On episode 96, we have Allison on to share her pregnancy journey at 43. Growing up, Allison was always babysitting and spent summers being a camp counselor. She spent lots of time around children, but being a mom wasn’t an obvious choice for her. She had friends that either couldn’t wait to be a mom or never wanted to be a mom, but she didn’t feel like she fit on either side. She’s been with her husband for 15 years who has two children who she is very close with. She loves to travel and wasn’t sure motherhood was for her. When she turned 40, she married the same year and starting really thinking about having a baby. Find out why she went straight to IVF to gender select a girl, her five egg retrievals that led to her journey to motherhood.
If this is your first time here, I’m Jamie Massey and the host of the podcast. It took us 3 years, 5 pregnancies, failed IVF, and a failed embryo transfer to have our first baby using donor eggs at 43 years old. You can go here to learn more about my story.
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Episode 96 Transcript:
Jamie: Allison, welcome to the show.
Allison: Ah, thank you so much.
Jamie: And today we are sharing Allison’s story at 43. But before we get started, Allison, will you share a little bit about yourself?
Allison: Yeah, so my name is Allison. I live in Jersey. I am in my mid forties and I’m a therapist. I specialize in anxiety and sex and intimacy and trauma. And I’ve been doing that for a really long time. And I also do coaching for women. I help women kind of reclaim their stories, their lives just their autonomy.
And so that’s my sort of like work persona. But then just like me who am I? I love to world travel. I’ve been to 40 countries inside of the last 10 years. Wow. So that’s like a big, I know big cork pillar for who I am. I’m a huge, huge, huge animal lover. Yeah. And I just am like kind of hanging out with my dog and, and my baby up in New Jersey on the east coast.
Jamie: Yeah. So you are postpartum 12 months, correct.
Allison: Correct. My, my, she just turned one last week.
Jamie: Ugh. I love it. And we were saying before we were like, it’s feels like yesterday, but it also feels so long ago.
Allison: It’s so true. Time is so relative. How can something feel so quick in 19 lifetimes ago?
Jamie: Yes. Yes. And before we started recording, we are kind of talking about when to start your story. So tell us a little bit like how did motherhood start for you? How did you think about having kids?
Allison: Yeah, so motherhood has always been a really complicated subject for me. And if I’m being fully transparent, one that I had quite a lot of shame around because. I have always loved kids. I was actually a nursery school teacher, well nursery school, like quote unquote teacher.
When I was in high school and college, I was always babysitting. I was a camp counselor, so I spent a lot of my like adolescence and like young adulthood in the company of children. But I didn’t feel this like very obvious pull to be a mom. And I also didn’t feel an obvious like, I don’t know, like push away from being a mom.
And the women that were particularly like my friends, my family, like the women that I ran in circles with were really kind of like polarized. Like in my anecdotal personal experience, I either knew people who just like being a mommy was their life dream. Like it was very obvious that like they were going to be a mom.
They couldn’t wait to be a mom. Or very conversely they were like, hell no. That’s not for me. Good for you. That’s not my vibe. And I really didn’t land in either camp. I could really picture a life. With children and I could really picture a life without children. And I have been with my husband now who’s significantly older than me.
We have an 18 year age difference.
Jamie: Love it.
Allison: He’s 62 right now. He’s 62 now. And we’ve been dating for 15 years. So when I met him, he had two children at the time. His kids were, oh my God, about 15 years ago. So his son was nine, his daughter was 13. And so I got to know them. I’m very, very close to both of them.
And even then I like didn’t, you would think that, like in the company now of children, I’d be like, oh, this is coming so natural to me, so this is what I want for myself. Or like, oh no, I’ve checked the box. I like have this family lifestyle. I’m good. I still really couldn’t decide and i’ve been thinking quite a lot about like what that felt for me since, you know, now it’s like pretty removed.
I do have a kid, I actually really love being a mom, but the women that I knew that were becoming moms or were moms were often telling me like, I couldn’t live the life that I had. Right. So I travel a lot. Mm-hmm. And so something I would hear pretty regularly is like, well if you have a kid, like that goes out the window, right?
And I was like, oh my God. But I love to travel and I don’t, I know I love to travel, right? So I don’t wanna lose that. And I don’t know what it feels like to be a mom. So it’s hard for me to like cherish that or idolize that or put it on a pedestal. Except I also, when I envisioned my future, I do see kids.
And so I was just constantly in this like ping pong between. Like, do I want them? Do I not want them? And a lot of times when I would tell people that, like the few people that I sort of disclosed that, like, I’m not really sure, right? I’d either get like, well, no one’s sure, so just do it right. Like, most people just aren’t, there’s no absolute right time, or you’re like, gonna know this.
Or they’d be like, well, if you’re not sure, maybe it’s not the right time. And it wa neither one of those answers were particularly helpful to me, right? I was like, still kind of living in this like profound doubt. And so I just kept putting it off, right? I was like, well, I don’t need to make this decision now, so I just don’t make it.
And that was my life for like a really, really, really long time of just this, this like constant, should I do it? Should I not do it? If the fact that I’m being doubtful, does that mean that I’m gonna be a bad mom? And that one would come up quite a lot, especially because I knew so many mommies that were just like so natural at it and like they wanted it so badly.
And I was like, well, if I don’t want it that badly, maybe I’m not fit for this. Like, maybe I am supposed to be a stepparent. Maybe I am supposed to just be a fur mom. Right. I’m great at being a fur mom.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: And so it caused like a lot of stress for me for a really long time.
Jamie: Yeah, I get that. So when did it begin?
Allison: I was a COVID bride, so I was with my husband for over 10 years before we got married. And then, you know, our wedding was, September was supposed to be of 20. That’s what it was supposed to be before, right? It was like right when COVID came out and we pushed it to September, 2020, and I eventually got married and then like, you know, kind of, we all have the formula, right?
It’s like, okay, well you get married and now you up against the kid question. Right? And whether right, wrong, or otherwise, that’s, that’s the pressure that I felt like, okay, well now I’m at the moment where I really have to make a decision. And so I would meet with my husband to be like, well, what should we do?
Jamie: Just to give us perspective, how old were you in 2020?
Allison: 2020. Was that five years ago? So I was 40. I was just turning 40. Okay. Right. So I was hitting that like about 39 actually. So I was hitting that. No, I got, I took the back. I was 40 when I got married. I had my 40th birthday, my bridal shower, my bachelorette all is like one big bash.
That’s, so I was, it was just around 40. I just turned 40 and, like 40. I don’t actually believe this. Right. But it becomes that number that like, feels like the scary number, right? Or like I kind of had in my head where it was like, okay, well I don’t really have to deal with this until I’m 40, but then when I’m 40, I better really start thinking about this.
And so I would sit with my husband and we would have these long conversations about it. And he wasn’t particularly helpful because what he would say to me is, well, for men at the age doesn’t matter as much, at least the, the way of like giving birth, right? Mm-hmm. Like they don’t have to have so many considerations, like at least medically.
And he would be like, listen, I could take it or I could leave it. Because being a dad is the best thing that I ever did and I love being a dad and it’s such part of my personality and especially ’cause he was older at the time, he was, this was a few years ago, so he was like 58, right?
Mm-hmm. And he was sort of, of this perspective like. What a gift it would be to do it again, because now I’m in a different place in my life. When he had his children in the first round, he was working all the time. He was like,, he was home with his family, but he would get home at six o’clock where now he has a thriving business.
He was really looking forward to being like kind of a stay at home dad. And so he was like, ah, that would be amazing if I could do that. But also, but also if that doesn’t feel right for you, like I do have my two children, I have had the experience of being a father. I’ll get into this in a little bit, but my stepson, so there, my, my stepchildren are now age.
