I thought my story was over. I had my baby using donor eggs a year ago, and we didn’t have any embryos left. Did I really need birth control? I’m 44 years old, with one fallopian tube, 4 losses, and it took us three years to have our baby. That is, until I realized I was getting pregnant, pretty much every year since 2021.
It all started the day before the July 4th holiday when I was shopping with my friend. I told her I was late on my cycle. No big deal because it had been late before, and I was still pumping. Then my husband grilled delicious ribs that weekend that smelled rotten. That’s odd. Then I was completely exhausted all the time, but I had still been pumping at 3am. None of this was a red flag at the time. Of course now, looking back, it’s obvious. When I was seven days late, I finally decided to tell my husband to get a pregnancy test, so we’ll know for sure. And of course it was positive. I sat on the toilet looking at it, thinking it was negative. There were so many lines, though. I better get a closer look to know for sure. OMG. I walked in the kitchen with the test to show my husband. I couldn’t stop smiling and my husband just said ‘NO’ a few times. We couldn’t believe it.
With an ectopic pregnancy as my second pregnancy (and second loss), I wanted to make sure it wasn’t in my only fallopian tube. I scheduled a midwife appointment out a few weeks assuming I might loose it before the appointment, but not too late it could be too big for my fallopian tube. I spent almost a month knowing I was pregnant. I ended up telling my little sister and started off the conversation by saying, “I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to be neutral and non-emotional: I’m pregnant.” We even had my baby’s first birthday party during this time.
Then we went to the midwives for the sonogram at the end of July, fully expecting to see nothing. I’ve never seen a heartbeat with an embryo made with my eggs, so this wouldn’t be any different. Midwife Kat started looking and found a beating heart. It was such a beautiful moment. I cried. Then she said, “I think there’s two.” WHAT! She must be wrong. She left the room to get the sonographer who also saw two beating hearts. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never seen a heart beat and now there were two. Saying my husband was in shock while holding a screaming toddler was an understatement. The midwife willed me so hard to be happy, but I couldn’t. She was so positive like I was going to give birth to them. This was my sixth pregnancy. I have a zero percent success rate with my eggs. Let me get to the second trimester, and we can do all of the celebrating. I couldn’t voice this, though. It feels like it’s not allowed because ‘I don’t have hope’ and ‘it’s rude’. We left feeling like celebrities, though. Another midwife came over to me and gave me a hug to congratulate us. The girl at the front desk was also so happy for us. I even received a DM from another favorite midwife who was excited. Now- what I didn’t mention and yet the midwife casually mentioned was they were measuring a week smaller (6 weeks 3 days) than my last period calculations (7 weeks 3 days) and my progesterone was over half of what it should have been. Was this the canary in the coalmine?
| TEST | MY RESULTS | DESIRED RANGE |
|---|---|---|
| Progesterone | 4.62 | 1st trimester 11.0-44.3 |
Two babies. Twins. I told my sisters, mom, and two friends who were also in complete shock. And that’s how I spend the next few days. In shock. I had so many questions. How do we handle two newborns and a toddler? How will I feed them? How do we afford them? Can I even keep them? This is amazing and I can’t wait to tell everyone on the podcast. What an amazing story.
The midwife appointment was on a Monday and Friday, just when some of the shock was wearing off and the excitement level was growing, the dry blood started. Ok, so this was happening just like my baby’s pregnancy: dry blood and on progesterone. This must be a good sign, but my brain also told me I was going to lose them. I was worried but my spirits were up. Then the dry blood turned red but it was ‘watered’ down. I called the on-call midwife. If this was a miscarriage, there’s nothing they could do. If I experienced excessive pain or bleeding to go to the ER. Standard stuff that I’ve heard time and time again. Sunday, it turned dark red but it was never much. Like do I have hope because there isn’t much? My brain only knows loss, so that’s what I thought. There were cramps sometimes. Monday morning I woke up to a storm and didn’t feel pregnant anymore. You just know, but that’s just me ‘giving up hope’. Five minutes after the midwives’ office opened, I called to make an appointment. It was scheduled for 1pm, but now I must compose myself through a dentist cleaning before going.
I met my husband at the midwives because of our baby’s nap. While we waited, we sat next to a redheaded little girl that talked our ears off. It was a much needed distraction. We were led into the same room as last week. This must be good luck. Midwife Lindsay came in to take a look. She was also just as positive. She didn’t think this was a miscarriage at all, and told me about three other options it could be. None of which I could tell you what they were. She gave me hope. I didn’t have much left at that point. I need to be more positive everyone told me. But really, let’s get to the sonogram already, so I can see the heartbeats. So we did. She said, “The pregnancy is still good,” very happily. What? But where were the heartbeats? I couldn’t see them. She left the room to get the sonographer. I looked at my husband with the tiniest bit of hope when they both came into the room. “No cardiac activity.” I’ll never forget that. I’m not sure what happened after that, but talking about how fertile I’ll be after I stop bleeding wasn’t something I wanted to think about. We left through the back door.
This is my fourth miscarriage and sixth pregnancy. How many more times can I do this? I’m not sure I can handle it again. Saying mean things to myself, like I was a fool for believing this was possible, blaming my body and ‘I’m broken,’ are the first things that come to mind. Later that day, my sister told me I need to talk to myself like a friend. What would I tell her? Well, that sounds like something I would say…
So- to my best friend (my best-self), this is what I have to tell you, Jamie:
I’m so sorry you lost another. I’m sorry the twins didn’t work. I know how much you wanted them and how hard it is to not know what happened. You want to give your son a sibling and grow your family, but it wasn’t the right time. This is exactly how it’s supposed to happen. I know it’s hard to believe because it hurts so bad right now. You should rest and give yourself some time to grieve. Rest as much as you can with a toddler. Don’t forget you are a bad ass no matter how many babies you have. I love you and will always have your back. -Love, Jamie
UPDATE: While miscarrying, I was able to send a sample off for testing. This was the first time I’ve been able to test and figure out what might have happen with my losses. Before talking to the midwife, she said she needed to speak with the testing lab to understand the genetic coding. I immediately thought something was wrong genetically. When she called the next day, I was talking to my sister, I got flustered and hung up on both of them. I didn’t get to speak to the midwife for a few days. When we finally connected, she started the conversation by telling me they were identical twin boys. It felt like a knife in my heart and the tears started to flow. I couldn’t hold them back. There was something more painful about knowing the sex. She went on to tell me that they were Triploidy. Google says, “it’s a condition that affects 1% to 3% of pregnancies. It’s when a developing baby has an extra set of chromosomes, the thread-like structures that carry DNA. A triploidy pregnancy usually leads to early miscarriage.” She ensured me it wasn’t because of my age, but happens when two sperm fertilize the egg. They were XXY with three sets of chromosomes.
It’s hard to say if knowing what happened gave me closure. In some ways it’s relief knowing my body wasn’t to blame. In other ways, I’m in awe and amazement. How did they not only have three sets of chromosomes, but then went on and divided into two embryos? There’s also a sense of wonder, on a more scientific level. We also since received the bill for the testing: about $1,000. Can you put a dollar amount on peace of mind? Maybe…? I don’t think we would have had testing done if we knew the cost. Someone else told me she didn’t have testing done because of the expense and regrets it.
Author’s Note: the title image of this post looks like AI, and that’s because the left and right sides are AI. The middle portion of me and the midwife is real. The title image is SO short and long, it’s hard to get an image that fits. This photo was the day we saw the two heartbeats. That’s the moment I want to remember.