the numbers. Uh, four zero, and the podcast is available on wherever you listen to your podcasts and music. And I am so happy that I got to meet your community and they got to meet me. And, uh, I can’t wait for you to listen to her episode, which will be, uh, airing a little bit after, after mine.
And, um. Yeah, I’m just, I’m happy to be here. Thanks for having me,
Jamie: Victoria. Thank you so much for coming on.