My stepdaughter is 28 and my stepson is 23. But my step, my stepson has autism and so he’s more cognitively at like a 4-year-old level and he lives with us half the time. My husband and his ex have very good relationship. They co-parent very well, and we spend, he goes back and forth to our house pretty much 50% of the time.
So, you know, part of my husband’s thing was like, I have a child pretty much a child forever as well. So like, I’m always gonna be playing the daddy role. Like my kids don’t grow up out. My, my son will never grow up outta my house. So if I’m already a dad anyway, what a, we can welcome another beautiful soul into our lives, or this will always sort of be something that I’m experiencing.
And so it didn’t offer me a lot of clarity. Right. I was like, almost wishing someone else could make this decision for me. Right. And like, let’s do it. Or like, hell no. And when we, when I finally hit the big four oh, I was like, well, yeah, let’s just do it right. Like, that feels more right than not.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: But I still then didn’t have the like, oh my God, yes, let’s do it. And so we started. We were gonna start trying. Naturally, however this gets a little controversial sometimes people don’t, don’t love that this is, but this is my story and this is my truth. My husband came to us came to me and so inside of his family there is a lot of autism.
He is one of seven children and every time him or one of his brothers had a boy, a son, mm-hmm. That child had autism. And my son, my stepson is pretty low functioning, but he is actually the highest functioning of the children inside of my husband’s family with autism.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: Many of them are you know, are nonverbal in diapers really low functioning. And so when my husband came to me, he was like, look, right, wrong, or otherwise, I have a lot of fear. I know this is just correlation, but I have a lot of fear of having another son just because every, this is sort of our family history and our family dynamic and there’s no test for autism. And so if we were gonna do this, I would really like to consider, choosing a girl. And that is important to me. I don’t know that I could at this age, potentially have another high, high, high needs child. And so we spent, that became a really huge conversation for me. One, I don’t necessarily agree with that, but like we’ll never know what wouldn’t have been.
Right? And I had to respect that that was where he felt, right? And, but it became something, thinking about motherhood now became something that I was gonna have to really actively pursue, right? This wasn’t gonna be a passive like, well, let’s just have some sex and see if I get pregnant, it was gonna be undergoing IVF for basically, for lack of a better word, genetic testing, right?
Mm-hmm. There is no genetic test for autism. So the best that we could do is choose a gender where our, our internal family dynamic of, you know, girl versus boy, the girls don’t seem to have it, and the boys predominantly do. Mm-hmm. And so we had to make the decision of whether, if he, if I was guessing a ch child Right.
This is the framework in which he was willing to do it with me. Right. Yeah. Now obviously we were well aware that, that just because we had a girl did not mean that it would be, you know, that she would be, you know, neurotypical. Sure. But we were just kind of like hedging our bets a little bit.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
But that’s great that he like came to you so honestly about that too.
Allison: Yeah. And you know, it’s, it’s funny, when I talk to people, when I talk to people with special needs children, they’re like, oh, get it. Right. And when I talk to people without special needs children, often what they’ll say is like, oh my God, that’s terrible.
So you didn’t want a special needs kid. And here’s what I’ll say about that. There’s, I love my stepson more than he is brilliant and beautiful and smart. And I wouldn’t choose another soul for my stepson. He’s meant to be on this earth. He is gorgeous and happy. But unless you’re a special needs parent, right?
It comes with such a phenomenal, it is hard to watch your kid not meet milestones. It’s hard to watch your kid. My son, my stepson will, you know, is, is verbal, but very minimally so, right. He’ll never drive a car, he’ll never have a girlfriend, he’ll never go to college. He’ll never hold a job.
And that doesn’t mean that we don’t love him and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a beautiful life. Sure. I would never like rid him of his autism. Right. But when we were thinking about sort of like, what is our capacity in support, my stepson needs a lot of support.
And you know what my, my husband was very honest about was that at this point he didn’t as best we could, right. He was like, I am older. We do have limited resources. We already have someone who needs a lot of time, money, and energy. If we’re gonna do this, we would really, really like to try to see if we can have a neurotypical kid.
You know, and again, why I say it’s controversial is it sounds really like, I hid that for a really long time. It was something that I was like, you know, oh, I just have fertility issues. Which I mean, we’ll never know if I did or didn’t because we didn’t try the old fashioned way. Yeah. I was in my forties. So statistics are kind of are what they are. But you know, I appreciated that that is what, where his head was at and yeah, so we decided to move, well, we did decide to move forward.
Jamie: Okay. Yeah. So talk to us about your IVF journey.
Allison: Yeah. So I had a really hard IVF 30 because if becoming a mom. Was not an obvious choice for me. And because I was internally struggling with like, but this isn’t something I desperately want right inside of the IVF community. It was even harder for me because, you know, the women that I were, first of all, if you’re a listener and you’re an IVF mama, like hats off, likes apart warriors. Like the women that are doing IVF for any and all reasons, like it is an exhausting journey on every single a jour.
A journey can be exhausting financially, even if it ends
Jamie: with a baby, it’s still time,
Allison: even if it ends with a baby, right? So it’s like, it’s financially exhausting, it’s emotionally exhausting. It’s physically exhausting. Hormonally exhausting.
Jamie: Yeah.
Allison: So, you know, it was really hard for me and then I would feel a lot of shame sitting in rooms where I’m sitting with women who. Maybe didn’t get the results that they want. And they’re absolutely devastated. And I’m thinking to myself like, I don’t belong here. Right? Like, the person who belongs here should want this, this badly.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. And
Allison: I’m not sure that I do. And so inside of like, it already being a very, very exhausting experience, I was really just in a dark place like emotionally because I felt like I didn’t deserve a place at the table.
And especially then when I’m like now talking to moms who would do anything for a child to sort of own up to my truth, which now I speak candidly because it is my truth and it is what it is. But so now if I’m saying to someone like, oh, we’re doing maybe I, maybe I am fertile. I don’t know.
Right. But. I’m doing this because we’re gender selecting, which is really not the correct thing. It’s not just ’cause I love girls. Right. Right. It’s like we’re, we’re, we’re processing a real family history mm-hmm. Where, you know, my, my, my nephew has seizures, right? Like there’s the real medical complications here, but it felt even more like, you better keep that under your hat.
Do not tell anyone. And so it was just. It was a really dark time for me. Plus then you’re taking all these hormones, right? So like I was a little batshit. It was a little, a little cray. And so I did in the end, when I first sat down, which probably anybody who’s over 40, who’s going for IVF it’s very clinical, it’s very stat driven.
And basically, you know, they were like, you need to immediately go to donor embryos. It doesn’t matter. Like the fact that you’ve never been pregnant before, the fact that you’re doing it for this reason, the fact you haven’t tried it, like really doesn’t matter. These are just the stats. You’re over 40.
It’s not gonna happen for you. It is going to be, so you’re gonna, it’s gonna be a statistical anomaly. And if, if you do get pregnant and like go straight to the donor embryos and I have plenty of friends who did donor embryos, I think it’s a beautiful option. I’m so glad it exists. But for me, at that particular space I would like. I don’t want that to be my first line of action. Sure. I would like to see what we can do, if it works, if it doesn’t work. And I really liked my clinic and I really liked my doctor, but something that I felt strongly about now in hindsight is, I don’t know if this was just my unique experience, maybe this is like this in all clinics, they didn’t give me a lot of information.
Right. Like, I don’t really feel like I was like that prepped for like what I was supposed to be doing. Oh yeah. Or what was happening. Like my husband, I was very fortunate. My husband came to every single appointment with me. I had a very supportive husband. I was scared of needles, even though you can’t see it right now ’cause I’m wearing a card again, but I’m covered in tattoos.
Yet like a needle. I still cringe. He gave me my, my shots. We did the first round and I remember being absolutely shocked is the only word. Like. I’m gonna, I’m gonna double down. I remember when I went in for my egg retrieval, I was not properly vetted on like what was going to happen. And so the idea that it was like pretty much surgery, like I’m going into an OR and like I have the scrubs and no one can come in with me.
And like being wheeled into the OR was hands down one of the most terrifying moments of my life. And for just a little bit of context, like my career, I worked in solitary confinement in Rikers Island. Like I am not an easily scared human. Like I’ve had some crazy, crazy stories in my life and I remember being wielded into that or, and being like, no one has prepared me for this.
Like, this is so absolutely terrifying. And so I thank you for doing things like this in the podcast because I do think if the experience is scary to begin with, I don’t know that anybody would necessarily walk into that type of situation. Like feeling cool, calm and collected. But I think the, the lack of knowing what to expect definitely drove it to being like a way more terrifying experience.
And then I remember coming out of the, you know, the retrieval actually really hilariously, so I’m gonna jump ahead. ’cause by the way, I had five retrievals.
Jamie: Oh my gosh.
Allison: But for some, so for some reason, every time I woke up from the anesthesia, they must have given me like a gram cracker and apple juice.
And I took a selfie with a graham cracker hanging out my mouth all five times. God, I have no recollection of doing this, but I have like a whole series of pictures of just like a graham cracker hanging out of my mouth.
Jamie: That’s funny.
Allison: Like, what am I doing? But I remember waking up and even then, like the doctor coming to me and saying like.
We got six. And at the time, like no one had told me what to expect, so I had just made up a number in my head. I was like, oh, I’m gonna get 12. Right? Like, I don’t have fertility issues. Like I’m gonna get 12. Easy peasy. And so when he told me six, I was heartbroken, right? And I was, I cried. And I was like, what do you mean, isn’t there like many more steps to this?
And like my fertility clinic was very like, you get the information at the step you’re at. So like I didn’t even really know yet. Like, okay, we’re gonna go through testing and we’re gonna go through freezing it and we’re gonna go through blast cysts. Right? Like none of that was new. Like it was all news to me.
I was just like, oh, we have six, we have six little babies. Right? Like, this is what we have now, right? Yes. And I thought we were gonna get 10, right? So, or 12. And I’m now, I’m all sad. And so the first round, I act. So I did have, I get, did get six embryos and one made it right. So like one got to the final where it could have been transferred.
Jamie: It’s heartbreaking.
Allison: Yeah. So I did that. Or maybe it was, I think actually now that I, I used, it’s funny, I just got a new refrigerator. I actually kept these, like my stats on my refrigerator for a long time trying to like, keep it as hope. Like, I was like, there is hope here. I can’t remember maybe the first round, I didn’t get any that, that made it, I ended up doing, oh, I got, we got, we got a mail.
That’s what it was. So we, we had one. Right. But for our, I intents and purposes, it wasn’t, it wasn’t the one that we wanted. Right, right. Like, we’re going through all of this to not transfer the, the mail. And so then we did it again and I don’t remember my stats, but we got done and then we did it again and we got none and then we did it again. And we got one girl. And we transferred that and it did not work.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. And so you got no HCG at all correct? On that transfer?
Allison: Yeah.
Jamie: Okay.
Allison: Yeah. And what’s crazy, you know, life is a funny thing, right? So when I, I did the transfer and the first time I did the transfer I brought my mom here, she lives outta state.
And it was like this big deal. And we did all of the, every single like stereotypes and like superstitions. We did, we ate the McDonald’s fries, and I had the figs, or I wore the pineapple socks, right? Like we did all the superstitions. Mm-hmm. And so my mom stayed with me for the 10 days, for the two week wait, and right as my phone was ringing for my fertility clinic called me. I answered the phone and at the exact same moment, my cat had his first seizure. And so my cat was on the floor and having a seizure. And so my mom and I were answering the phone, getting this news that I couldn’t even hear. And her and I were like, blood curdling screaming, right?
And we’re like scooping up the cat we’re like running out the door to go to the animal hospital. And like meanwhile they’re like, hello, hello, hello. Like, and I think back to that woman. Like I, I don’t actually know who called me ’cause it’s kind of like a, a nurse on call. I’m like, this poor woman, she doesn’t know what was happening to my cat.
All she heard was this like blood kernel and scream. But it did not work. And so I remember in that moment. Not knowing how to feel, because there was a small part of me that was like, well, I guess this is just like fate. You didn’t want this bad enough. So of course it didn’t work. And maybe this is like your punishment for like, it not work you not wanting it bad enough.
Jamie: Yeah.
Allison: And that stuck in my head for a while. And so, you know, we took a break, my husband and I, we were like, okay, this is now we’ve been four rounds and one transfer in. It’s been a lot. Let’s just take some time. We took a month off a month and then we came back to the drawing board and we were like, let’s do it one more time.
And that last, final time, I got two female embryos like full. So I made it to five rounds and one round didn’t work. And then, so I have two, I had two embryos left.
Jamie: Okay.
Allison: So at that point it was like, hooray, we had the news, let’s do it, let’s transfer. And that is when I started to panic, right?
Jamie: Like, it’s gonna really happen.
Allison: It’s gonna happen. Like, what if this one does work? What if it’s not supposed to work? Like, I was just very in my head, so I asked my husband for a break and I was like, now we have these embryos. Everybody’s telling me to like do it right away. I actually got into a huge fight with one of my best friends.
She was like, what do you mean? We’ve been dealing with this for like 18 months and you’re not gonna immediately transfer it. And I remember calling my, my nurse and being like, am I, I jerk for not doing this? Like, and she was like, actually half of the women need a break. Like 50% of women take a break between Fantastic.
And she was like, it’s just like go. We want this to be in the right, the best mind frame as best it can. Like go drink your water, do what you have to do, like take, take the time you need. Like, this is not, this is not being rushed. And statistically, I’m not a doctor. This is only, this is what she told me.
Like statistically at this point where you are in your age. It doesn’t really matter if we wait six more months, like six more months for a retrieval might be, but like for the, for the transfer, it’s actually kind of okay.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: So I did, I took the summer off, so my husband and I traveled the world.
We went to visit family in Ireland, and we kind of came back and I was like, okay, I’m ready. Like let’s do this. And this time I actually didn’t tell a soul. Right. Like, I was like, I’m not making a big deal out of this. This is gonna go under the radar. Because the more people you tell, the more people you have to tell if it doesn’t work.
Mm-hmm. And that to me, especially because I was still feeling like all of this ambivalence, I was like, I can’t mentally handle that. And so I did like a secret transfer and I
Jamie: get that. Mm-hmm. There’s just so much, like it’s almost added pressure whenever you tell, even though they’re supportive, there’s just so much pressure you feel like that you’re, it’s added onto it.
I get that a lot.
Allison: Yeah. Yeah.
Jamie: So
Allison: we did it
Jamie: and that that one worked. Okay. Do you remember your HCG levels or anything?
Allison: I don’t. I almost, it’s so funny, I, I have a friend of mine who is going through IVF right now, actually, well, she’s pregnant now, and she was just asking me that question and I was like, I don’t actually know. I don’t actually remember. I think I blacked it out. You’d think I’d have that like ingrained in my brain, but I don’t.
Jamie: Yeah, that stuff goes away pretty quickly. It’s amazing. So, do you remember if you tested before you had your blood draw at all? I.
Allison: I sure did. I sure did. I did both times. So the first time the first time when it didn’t work, I was prepared for that call.
Right. Mm-hmm. And again, I know you could have like a false negative, you can have a false positive. This is why they tell you not to, to do it. Right. I, I am a patient person. I, I am not good at listening to directions. Mm-hmm. So the first time I was prepared that it wasn’t gonna work, and this time I remember like I did it secretly.
I had my mom here, but she didn’t even know that I had transferred it. ’cause it was right around Christmas time.
Jamie: You didn’t even tell her.
Allison: She come here for it. Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t even tell her. And so she came for Christmas, so it was like, I think I transferred on, I transferred on the 15th. So it was like, we would actually find out if it worked in 10 days on Christmas and they were gonna call me like Christmas morning.
Or on the 23rd I guess. ’cause it wasn’t Christmas. No. ’cause Christmas was closed. I remember on the 23rd, 22nd being like, okay, this is like a week. Right? So not even like, we haven’t even hit, but I’m like, I’m just gonna do it. And I did. And you know, you see the faint little line, right? And I had four different tests and crazily enough, my husband’s still spicy about this.
I did not tell my husband, I actually told my best friend, right? I, I took a picture and I was like, okay, no one my, Tony, my husband would kill me. ’cause he was like, do not test. Like, do not. But I secretly bought like six different types of tests and I kind of need to know what this deal is. And I like, am I crazy?
Like this is, there’s a line here, right? And she was like, oh my God, there’s a line. And I was like, whew. All the feels right. Like I don’t wanna get my hopes up, I don’t wanna, and I ended up telling my husband that night, and I think it was Christmas Eve, so I found out Christmas Eve and I was like, I want to tell my mom.
Right. And my husband was like, I don’t think that’s a good idea because we haven’t gotten the blood draw yet. Right. So we might be like, really hyping this up. And it will be very sad for us if like, we’ve made a big deal out of this and like, do not tell anybody until you get the blood prick. And I was like, sure, sure.
Right, right. But I haven’t felt excited about this. I don’t know ever, and I’m feeling excited about this and I just feel like if, if I share this with my mom and then it ends up being devastated, maybe that’s okay. Right. Because then I can like, share this a little bit. I’m not gonna tell everybody, I’m not running off and telling my friends, they don’t even know I did a transfer, but my best friend knows now, husband, I gotta tell my mom.
And so I actually wrapped up the pregnancy test in, in a Christmas thing and handed it to her as her Christmas gift. And so she opens it up and was like, what? And then the next day on the 26th, it was confirmed that, you know, I was indeed pregnant.
Jamie: That’s awesome. Yeah. So you were actually excited about this. Now your mind has kind of shifted.
Allison: Yeah. Yeah. It was, I think it was the first time like I allowed myself to feel excited. And maybe it was because, I had all this like running narrative that like, whatever I was feeling wasn’t enough. I was doing this for the wrong reasons. I didn’t deserve it at the table.
It was like, it almost, I don’t know that, I actually didn’t feel excited throughout it. I think I was just like, how dare I feel excited if I’m not so secure? Like, I don’t have the right to be excited. And your minds, I’m a therapist. I, I work with women a lot. It’s like your mind can do some crazy things when it gets to, doubt and shame and embarrassment and guilt.
And I was just like. Feeling it on every level, right? Like, I don’t want this bad enough. A good mom would just, not even worry if you have a special needs kid, like, am I a terrible person? Like, all, all of it was just like clouding it. So I was like, what? Right? Do I have to be excited about having a baby?
Mm-hmm. And I didn’t earn that yet, you know?
Jamie: Yeah.
Allison: And I think inside of Christmas, it was just like, it’s Christmas. Like this is a Christmas miracle. Like, it’s okay to get excited. I’m like, I, I deserve the right, I deserve the right to celebrate.
Jamie: Yeah. That’s awesome. Yeah. So what was your pregnancy like?
Allison: So my pregnancy. For the, I thought, I thought I was getting away with murder. Like I, the first trimester was easy breezy. Like,
Jamie: no,
Allison: I barely gained any weight. I didn’t feel nauseous, like I was still going to the gym. Like, I felt great. Right. And for context, like I’ve worked, I’ve worked a lot my whole life.
Like I’ve, I’ve grew up in a single household. My mom was a single mom. I started working when I was 13. So I’ve been really busy and really tired my whole life. Mm-hmm. And so I almost was like, this is a breath of fresh air. Right? Like, I have the right to take a nap now. Like I can reduce my caseload.
Like this is easy. And then it hit me like a freight train when I hit about halfway through. , I did not know that this was a sign of pregnancy. I had no idea this was a symptom, but I got exceptionally, when I say horrific, I can’t even properly describe it. Carpal tunnel.
Jamie: Yeah.
Allison: I would wake up in the middle of the night seething in pain, like absolutely seething. I would wake my husband up crying. My, my hands would be like clawed. Like I was like making fists. I couldn’t open them up.
Jamie: Wow.
Allison: And it was just absolutely horrific. And then in addition to that, I had exceptionally bad restless leg syndrome, which I have already. I, I’m like a chronic insomniac. I don’t think I’ve slept since I was like five. But the restless leg was really exacerbated with the hormones.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: And so between the pain and the restless leg, I just, it was, it was hard. It was absolutely horrible. Because I had gone through IVF and it was like so medical and so clinical, I had decided for my pregnancy that I really, really wanted to go to a midwife.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. So I was
Allison: seeing a midwife. So I wasn’t going to a doctor’s office. It was going to like a midwifery, just such a crazy sounding word. And because of that, they were a little anti, like medicine. I was like, what can I do? Like I need to sleep and I need it. And they were like, take some melatonin.
And I was like, it doesn’t work. And then they were telling me to take Benadryl, which if I did not know that this, but Benadryl can exacerbate restless legs. So I was taking Benadryl at night and it was actually making it quite significantly worse. And so I ended up going to like an orthopedic, oh, er, like one day.
It was so bad. I was just like, help, I don’t know what to do. I’m in so much phenomenal pain. And then they gave me like the cortisone shots in your wrists and that did help. But that was like at eight months. Like I was, like we’re towards the end of this baby. Yeah. When I finally did get some relief and it didn’t cure it, but it made it manageable.
Jamie: Yeah.
Allison: Though the restless leg stayed. So I just spent like the last few months completely sleep deprived and uncomfortable. And my baby was born on, on the 6th of September. So I was like, in the heat of summer.
Jamie: Yes.
Allison: Which was al also really tough. And then beyond that, like my mom would often I guess, criticize this, but you know, she was like, you’re the weirdest pregnant woman.
But I, I thought, I dunno, maybe this is just me or maybe other women just don’t talk about this pregnancy’s weird, right? Like, I just kept being like, there’s a person growing inside of me. Like, this is crazy.
Jamie: It’s wild.
Allison: It’s just like she, at midnight, she would kick every night and so we’d call it Midnight Dance Party.
Right? And I would like, no, I’d be like, oh, the midnight dance party’s happening. Like, she’s kicking, kicking, kicking. And I was still in the head space of like, but what if I’ve made the worst decision of my life? Like, what if I’m not a good mom? Like what if, what if I’m bad at this? Like, what if I didn’t earn this?
Like I was still in that head space. So even when I was having those like, but put your hands on my belly and like feel her kicking, I was still having that emotional block of like, do I deserve to celebrate this? So I, I really struggled with that. And I don’t know if in part it was like hormones in part it was just like I didn’t have the right therapist to talk to this about.
But so, you know, physically I was really struggling and I think emotionally I was really struggling as well.
Jamie: Yeah. Do you think it had to do with your age that you were emotionally struggling?
Allison: It definitely could be. I don’t, I didn’t have the like, oh my God, I’m, I’m old, so what am I gonna do now like with the kid?
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: But I mean, I think because, because I’m older, I also had a lot on my plate already, you know? Sure. So, yeah, I, I had a lot of trouble taking maternity leave. I had a lot of trouble. I had a lot of people asking things of me and like, so I don’t know if it was specific. I’m sure my age played in there somewhere, but I’m not quite, I couldn’t put my finger on how.
Jamie: Okay. And so how, was it because you already knew it was a girl, was like deciding her name? Was that, did that come easy because you already knew?
Allison: It, you know, that that part was fun. You know, I always thought I was gonna be a boy mom, so it’s kind of funny that I was like forced to be a girl mom. Mm-hmm.
But, but I think especially ’cause of the work I do, like I’m very in the inner world of helping like little girls become, like I do a lot of work with, with little girls and women. So it almost feels like apo for me. Like, I think that this was. This makes a lot of sense. Mm-hmm. Like I think I’m a really good girl mom, although I think I would’ve been just a fine boy mom too, but I was like, all right, you know, I can get down with this.
Mm-hmm. I can raise a little empowered little lady. So that was pretty fun when my husband had a very, like, this is the hill he will die on. He’s like, do not tell anyone our name. And because my husband’s 18 years older than I am, we could not agree on a freaking single name. Like, I was like, you want like old lady names?
And he was like, you want these like weird hipster names, right. And we just like, could not agree and could not agree, and could not agree. My daughter’s name is Harper, and I love the name Harper. I love to read my favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird. It’s written by Harper Lee. Really quick, Harper Lee story.
When she wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, she knew that being a female author would not be something that would be publicly received. So her name, I actually think it’s Jolene, I, it starts with a JI forget her real name, but her middle name is Harper, and it was actually named after Dr. Harper who birthed her.
And so she decided to go as Harper because it could be disguised as a male name. And then the book became very famous. Yeah, the book became very famous and so now it is a female name specifically because she kind of like changed it. So I always thought that was cool.
Jamie: That is really cool.
Allison: I love the name.
My husband hated it. And we sat down one day, we were at a party at my brother’s house, it’s like a birthday party, and there was a little girl running around and she came running up to us and she was like, my name is Harper. And I was like, that is my favorite name. And she was like, oh my God, that’s my favorite name.
And my husband was like, she’s so cute. And I was like, she’s so cute, right? He was like, oh, I think I like the name Harper now. And there’s like one little girl who we still know. Wow. Definitely in influenced my husband. Wow. That changed the name.
Jamie: That was meant to be, wasn’t it?
Allison: It was meant to be, yeah. But my husband was like, don’t tell anybody the name. People have big opinions on it. And before we chose Harper, I was telling people names I was thinking of, and it really is true. Like it’s amazing when you’re like, okay, I want Cynthia. And people are like, oh, Cynthia, I hate that name. My husband’s like, listen, once the baby’s here, they can’t do that anymore.
Don’t tell ’em beforehand. So after we picked Harper, we’re like, we’re not selling anybody. That’s it. We’re not selling anybody at all.
Jamie: That’s funny.
Allison: So no one neutral. She was here.
Jamie: So was there anything that helped you during pregnancy, like product wise or anything?
Allison: Oh my god. You know, I wish I had an answer. No no. I mean, you know, I took a, I took a ton of baths, right? Like putting myself into the cold water helped a little bit. For the restless, like specifically I don’t have any products that helped. I got to a point where I was getting like frustrated with people. They’re like, have you tried? I’m like, I’ve tried everything. There’s nothing you’re gonna say at this point.
Jamie: That is so frustrating.
Allison: I know, but I found if I stuck my legs under my couch cushions, like, almost like if my feet were flat, that actually did alleviate a bit of the restless leg. So that’s the only thing that I found helpful. And I bought those like crazy, those crazy like boots that kind of like massage your legs. That seemed to help a little bit too.
Jamie: Oh wow. You really did try everything.
Allison: Oh my God. I tried everything.
Jamie: So how did you prepare for birth? Baby, baby.
Allison: Yeah. So I had a midwife and I had a doula. Mm-hmm. And the, the midwives that I used well, I had, I had found a midwifery again, crazy word that I really, really liked, but something that I didn’t like about them is that you were only allowed to give birth in the birthing center.
And for me, because I was an IVF, like, you hit all of those like stats, right? It’s like if you’re an IVF mom, you’re over 40. My gynecologist, who is an ob, GYN, was like very against it. He, my, I had, so my OB GYN was like an hour away, so I wouldn’t more than an hour away, so I wouldn’t have used him anyway.
But he was like, I really don’t want you going to a birthing center. Like, please, fine, you can go as holistic as you want, but like, I really need you to be in a hospital. And so I found a, in New Jersey, there’s a midwifery that has privileges at the hospital. So it’s like one of the few hospitals in New Jersey.
Actually, they don’t. I was one of the last births. They actually don’t do it anymore. But I was fortunate enough that they allowed the midwives to come into the hospital and they have like the tub and they have like the music and you can like kind of choose your own adventure.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: And so I felt like that was a really good combination for me, where I would have access to if I needed, which ultimately I did end up needing it, the medical intervention, but it was kind of the least invasive that I could get away with.
Mm-hmm. So that’s what I chose. So I chose a midwife with a doula at the hospital. Okay. And because I was over 40, we made an agreement, they wanted me to go at to think like I don’t, whatever it is, like 38 weeks, 37 weeks. I pushed it to 39 weeks. And then ended up there not being a bed for me anyway.
So we actually pushed it even further than that. It was, I was almost to my due date when I got induced, but I did go to the hospital to get induced.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. Okay.
Allison: Yeah. So I showed up to the hospital. It was a weird day, the dog, you know, when you’re induced, you’re scheduled, right? So it’s like the dog was out.
My, the hospital that I was at was over an hour plus away. So I had my mother stay in a hotel nearby to the hotel. ’cause she was at my house and it was too far. She didn’t drive. So we show up. We had like a nice meal. We went out to a nice dinner. We showed up to the hospital at 10 o’clock and, basically they started the induction and it was.
I had an extremely tough birth story. The nothing seemed to work. They at some point went to, so first it was my midwife, so she went to go do the membrane sweep.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: And, you know, it was my midwife, not a doctor. And she kept going, but this is so weird. I don’t understand why it’s not working.
And I have an exceptionally high pain tolerance. And when I say that, I was screaming, like I, they were like, it’s just uncomfortable. And I was like, this is not uncomfortable. This is horrible pain. Yeah. And she kept being like, this is so weird. Your uterus is weird. And so then she called in like a nurse, and now the nurse is doing it again.
And they’re like, this is so weird. It’s not working. And then they call in the doctor and they’re like, this is so weird. It’s not working. And at that point, my husband was like, you guys have to stop. She’s screaming and crying. Right. Like, we just forget this.
Jamie: Yeah.
Allison: And so then they give you the Pitocin.
Right. And so they’re giving me Pitocin, they’re giving me Pitocin, they’re giving me Pitocin, and they’re giving me Pitocin. 10, 12, 15, 20, 30, 35, 40 hours. We finally hit the 40 hour mark and they, they call in the head doctor and the the unit, and she comes in and she’s like, this is absolutely outrageous.
I’ve never seen anybody like, how are you even ta? We can’t give you more Pitocin. Like you’re at the absolute max. And I wasn’t even feeling it to be honest. Like I was just like, Ooh, spicy, right? And she’s like, something has to be, but because she didn’t have any,
Jamie: you didn’t have any medication?
Allison: I had no medication at that point.
Okay. Nothing. Yeah. She was like, Pitocin. And she’s like, you are maxed out. Like this is unbelievable. I’ve 30 years, something is actually, it must be wrong actually, because this is so unusual. And what they realized is because my water hadn’t broke, basically that was cushioning, like the contractions. And so she was like, we’re gonna have to break your water.
And when we do that. You are going to feel pain like you’ve never felt. And I was like, well that sounds terrible. I don’t pass right? I don’t want that. And they were like, we’ll, we’ll scale you back from the Pitocin so that we can try to break your water. So we started that whole process. They go to break my water and it was similar to the membrane sweep that I was just screaming to the point, my husband’s like a very chill dude.
And when I say he stood up in the middle of this room and was just like, everybody get the F away from her right now. Everybody drop like we are done here. Absolutely not. This is so screwed up. No. And so they stopped doing that because he had kind of like temper tantrum. And I remember looking at him thinking, I’ve never loved you more.
Like thank you for being a voice because I don’t know what’s happening. But like, and I’ve never experienced childbirth before, so I don’t know that this is unusual, but like this can’t be right. And so at that point, the baby’s heart started to get into stress, right? Because we’re, we’re doing all of, and at, at that point, I was 48 hours in.
So I had been in, you know, in this place for, for 48 hours. Now, the good news, I wasn’t really in pain, right? I wasn’t uncomfortable and I was like attached to a bunch of monitors and who wants to be in that like, room for that long? But I wasn’t in pain, right? I wasn’t experiencing active pain. So that’s when the doctors came.
My doula had just showed up and they basically said like, look at this stage, we would still consider this an elective C-section. You’re not in distress. We think it’s only a matter of time be before this is going from elective to emergency. So like, we don’t, we don’t really see the end of this story as a, as a vaginal birth.
That’s not probably what’s gonna happen here. So, like, giddy up, are you ready for this? And you know, it’s. Part of the story where I feel like I got a little bit duped because I was sitting now with my midwife, the doctor, the nurse, and my doula, right? So I got four people that are like supposed to be my team.
And I started asking all these questions and I don’t really feel like they answered very accurately. So I was like, well, foolish of me. But the C-section wasn’t part of my birth plan here. Right? It’s probably not part of anyone’s for the, well, not anybody’s, but for a lot of women it’s not. And I was like, so now I have questions.
What’s the recovery time like? And they were like, well, it’s really not that big of a deal. Like it’s totally like it’s, it’s not really a big deal. And I was like, okay. And I was like, what’s the scar like? And they’re like, oh my God. So it’s easy peasy. It’s basically a non-car. And I was like, okay. Okay.
Okay. Well, if like, there’s no scar and it’s an easy recovery, and I said, do I have to be here longer? And at the time, my dog I love my dog still to this day, more than like, pretty much everything except for my daughter. And I love them quite equally. I can’t even say that I like, that’s just like my soul.
My soul was in that dog, and I was like, my dog was dying of cancer at the time. And I said, listen, I don’t want to be leaving my dog for too long, so I’m worried about the recovery time. Am I gonna be able to take him for walks? Like, he’s, he’s on borrowed time. And they were like, of course you’ll just, you’ll be right back at it.
And I was like, okay, yeah, that wasn’t true for me. But we go in and I have the C-section and I remember laying on the table, and at this point my husband’s like changing into scrubs and like, again, no one’s really briefing me on what’s gonna happen. And like, they’re like, you’re gonna get the epidural, which was very scary for me.
Right. Again, I hate needles. Like, that part was pretty scary for me. And you’re like laid out. And even at that moment. I was by myself. My doula hadn’t entered yet. My midwife was off talking to the nurses. My husband wasn’t in the room yet. And even like, spread out, on the table I was thinking, oh my God, did I, am I gonna be a horrible mom?
Like, is this like, it’s too late. Like I’m, I’m in it, it’s, I’m on the rollercoaster, like I’m dropping. Like this is, there’s, you are not at a turning back point. Right. And even then I was like, not only physically ter like terrified because like no one really briefed me that well on what to expect.
Mm-hmm. But I was still really feeling quite emotionally scared. Yeah. The good news is my C-section was very quick. She came out very easily. I had no complications. They took me over to the birthing room. They were like, hey, we’re gonna try to breastfeed. It might be really difficult for her to latch.
My baby came out desperately wanting to eat. She latched nearly immediately. Like the, the whole like nursing unit was like, we’ve never seen this. This kid’s so hungry, right? She was just like, I got, I got the memo. I know, I know what to do here. So at least that part was a breeze for me. And so the first night, you know, we spent in recovery and as you do.
And then for me in my personal story, unfortunately the, we were exactly 24 hours from the minute my daughter was born to when I got a call that my dog had taken a fall. And had broken his back and needed to be put down. Oh. And so I’m like literally holding my newborn and like I’m on the phone with this vet that I don’t know, my dog is with my mother, with my best friend at the animal hospital.
They’re saying, you have to say goodbye. And it was one of those moments where still to this day I am like, how can that have been? What happened? And I sat with the nurses and I was like, I need to leave, like I need to leave this hospital right now. And they were like, you can’t leave you just a C-section 24 hours ago.
And I was like, right, understand, there’s no version of this story. Then my dog dies and I don’t say goodbye. Like, there’s nothing that’s gonna happen. If I have to leave and come back, I will like, and I was like, if I had given a vaginal birth, would my daughter, like, I’m not gonna put the baby in danger.
Right. And they were like, the baby is fine, she’s fine. Like you need to stay you know, if you had given a vaginal birth, we would be discharging you right now. And I was like, then you need to discharge me and against medical orders. They did. Luckily not I take that back. The medical orders against medical orders.
Basically the nurses came to me and they were like, you’re totally cleared to go. Like, we are gonna get you. They were, the nurses were amazing. They’re like, we’re gonna get you outta here. Go say goodbye to your dog. It’s okay. However, the doctors, have bigger things to say about it, but we promise you’re gonna be fine.
And so I left the hospital and I remember leaving the hospital with my newborn, right? Who’s like fresh. And I’m like, I don’t even know you yet. And I’m watching this mom leave with her newborn, and they’re taking pictures and they’re crying and they’re hugging. And I remember feeling very, very sad that like, that didn’t get to be my story.
And I came home and we, we had made a, we had scheduled my dog to be put down the day, the next day actually. And when I walked through the door, I realized my dog needed to be put down right away. And he just need, it was his time. And so I like literally entered the house with my newborn. And how to say goodbye to my dog.
And I didn’t have anybody to, to put him to sleep. So I was randomly calling people and I called this one woman who I didn’t know, random vet. And she was like, I hear a baby in the background. Like, oh, how’s your baby? I’m like, oh, she’s the day old. And she was like, wait, you just got home from the hospital?
And I was like, yeah. Mm-hmm. And she was like, I’m on my way to your house as a new mom myself. Like, I can’t let your first night with your baby be the day that you’re like also hugging your dog. Right? Like, we need to close one chapter and like, so you can go be a mommy. And thank God this like angel on earth came to my house, I got to say goodbye to my dog, which was horrible, terrible.
I certainly don’t think like one soul transferred to the other, but there was some like beautiful. I don’t know, metaphor here and like, I was saying goodbye to my first love and like welcoming my, my new love. And that is kind of what gets me through when I have the dark days and really, really miss him.
I joke with my daughter who’s one, so she doesn’t know I’m joking with her, but she’ll hear this her entire life. And I say to her, she’s, she’s the most special little girl on earth because she’s the only girl on earth that got the doer sprinkle. When she entered this world, my dog doer sprinkled her with his magic and now she is the only little girl with doer magic.
And so I, I hold onto that quite dearly. So the, as one can imagine, the first night with my baby at home was not this magical night that we all wanted it to be. Yeah. That I wish, really wish that we had gotten.
Jamie: Wow. How emotional?
Allison: Yeah.
Jamie: Wow. Yeah. Yeah, here’s a new baby, and I’m sorry, you have to say goodbye to your dog. Ugh. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. That’s heartbreaking.
Allison: Yeah. And so we spent the first, the first few days was rough, but I mean, , I mean, it, it is true what they say. Like, you don’t find love. Like, my, my daughter is magic and she’s beautiful.
And like, the one thing I can say in the aftermath of all of this is like, I didn’t make the wrong decision. Right? Like, really. And that is not to say like, ever wanna say that to, to new moms because plenty of moms out there don’t have that magical moment. And that’s perfectly okay. If you were not bonding with your kid right away, that does not mean that you were a bad mommy and that, but for me, the gift that I got was that I did bond with her quite quickly.
However, unfortunately a few days later, I woke up in a pool of blood and got rushed to the hospital. I use this term like not lightly. I got to the hospital, I was like, I’m vaginally bleeding, there’s blood everywhere. My, my, there’s an unreasonable amount of blood. And the hospital was like, it’s normal. Go home. And I was like, I don’t think this is normal at all. And I came home the next day it happened again. I called my midwives. My midwives were like, ditch that hospital, go to the hospital they gave birth into. And I got to the hospital and. It turned out that I had a nick in my uterus, so my uterus didn’t rupture, but it had, it had been cut.
They think it was, it had nothing to do with me leaving early. It had nothing to do with the C-section itself. It’s just that they believe, they won’t never know that there was a piece of my placenta that actually ruptured my uterus somehow. Like there was a sharp piece that like fell off and created a little nick.
And so I was just bleeding and I had to have emergency surgery.
Jamie: Oh my gosh.
Allison: Gosh. So I had, I had emergency surgery about six or seven days after I gave birth. The beautiful, beautiful part of that story is that the hospital I was in was absolutely phenomenal. And what they did for me is they readmitted me into mother baby. And so I could have my baby come visit.
Jamie: Oh, how nice.
Allison: And I could actually, yeah, have her come stay with me. And the nice part about that, if there’s a nice part to be had is that when I exited the hospital the second time. I didn’t get to kind of get to do it again where it was like, okay, we’re gonna have the coffee and we’re gonna take the picture.
And of course I was still sad it was only a week later, but it wasn’t this like crisis that I had been facing the week before. I had had a little bit of like, it was able, it did gimme a, a way to kind of redo it. I got a mul again.
Jamie: Yeah. I’m sure you were like in survival mode the first time. And this time you’re more relaxed, A little more slower.
Yeah. Oh, wow. That’s so special that you, you got that second chance.
Allison: Yeah. Yeah.
Jamie: That’s awesome. So tell us about your recovery after that.
Allison: Yeah. My recovery was slow. And I, I think, I think that the expectation, you know, everyone has a different story, but like. You know, I had heard from my nurses e even my nurses, even my medical team, like you kind of bounce back.
And so again, I was like really shaming myself that I was like, but I, and it’s actually really hard for me to walk and it is really hard for me to, like, I’m not going back to the gym even six weeks later. And so I had a pretty slow recovery. And I wish if I get the chance, I have one more embryo left and we are going to transfer it.
And if I get the chance to do this again, I will give myself a lot more grace in just like being slow and like allowing the recovery to be slow. But I really try to push myself too quickly. And it, so I think I made my recovery a lot longer, so it did take me a lot, a long time to get my mobility back.
I, when I had gotten pregnant. A week after I got pregnant, I got into a horrible car accident. Someone rear was on their phone and smashed at me into a wall totaled my car and I didn’t know, at the time I thought all the pain I was having was because of the pregnancy. We think now it was actually due to the accident, not the pregnancy, but, so in addition to sort of like c-section recovery, I was also recovering from this back injury that had been worsened by the fact that I was pregnant.
So that I’m sure contributed to sort of the slower recovery. Mm-hmm. So even today, it’s a year later my mobility is still not what it once was. I was supposed to climb Machu Picchu this year. I’m absolutely not doing that. No way. Supposed to be doing a marathon. I’m not doing that. So I’m, but the thing that I am doing is just allowing myself like, patience with this. The whole idea that we like bounce back is just sort of like a myth. Like totally. Some women get their mobility back and like, that’s awesome, but for the ones of us that don’t, it’s like, it’s okay. And I’m just trying to remind myself that’s, I’m just trying to remind myself that every day I’m in physical therapy.
Someone finally recommended a pelvic floor specialist to me, and I wish I had found her moons before. It took me about six months postpartum to find her. She is a miracle. Like I just, I think her, she actually just texted me. She must me know I’m talking about it right before I came on the hair. But that has significantly helped with my pain, with my mobility, with my activity level. So I’m very, very, very thankful. That’s been a godsend.
Jamie: That’s awesome. Ugh. I, I need one too. And my midwives, they say they recommend a pelvic floor to everyone. Yeah. And I’m just like, ugh. Yeah. It’s, it’s work. But I know it’s worth it. ,
Allison: It was for me. Highly recommend.
Jamie: Yeah. So how did breastfeeding go?
Allison: Breastfeeding was okay. So where I did not have problems with the baby latching. Mm-hmm. She, she got the memo, knew what to do, but I did not produce that much milk. Okay. So I tried everything. Like again, if there’s a thing to try, I tried it. The stuff, like all of it it just, it just wasn’t in my cards.
So I did breastfeed up until I stopped in June. So what is that, the nine months? I made it nine months. But I had to supplement, so. Mm-hmm. I would typically get maybe eight ounces a day. So more than some people get who are struggling with milk production, but not, not enough to actually feed her.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: You know, and at some point like the power pumping and like all the things that I was doing just started to really affect my mental health. Mm-hmm. Like just setting an alarm, not being able to sleep, trying to get this milk out. When I finally, I decided to see a, like early motherhood therapist and she was like, what happens if you just allowed yourself permission to just not do all this stuff. And I was like, yeah, that actually, that feels like a breath of fresh air. Like, I don’t wanna keep getting up to pump. I don’t wanna keep being attached to this thing. It’s actually exhausting me and making me resentful of it. Like, I’m not, even now I’m like, it feels like a task instead of bonding.
It’s something that she said that helped me was just like, listen, there’s a lot of parts of motherhood you can’t outsource like this one. You can, if you choose to do that, and that’s what feels right for you, right? Like, this is your choice and you do get to decide it. Mm-hmm. And so I was like, all right, I’m done.
So I had to work, I had to go away for work for a week, which was the first time I was leaving the baby. And I was like, I’m not bringing this freaking breast bump with me. Like, I’m not pumping and dumping for a week while I’m not here. So it kind of, allowed me to have like some closure to it. So I made it to nine months.
And it’s funny, I saved a bit of breast milk ’cause I wanna make like one of those little necklaces. Mm-hmm. My freeze, my freezer just broke and my husband like pulled it out and he was like, what is this? And he like, chucked it aside. And I was like, no, that’s my breast milk. And he was like, it’s your what?
Why are you saving this? And I was like, that’s, I worked so hard for that. Like, so it’s like a tiny little ounce of breast milk that I’m gonna turn into jewelry one day. But yeah. Yeah.
Jamie: We had the guest on the show for this week. She made a ring with hers and she’s waiting to get it.
Allison: Love it. Love it. Yeah. I have like a little moon.
It’s very me. It’s like a little moon necklace. So yeah, I have to do it and send it in.
Jamie: That’s cool. Yeah. And sometimes when you’re just in those moments, you just need someone to say, you can stop if you want to.
Allison: Yeah.
Jamie: And I wanted to just smash that pump. I’m like, so ready? I hated that thing.
Allison: Hate that thing.
Jamie: Yeah.
Allison: And I had one like every room, so I like became sort of obsessed with a collecting pumps. Right. So it’s like I would spend like too many hours of the week like on Facebook marketplace where I would like get the pump and then I would buy all the new pump pieces. But you get like the machine part,
Jamie: right?
Allison: And so I like, I had the spectra. I had the motif I have of this guy and like in every room of my freaking house I had a pump somewhere and it was just like, I can’t, I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.
Jamie: Well, mentally it seems like it was challenging. Did it ever get better after nine months? Yes. Did it get better?
Allison: Yeah, I mean, and honestly, all of it, like the breast part after nine months, besides the breast feeding, I have to say, you know, everyone has a different relationship with motherhood and their kids are all gonna be different.
My, my kid is feral. That’s how I joke. Like, she’s the most curious. Like she, we were just, we just were with another baby. And the baby was like, cool, calm, collected, sitting in her mama’s lap and like my, you know, my kids hanging from the chandelier, like she’s just everywhere all the time. Which is, probably a bit of nature and a bit of nurture.
But the one thing I will say is, I actually really do like being a mama, you know, and all of the worry that I had about like, not being enough, you know, now that she’s here. What does she need from me? She just, she just needs me to be me. Like what? She is not judging me on my past thoughts.
She’s not judging me on how she got there or the decisions we made. She’s not just judging me on whether I gave her formula or breast milk. It’s like all she wants is someone who loves her, like that’s it, and takes care of her. And, that part’s been really cool. Like, I don’t, I don’t have to do all of the things that I thought I had to do and something that’s been so crazy.
I keep joking with my husband, but I’m like, it doesn’t feel like she’s mine. And he’s like, what? What does that even mean? And I’m like, I don’t know. And so I’ve had to like do a deep dive on like, what does that mean for me? And I think like. I have been so involved. I have two step kids that I’m extremely involved with.
I have a goddaughter who I’m extremely involved with. I’ve had pets that I’m extremely involved with. But at the end of the day, like this is the first time that someone’s looking to me first. It’s like my step kids look to their moms first, right? Like of course I’m important to them and I don’t doubt my relationship with them, but like, I’m not their number one, right?
I’m not my goddaughter’s number one. And it’s like, I look at my kid and it’s almost surpri. I keep getting surprised. Like we were at music class today and she just started daycare, so she’s now sort of understanding. Sometimes when we put her down, we leave, so we’re a music class and I put her down and she was like I know this trick.
You’re gonna leave me. And so she started cry and I almost like looked around. I’m like, who’s she crying? Oh, she’s crying for me. She wants me. I’m the mamba here. And it, that’s been like crazy and wild and surprising and complicated, but it’s also been really beautiful and fun and surprising in a good way.
Jamie: Mm-hmm. I love that.
Allison: Yeah.
Jamie: Well, is there, is there anything else you wanna mention about your pregnancy or birth?
Allison: Oh my God, I feel like I just gave you my entire TED Talk. I just opened my journal and purged.
Jamie: I’d love it. The honesty is just so beautiful. It really is.
Allison: Thank you.
Jamie: Well, you said you had more plans to have.
This embryo. Do you like know a timeline? Have you decided on that?
Allison: We have. We have. So we were gonna do it now. We were gonna do it when she turned one and I was like, yo, I need a beat. Like, I, I am not ready to like, do all that over again, any of it. So I I, I do coaching for women and a bucket list item has been for a long time to go to Bali.
So I’m taking a group of women to Bali. In April, I just announced it. And so I’m putting the embryo post Bali, right? Like, I’m gonna go to Bali, I’m gonna like practice gratitude and like Bali’s my favorite place on earth. I’m convinced in my next life I’m gonna come back with my dog and we’re just gonna like, run around in Bali.
So I’m gonna, I’m gonna go back. I, I’ve been there before. I’m gonna go, I’m gonna get centered. It gives me time to do acupuncture, which I did do the first time. My fertility clinic doesn’t think that that has any weight. The times I got, the time I got my embryos, I was doing acupuncture. Maybe it’s correlation, maybe it’s not.
I don’t know. I’m doing it again. So this will give me some time to do that. Mm-hmm. So yeah, we’re thinking May, May, 2026. And it’s funny, I keep thinking about like, what happens if it doesn’t work here? I was so ambivalent, right? And being like, I don’t know. And now I’m like, oh my God, if it doesn’t work, I’m gonna be devastated.
And my husband’s like, what are we gonna do? And I was like, I don’t even wanna put that into the universe. Like, statistically it’s like 66%. So one didn’t work and one did like statist. If we’re going stats, like it should work. I know it doesn’t work that way. That’s not how stats always work. But I’m like, I don’t know, it’s crazy.
I, we might be, you might be finding me back at that fertility clinic or, and thinking about those donor embryos, you know?
Jamie: Oh, cool.
Allison: Yeah. And then we wouldn’t, if that is the, the, the path that we have to take, we actually wouldn’t, we could, with the, the gender wouldn’t matter because it is in our family line, you know?
Right, right. Yeah.
Jamie: Yeah. That’s exciting. You’ll have to keep us updated.
Allison: Absolutely.
Jamie: And what has been your biggest challenge being pregnant over 40?
Allison: Honestly, judgment from other people, like less so about, I get a lot of like, how, and my husband’s 60, right? So they’re like, how are you gonna do it?
And I, I keep saying like, you know, age is relative. I understand that as we get older. There’s medical considerations. But I look at my husband and he’s 62 and he’s running a marathon in like a month. Like he is financially stable and healthy and like a very active dad. And I think particularly, and no one really judges him.
Like he, when he goes in and he is like, Hey, I’m 62. People are like, cool. But meanwhile I’m like, I’m 44. And they’re like, oh, wow. And I’m like, man, women can do tough things, you know? Mm-hmm. Like, sure can. Like I’m actually happy to be an older mom. I really am. I, I godspeed to the women who did it in their twenties and thirties.
I was a hot mess in my twenties and I definitely did not have anything figured out in my thirties. So, at least now in my forties, I’m like calmer. I’m not wild party girl. I got a good job. Like, I got my stuff together now, so like I’m equipped to hit to being a mom. I don’t, I don’t know that I could have said that 10 years ago.
Jamie: I love that. I Me too. I totally agree.
And is there anything you’d recommend that would help prepare someone for pregnancy and birth over 40?
Allison: Support, support, support as best you can. I like, for me, especially when we’re talking about the birth stuff, I don’t think I appreciated what they, how much support I needed in the aftercare, like. Like one of my best friends was like running and getting me pads and like ordering us dinner and like I remember one of my really good friends saying like, I’m gonna send you dinner, what do you want?
And I was like, I can’t even make a decision. I have no idea. Like the idea of figuring out if I want Chinese food or pizza is so overwhelming. And so she just showed up with soup and I was like, oh my God, this is the greatest thing ever. I need someone else to be like my brain. So I wish I could go back in time, like being more prepared for the immediate afterbirth.
Like even just like the primal needs. Like silly. But I couldn’t get in the car because my C-section scar hurt. So I got like just ordering one of those seat belts. Pillows was like game changer for me. I got surgery pillows, like the ones that are like bolsters under your, bolsters under your legs.
Mm-hmm. Like I really needed to elevate and like just to watch tv it was hard for me to sit up. And so it’s like, for me actually logistically I needed a lot of that help.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Allison: And I don’t, didn’t, didn’t have access to that kind of resources or even know that they existed. Right. Yeah. And emotionally, I would say give yourself a freaking break.
Like you’re doing the best you can mama. Like, in whatever journey you’re at, whether you’re trying to conceive, whether you were pregnant, whether you were a mama, it’s just like this, this is hard. Life is hard. It’s so unpredictable, it’s so taxing. And like, when we just get in our own heads and beat ourselves up, it’s just, ooh, it makes it harder.
So just like give yourself a break.
Jamie: That’s great. And what advice would you give yourself when you were pregnant? If you could go back?
Allison: Oh, same, but even, even like one step kinder, like. There is nothing that is making you not able to be a good mom. Like I want you previous self to just know that there’s no prerequisite for allowing yourself to want a kid.
Like you don’t have to be so in your brain about all of the reasons that you’re not. You don’t have the seat at the table. If you are willing to bring life into this world and you promise to love her and cherish her and do the best you can, that’s good enough and like that, just be good enough.
Jamie: That’s beautiful. And where can our listeners connect with you?
Allison: I’m on the gram as we all are these days. My handle is a note from your therapist. That’s my professional, but it’s also my personal. And you can find out more about me on my website, which is a note from your therapist.com.
And I have a lot of resources for women that are, are free and totally accessible.
Jamie: Awesome. Allison, thank you for your story, your honesty. I know I can relate with it so much. Thank you so much for coming on.
Allison: Thank you so much for having this space.